Many years ago, long before I knew about Adamus and the Crimson Circle, I saw my dragon arrive. It actually sent a visceral wave of fear through me, which is interesting, because I had no real concept of the dragon back then.
It was in my dream-state that this magnificent, scaled beast first made its presence known. In the dream I was hovering in front of it, watching in complete fascination as it quietly swam its way into a harbour. I tentatively reached out my toe and pressed on its nose to see if it was real – and recoiled in horror as its large weighty snout dipped deeper into the water. My mind said something like “Holy crap.... it’s real!” The scene then panned back, and I became aware of several wharves and warehouses in what must have once been a bustling industrial port. I noticed that behind the warehouses, there was a small cave at the base of a steep clay cliff. Inside the cave, curled up fast asleep, lay a second dragon. This dragon was much smaller than the first and I awoke from the dream feeling slightly uneasy.
Fast forward to the July 3 Shoud and I’m listening to Adamus talk about Shaumbra entering a new phase, that of self-love. He’s saying Earth is the planet of love, the place where souled beings first experienced love and that prior to this, love was not known in all of creation. He also said that those initial experiences of love were sometimes traumatic, and something resonates inside.
Adamus goes on to say that as we allow self-love, there are dark corners and rough memories that will surface, and with a deep sigh, I acknowledge there is more integrating for me to allow. And then my dragon dream pops up. I’ve never forgotten it, and I start to wonder about the two dragons, wondering if they were signifying something like a pre-Realisation dragon and a post-Realisation dragon. Then I start questioning myself, because I’ve never heard anyone else talk about two dragons, and asking, “Why me? Did I have too much stuck energy for one dragon?”
I can’t begin to tell you how much stuck energy I’ve shifted. My head is in my hands just thinking about it. Back when I first connected with CC, I already had somewhat of an understanding of Realisation. But I possibly expected it to happen lightning bolt fashion, because for most of my life I definitely knew there was a very big and very dark elephant in the room and the lightning bolt option would have been a truly excellent solution for avoiding it – except for the fact that in another room there was another elephant called resistance to my energy. Tobias might have called this a recipe for a collision of energies.
Of course, I wish I could tell you that I had relaxed into my Realisation in a very masterly way, but the complete opposite is true. I’m sorry to say that I resisted it all the way, and it’s felt more like some death-defying feat than anything else. Many, many times I’ve agonised about why I chose to do my Realisation this way.
There was severe childhood trauma and abuse that left me in a fragile and complex psychological state. In my everyday reality, I felt overwhelmed by distressing thoughts and fears that pumped adrenaline through my body. I felt utterly vulnerable and lived in a hyper-vigilant state in constant fear of somehow being destroyed. But it wasn’t just outside threats that I was afraid of; there were attacks from what I now know to be my dark aspects, which could leave me disassociated.
I had run from my family situation as soon as I could, but I ultimately ended up running into – or colliding with – myself. I knew I needed help and found a medical intuitive healer who informed me that I was an old soul who was traumatised, not crazy. She talked to me about things that I knew deep inside but couldn’t put into words. She also suggested that if difficult situations happened in my life, I was not to worry because they would be appropriate. She explained that there are things that block one from becoming who they truly are, and that everything would unfold at the divine right time in the divine right order. She also warned me not to stay attached to that energy block. “Absolutely not!” I said. She handed me the card of a therapist.
This vital support of the therapist helped me process the childhood events and I began to understand that there was more to me than those experiences. I developed a better understanding of my spiritual nature and began working with my energy, and while I recognised this part of myself, I possibly didn’t understand it’s relevance. Despite the therapist’s best efforts, I had an unspoken belief that I was a very bad person and that everything was my fault. It was a belief I couldn’t let go. Ultimately, I used the information to tie myself into a straitjacket of wrongs and rights, and my life became more rigid as I tried to use it to avoid conflict or any situation that I thought would potentially harm me. I also started fearing negative energies.
At the same time, my Master self was presenting me with life opportunities that I simply deflected without meaning to. This was, in part, because I was afraid these opportunities would have thrown petrol on the darkness within, but also because no matter the situation I found myself in, it always felt wrong, I was never quite sure if that feeling was some kind of warning sign, and I’d shut it down and turn away.
Sometimes the opportunities were small, like a beautiful ring I saw at a jeweler’s shop. There was a communication from the Master about the stone, which finger I should wear it on and why, but I was shocked to see it cost a whole week’s wage – “I can’t!” I mean, maybe this was the work of a grandiose dark aspect?! And what if the other dark aspects savaged me over spending that much? Sometimes it was many years and only in hindsight that I recognised they had been golden opportunities.
I often reflect on these missed opportunities. I wonder how my Realisation would have unfolded differently had I courageously stepped into them. I say courageous, because I believe one of the opportunities back then would have resulted in a shattering event. A life situation which would have pushed me over the edge, a real collision of energies to release the traumatised and suffering aspects who were stuck in their terror of annihilation, to ultimately open up new potentials for me. There’s no doubt I wouldn’t have liked it and that it would have been my worst fears realised. But like some kind of homeopathic remedy, I magnetised many smaller life events anyway, which have taken their toll on my physical health in particular. And I still haven’t liked it. Part of me wishes I’d done it in one fell swoop because at this stage, I don’t think that my Realisation would have been as brutal.
It seems a strange thing to fear and resist that which loves you the most, and like me, wants what’s for my highest good. I certainly have felt disappointed with myself for getting so lost and confused, and that I let fear get in the way when I really did know better. But even though I’ve found so much of my unfolding deeply uncomfortable, my human self now takes great pleasure in understanding the wisdom and beauty of it all. Like a car crash in reverse, I’ve seen my parts and pieces flying back together, integrating, becoming whole again. I now have a second chance at life in a whole new way. All those questions I ever asked myself about why I’m like this have been answered. No more struggles and battles as I simply take the good deep breath and imbibe my energy, now free to make the new and courageous choices that I always wished I’d made.
So now, as I contemplate this new phase of self-love and the way my life has transformed thus far, I optimistically wonder if now is the time for that second dragon to wake up. But then my mind re engages, sternly warning me to give it a break! The timing is always perfect.
Diana Gilbert lives in Christchurch, New Zealand, where she can mostly be found on the sofa. She lives with her beloved rag doll cat, Peanut, who reminds her every day that love is real. She can be contacted via email.