We’re currently living in unprecedented times and, to get through this, I know most people need some leadership, hope, and for everyone else to stop saying the word “unprecedented.” That’s why I’m here. I feel uniquely qualified to give advice, mostly because I’ve got a big ego.
Mercury has gone way beyond retrograde. It’s fallen into a black hole, leaving us to chaos, and I still know nothing about astrology. But one thing is apparent – we are in the middle of an apocalyptic nightmare… or maybe just another typical Monday on endless repeat. The first sign the apocalypse began was when the movie “Cats” came out. Big disaster. The second was when Waffle House closed. You know shift has hit the fan when that happens. All other signs pale in comparison, really. But there are other signs.
ORDER OF THE ARC CLOSING
Collapsing economy, pandemic, confusion, anger, turmoil, disruption, global shutdown and chaos; Shaumbra, we did it. Our work here is done. As a result, the Order of the Arc is no longer needed and so has disbanded with no possibility of the band getting back together. The Order of the Arc originally formed because the universe had slowed down its expansion, but that’s no longer the case as evidenced by my growing pant size. We came to earth to understand the relationship between consciousness and energy and we finally found it! We found that energy is here to serve us and, just like typical customer service, we speak different languages and I get ignored. A lot.
SPIRITS AND ALIENS LEAVING
The spirits that have been around and taunting us with flickering lights, moving shadows, and hiding our keys/TV remotes have also left. No longer do we need to do rituals to get rid of them. For example, most New Agers would burn sage to cleanse their homes and ward off these dark entities, because, you know, sage is the Old Spice of plants to spooks. Of course, while New Agers are burning sage, Shaumbra is burning pot.
Aliens/extraterrestrials also left. No longer can they probe our backsides looking for the place where love is kept or make crop art with our farms. Even Adamus is not a fan of them or the probing questions about them. The reason why is obvious: Adamus hates any discussion about “intelligent life” that isn’t about him. I’ve actually got no problems with aliens. They brought us advanced tools like the spoon, shoestrings and the stick, which is why the History Channel went from showing history to showcasing aliens and their technological souvenirs.
Aliens made frequent desert visits and Adamus is not a fan, especially of Sedona. Sedona has all the crucial ingredients to make it the perfect portal for spirit: tourists and UFOs. Where else can you find a vortex every 100 feet filled with energy that makes you empty your wallet on crystals and UFO trinkets? Adamus was kicked out of Sedona by New Agers for calling out their makyo, which makes sense because Adamus is to New Age what Rosanne Barr is to politeness.
With these beings gone, you may feel an absence or even somewhat lonely, but remember, Adamus teaches that you’re never alone. There’s someone who’s always ready to listen, her name is Alexa.
The economy is broken, and we’ve seen a lot of ups and downs this year. The stock market fell, then got back up, then crashed again, then got back up – it’s kind of like me after a few vodka tonics. With all the volatility, it’s pointless to invest in stocks. You’d have a better chance of watching your money grow at a slow rate of return by betting on turtle races.
The U.S. has hit Great Depression levels. The economy is so depressed even it needs a therapist. The government is trying to help out folks, though, with a stimulus package that includes a tiny violin and a box of Kleenex.
People in the U.S. were so upset the world didn’t end in 2012, they elected an orange clown in hopes he wouldn’t disappoint. Trump is creating extreme division in the U.S., which is the most math he’s done in his entire lifetime. Christians believe he’s the antichrist because somewhere in the book of revelation it’s written that Satan is orange and has an extremely bad combover. His followers – also Christians – wear the mark of the beast on their heads, the MAGA hat, which replaced the infamous beanie-with-propeller hat. They’ve moved past drinking the Kool-Aid to drinking bleach. But all this is normal. I’m sure we all have that one bratty, mentally-deranged, illiterate antichrist in office with access to nuclear codes. We’ll be fine...
Global warming has caused many earth changes, from melting polar ice caps to wildfires and hurricanes. This is caused by all the chemicals humans have put into the atmosphere, particularly all the hair spray that was used back in the 1980s. To stop global warming, we should look at other planets that are more successful to model ourselves after. I mean look at Pluto – they’re doing something right.
Gaia didn’t simply stop with weather and natural disasters. Her other contribution to this apocalypse includes a plague of murder hornets that have also emerged in the U.S. They are known to decimate beehives by decapitating and slaughtering adult bees and eating the honeybee larvae and pupae. Incidentally, the murder hornet became the official mascot representing the Republican party. Other insects were also considered: cockroach, dung beetle, and maggot.
The impact of pandemic stress is causing humans to age much faster. We used to age at a rate of about one year per year. Now, most teenagers have hit middle-age and I, in my 40’s, feel the need to apply for Medicare. I’ve hit my wonder years, people – I wonder if I’ll get the virus, but also wonder where my keys are, where I left my phone, my glasses, and what day it is. The rapid aging raises some concern due to higher risk for serious covid complications among older people. For now, I avoid all the worry and continue to take vitamins with my whiskey. Health is obviously of the utmost importance to me.
The virus mutates, causing symptoms to change. Now, you can get ‘covid-toes’ where it attacks your feet, which, let’s face it, are already gross. Covid just makes them grosser. It produces purple/red lesions on toes making hopscotch, kicking cans, and fire walking nearly impossible to do. At this point, there is only one thing to do – call the doctor. Doctor Scholls.
TOILET PAPER APOCALYPSE
When this pandemic began, there was panic and Linda Hoppe’s worst nightmares came true – the world experienced a massive toilet paper (TP) shortage. The sale of bidets began to spike, along with the number of people who had no idea how to use them. This happened once before in ancient Egypt. In efforts to suppress consciousness, Pharoh IloveTootin’ invented the first forms of work and slavery in corporate high rise pyramids. Due to the lack of lunchroom microwaves and smoke breaks, a revolt broke out among slaves and bosses, resulting in many deaths. They ran out of toilet paper to wrap the dead bodies in and the TP shortage led to the ultimate collapse of the Egyptian empire. Similarly, we’re experiencing a shortage and collapse, but all is not lost. Before Egypt was completely destroyed, they did manage to invent the Wingding alphabet, showing that positive things can emerge from chaos.
Physical appearance has gone by the wayside during this shelter-in-place mandate. While fatigue and laziness are contributors, there is simply no reason to put makeup on, get dressed, or make any effort whatsoever, because there’s no one to impress except oneself (and I have pretty low standards). I’m sure most of us have taken on that homeless/hobo fashion look. That’s okay. We should follow what the homeless do. If anybody can survive an apocalypse, the homeless can – they know how to live off a cracker and a bottle of Jim Beam for at least a year. They’ve also been surviving an economic collapse since they became homeless. They are the ultimate apocalyptic urban warriors and also professionals at benching.
It’s common to change your bathing routine. The only reason to take a shower is to stop eating for at least 15 minutes. Due to not showering, some of us have greasy hair and drawers that smell like a battlefield. When it comes to greasy hair, cutting it usually ends up in disaster, so your hairdo becomes hairdon’t. Shaving armpits as a woman is also optional – which is why my armpit hair is growing a beard and sideburns.
To ensure continued nutrition, make sure you’re eating from the five main food groups: chocolate, pizza, chocolate pizza, pasta, bacon, and vodka. A side benefit is that it doesn’t matter who the president is when you have bacon in your mouth. Another benefit is that I’ve packed on weight to the point I’m social distancing from my refrigerator. The longer this pandemic lasts the harder it’ll be to flatten my curve. Despite all the eating, I’ve managed to maintain some sort of human-like shape by exercising.
My typical exercise routine includes:
• 5 burpees, 5 belches, 3 farts
If feeling energetic, I add:
• 4 eyeball stretches
• 7 butt clenches
Sometimes it’s hard to maintain a ‘routine’ when you’ve lost your sense of time. When your environment and reality look exactly the same every day, it’s hard to tell the difference between moments. Consciousness turns into a steady drift of muttered curses. After several months, you realize time is more like an endless stream of diarrhea caused by the past, future, and the arrival of pizza.
HOW TO COPE
People want things to go back to the way they were before, when they didn’t have to homeschool their kids. You know, like back in the day when kids worked in factories. It may take time for us to recover from this pandemic, but there are some things you can do to cope and survive this slow-creeping Armageddon.
I’ve found self-quarantine lends itself to two forms of human behavior:
• Do-it-yourself projects
The two can occur simultaneously or individually. A do-it-yourself project can include home repairs, art, or learning some new skill. Now is your chance to discover a hidden talent and cultivate it. When trying to find my hidden talent, I looked everywhere but couldn’t find it. Then I thought, “Maybe that IS my hidden talent – the ability to hide my hidden talent so well that even I can’t find it.” Note: I’m entering a “No Talent Contest” but I don’t know yet what I’m going to do.
With supply chain disruptions, planting gardens has become a talent/skill people are pursuing. I haven’t planted any vegetables yet, but I have planted five trees in my yard. Come Halloween there’s going to be a lot of trees full of toilet paper (just in time to TP everyone’s yard).
People are also forced to cook their own food now. It’s been a time to learn how to bake your own bread (using ingredients from your garden) and realize later it’s so much easier to get your carbs by drinking beer.
If you get bored at home, try travelling. Although we can’t physically travel, Adamus taught us about New Earth, how to get to there, and that on New Earth there exists a Walmart where people’s butt cheeks are covered.
Despite whatever anxiety you feel, it’s important to get lots of rest and be with yourself. Recently, I have been sleeping like a baby. I curl up in fetal position with my blankie and wake up crying every two hours. Sometimes I drool.
The actual rise in technology began with the advent of Post-It notes, then moved on to the Swiffer Sweeper and vending machines with stale sandwiches. Now, technology is progressing even faster and maybe can help us out of this mess. We’d definitely be in worse shape for this doomsday situation if we didn’t have technology capability and the internet.
Who’d have thought that one day we’d have complete access to information all across the world on our handheld phones? My cellphone is so advanced, I’m pretty sure it’s spying on me because I’m starting to get a lot of ads for self-cleaning pajamas. Despite some downsides, technology will enable creativity, a cleaner planet, expanded consciousness, and the capability to finally get your hair cut by your toaster.
WHAT COMES NEXT?
Some things will still exist after the apocalypse ends:
• Keith Richards
• Junk mail
• Betty White
With a little bit of wisdom, allowing, and hand soap, you too can survive.
Because most Shaumbra have released their issues over the past few years, the dragon has turned into nothing but a tiny gecko lizard trying to peddle insurance. With nothing left to release or do, it’s time to focus on Realization. The process of Realization is natural and easy. It’s like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire. And the ground is on fire. And everything is on fire because you’re riding your bike through hell.
This is a slow apocalypse, which means in between rides on that bike you finally get to read all those books on your reading list. I actually did read Adamus’ book “Act of Consciousness” and it’s a good reminder for how to handle this period of coming to Realization. There’s no effort needed, so, for the human that has an urge to do something, simply ACT like a realized master! Here are some examples of how a master would act vs. how an unconscious human would act:
As the world awakens, Shaumbra, and we become realized, we are going to be role models for others who are waking up. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. My life is R-rated due to strong language, vigilante gonzo humor, nudity, and obnoxious piratism. It’s hard to imagine using it as a standard for cute, cuddly babies once they’re born. But who knows? I’ve prepared myself for a post-realization future fan following. I’ve showered, had my unibrow waxed, and shaved my kneecaps so I should be good to go. Let the summer of Shaumbra begin!
Lily Von Beep is everyone’s favorite Shaumbra from Tennessee where Whiskey is the #1 industry followed by stomach pumps and snapping into Slim Jims. Lily is a self-proclaimed master and likes to spoon with her higher self. She is the guru of guffaws, the superintendent of sarcasm. Her hobbies include farming lifetimes and harvesting aspects for wisdom juice. Scientifically, she contains 95% of the worlds amount of smug and is 30% not crazy. In a mystery school, she was voted “Most Likely to Rig a ‘Most Likely’ Election.” She never made it into the “Who’s Who” but she did make it into the “What the F??” Lily is sovereign but also enjoys flattery, so please direct all positive comments to [email protected]