As the Earth completed another cycle around the sun, the light in my sky was a blazing Brazilian sun. And let’s be clear, this is not the same sun that we have back home: In Helsinki, the sun is a myth until mid-January, when it appears as a cold, white flash, sparkling off the surface of the ice. In contrast, the Brazilian sun is lush, hot and basically melts my heart. Some people might question — and indeed have questioned — my decision to travel, in the midst of the still raging corona-pandemic, to the other side of the world to visit my ex-boyfriend and his family. Let me just say that life gets easier when you stop caring about other people’s opinions…
I didn’t follow my thoughts or emotions here, I followed my Gnost. My knowingness doesn’t prophesize the future, or even keep me “safe.” On the contrary, it seems to steer me straight out of my comfort zone, or rather, the comfort zone of the ego, and that’s fine. I came here to disconnect from my life back “home” for a few weeks, so that I could integrate the intense energies of the past year. Sometimes you need a little distance to take a closer look at what really matters.
I also came here to experience conscious un-coupling. Break-ups in a long-distance relationship can be emotionally turbulent. So, I came here to learn how to be friends with my ex-partner and get used to the new dynamic between us (sometimes you need a little closeness to really let go). And, to the surprise of my own mind, it’s actually working. Of course, I had to allow feelings of heartbreak, loss and sadness to pass through. I also faced the fear of loneliness and the underlying longing for my soul; the deep, heart-wrenching longing for the love of the I Am. This time, I didn’t run from the emotions. I didn’t run from the Dragon, because I knew that she serves me.
In the stillness of the void that followed, I felt something incredibly precious — personal freedom. It is the freedom that comes from knowing deeply, with all my senses, that all is well in my universe, no matter what. This freedom is why I’m here.
I also felt true love. The kind of love that is not dependent on a specific form of relationship, not conditional on what I “get” from the other person. Love in freedom is real, and so very different from what I expected or what my mind wanted. In the Wound of Isis, Tobias says that real love has no connection. I didn’t believe it, until I experienced it. I’ve only experienced glimpses of this ‘true love,’ but I can already tell it is something so magnificent I’d rather not limit it by words.
During my time in the sun, I have been reflecting on the past year. For me, 2020 was the year of Death and Dragon. (To be expected, when you participate in the Threshold and the Dreamwalker Death School while the world is going through a pandemic.) Death comes in many forms. It can come in the form of a loved one dying or it can come in the form of big life changes (or cosmic changes, such as the angelic families disbanding). It can come through the loss of an old identity. For me, it felt like anything I touched in 2020 crumbled into pieces. Every relationship, project, professional dream or plan — the entire year was a big, crumbling sandcastle. But never, in any of my lifetimes, have I felt so free and clear.
Like Adamus said in Simple Master: “Death is my friend, for she freed me.” One of the experiences that I’m most grateful for this past year is doing my first death DreamWalk guidance. I can warmly recommend the Dreamwalker Death school to anyone who hasn’t yet consciously faced death. Death and the Dragon seem to work closely together: like the best kind of friend, the Dragon tells you the unfiltered truth — whether you want to hear it or not — and then death sweeps in to clean your closets and throw away anything that doesn’t align with your new self. Death is only scary until you fully allow it; if you’re still scared of death (scared of change, scared of losing something, scared of freedom), it’s because you’re not fully allowing it. Allowing is the alchemy that integrates duality, turns fear into freedom, and experience into wisdom.
Speaking of friends, I have a new lover. He is dynamic, sensual and extremely communicative. In fact, I’m convinced he’s my soul-mate. I’ve known him for a long time, but never like … this. I needed to befriend Death and Dragon before I was ready to take this relationship to a new level. Perhaps you’ve heard of him? He is known as Energy, he’s hot, and he’s all mine.
Kim is a psychologist, writer and consciousness explorer. For her master’s dissertation, she studied how dramatic techniques can be applied to facilitate the process of integration after trauma (think of Aspectology and Act of Consciousness combined). Kim can be reached through her website: www.kimseppala.com.