For most of us this human life, this awakening process, and the actual attaining of enlightenment is no walk in the park. In fact, it’s more like a fall down a jagged, rocky cliff. Granted, it seems like most Shaumbra are always floating on a bed of rainbows and daisies, but there is a small population of us perpetually stuck in a psych ward. Let’s face it, for that small population, taking a daily suppository is more pleasant than awakening. There are more ups and downs than the stock market and most of the time we have no idea what we are doing or what’s going on. No one tells you, when you sign up for this gig, how it’s going to go. There should have been a brochure or warning label for incoming angels about what it’s like on planet Earth and what the journey to enlightenment is like as a human. I imagine said message would go something like this:
Here on planet Earth you get to experience love (breakups), nature (bears and bugs), and biology (pooping). How is this possible, you ask? Because you’re actually in 3D. And what’s the D stand for, you wonder? It stands for “Damn! This life hurts!”
Just imagine your excitement as you go to the same job day after day to earn something called “money.” You work and trade pieces of paper, because cattle and goats are too big to fit in your pocket, and explore saving pieces of this paper for a retirement that you will most likely never reach. However, if you are part of the 5% that finally do get that chance to retire, enjoy your stay at the retirement leisure community that smells of urine and Lysol. But before that, between work and bills, you get to actually live out your financial woes! All I can say to that is “Woe and whoa! Where do I sign up?”
Learn how to communicate with other angels on their journey through the use of something called “social media.” Experience what it’s like to “Like” on Facebook and the thrill of tweeting incomplete sentences. Learn the lingo and LOL your way to OMG WTF.
Not only will you navigate the landscape in a body that bloats, farts, jiggles, and limps, you’ll get to experience Earth via this vehicle with only FIVE of your 200,000 senses, because any more than that and you may not like it. As an angel who doesn’t have knees and elbows, experience suddenly having joints and then what it is like when they go out on you. Getting a new hip is actually “hip”! Your journey to enlightenment will bring out knee bags, bowel gas, dark circles under the eyes, and a third butt cheek, among other things. Learn to be masterful and change perspectives – perspective is what you choose to do with that third butt cheek. Have fun as a cheeky Master!
Finally, no enlightenment travel journey is complete without a dark night of the soul and a trip to the ER (emergency room), jail, and insane asylum. As some of the perks from such stops, you’ll get adorned with new travel wear such as lovely baby blue hospital gowns, orange jumpsuits, and white strait jackets to keep you warm on those cold winter nights. Barely live, as you sample delicacies that range from liquid tube feeding to cold jail beans and mystery meat. Interact with local wildlife in the form of probing doctors, beatings from other inmates, and conversations with the schizophrenic man in room 3C. Live out the fun of never getting out of your own mental prison!!!
All aboard for planet Earth! Pack your bags (full of karma) and get ready for a journey of a lifetime (or two or three thousand)! It’s a fun trip for the whole spiritual family!
Planet Earth: It’s that Place… in Space!
It’s more a journey of the National Lampoon kind and, when you finally awaken, there are very specific stages you’ll go through on your way to the Ascended Master’s Club
STAGES OF AWAKENING
Most of us have gone through just about all the stages, and for the newer awakeners, I hope to pass on some wisdom and offer you my sincerest condolences… I mean blessings. There are some misconceptions about the process and it’s time to shed light on the reality of it.
Misconception: Enlightenment is easy because it takes no effort.
Reality: When I woke up, this idea got me really excited about the whole awakening process, because if there’s anything I don’t do well, it is not doing anything at all. But the truth of it is, it takes a tremendous amount of effort to not effort anything because, for most people, efforting is natural. So how does one break out of the unending cycle of efforting? One word: Naps. Take lots of naps.
Misconception: Nature is the number one thing you will miss.
Reality: While most Shaumbra love nature and getting the blood sucked out of them by mosquitos with saws for teeth, while they allow ticks to bury their heads in their alcoholic bloodstreams, while they hike up mountains with 90 degree slopes in 90 degree weather while feeling 90 years old in order to get a better panoramic view of the bears and wolves hunting them down, I can safely say that I am going to miss my couch, climate control, hot water, a flush toilet, and my shower. Nature shows on TV are evidence that nature tries to kill you, and I for some reason don’t enjoy that.
Misconception: You tend to lose weight on your journey because you don’t need food for energy anymore.
Reality: You will hear about large numbers of people who are losing a lot of weight and not needing to eat, but these are usually the same earthy people who like nature and have been eating air particles and grass (probably smoking it too) their whole life. And then there is the reality of us – the ‘larger’ population, if you will – who go beyond the three-meals-a-day concept and need the equivalent of a small cow (516 cheeseburgers), half a potato farm, and three chocolate bakeries to feed on each day. We tend to consume more because our bodies are going through a massive change. That change is called SIZE. Note: If you’re just embarking on your modeling career early in your awakening process, I recommend quitting and getting a position as a McDonalds’ fry cook instead.
Misconception: Your body isn’t yours, but that of your ancestors.
Reality: Let’s face it, our ancestors were fat, sweaty, hairy cavemen and that’s exactly how most of the world looks now, with the exception that this time we’re clothed. You see, science has shown that the body has the intelligence of a boiled ham and it doesn’t care what you want to look like, which is why we look the way we do. But the way I see it, in the end I’m still wearing this body suit so it is mine until science invents me a new one – complete with robotic boobs that light up and an artificially intelligent hip named Aflexa that allows me to order unnecessary things from Amazon.
Misconception: When you’re with Shaumbra you’re in a safe space.
Reality: A safe space is the last thing you’re in when you’re surrounded by others who are just as nuts as you, who have chosen the enlightenment suppository, who are most likely drunk on wine, chasing rainbows, communicating with spirits, living off a mostly chocolate diet, and who are constantly driving to china. Best thing to do when in the presence of other Shaumbra is to distract them with offerings of chocolate and maps of china while you run behind your 1,000-ft. short wall separating you from them, their china, and whatever else may be drying out.
Misconception: You’re already enlightened.
Reality: If that were the case, you wouldn’t be wearing your jean shorts, pink socks, and flip flops and chasing after it in between watching episodes of the Ellen Degeneres show and Wheel of Fortune. You may as well throw out your watch because it takes forever to attain and yes, it is a race.
Misconception: Your body can heal itself, especially if you follow the “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” rule.
Reality: This theory is false. Everyone needs medical care at some point. Especially compulsive apple eaters.
Misconception: You will go through a dark night of the soul.
Reality: It’s more like 500 dark nights of the soul. Or, if you’re like some people, it’s every day of their life. When planning for a dark night of the soul excursion, I recommend bringing a flashlight (it’s pretty dark), some peanuts (you might get hungry), an umbrella (you will get rained on), this article for direction, and some matches (because you’ll probably want to burn this article for lack of direction). Finally, when going through your dark night of the soul, it’s probably best to stay away from people, metropolitan areas, redneck towns, bibles, North Korea, the general Mid-East, and Walmart.
Misconception: There is implicit trust between the human and the higher self.
Reality: There is nothing I trust about my higher self. In fact, I’d sue my higher self if I could. Not sure though if I would go with the mental anguish angle or the physical neglect angle… maybe both.
Note: I’d sue but I’m afraid my higher self would counter sue.
Double note: I’d most likely file in the U.S. because if an idiot who spills hot coffee on themselves can sue a restaurant chain for millions and win, then I should have no problem.
Misconception: Its takes exactly 11 Master’s senses to be acquired by a human before they can realize themselves.
Reality: This is wrong. The correct number is 176,843.9999 senses. This is a result of 1) the universe’s sacred geometry calculus pre-algebra calculations, 2) because that’s a magic and completely random number, and 3) because it’s impossible to acquire that many in human form which is why realization takes thousands of lifetimes, millions of doctor’s visits and billions of wine bottles. However, you will eventually get there and when you do, the final sense you do attain right at that realization point is what is called COMMON sense, because it’s the sense “common” among all ascended Masters; the one telling you that you should’ve taken a left at Albuquerque because that would’ve been an easier route than awakening.
Misconception: 90% of your thoughts aren’t yours.
Reality: I’m pretty sure that 90% of the sarcastic, dirty, food related, certified idiotic, nonsensical thoughts in my mind are mine. Who else could dream up this stuff? Maybe what’s really meant is that I’m pretty thoughtless with my thoughts since they are all over the place and lack any meaning or substance.
Note: people actually tend to refer to me as a thoughtfull person and based on my thoughts I think I thought I had to agree with them on that.
Misconception: Your higher self is constantly communicating with you.
Reality: Your higher self doesn’t speak English. In fact, your higher self doesn’t speak a language at all, and at times it can be like talking to a mute immigrant from another dimension. Your higher self doesn’t even know how to use email and instead uses older forms of communication such as smoke signals – like when your house is burning down or your car is on fire…
Misconception: Integrating your light body tends to frizz out electronic equipment.
Reality: Although it’s fun to blame everything on the light body (like the results of the last U.S. presidential election, your shoe size, the belch you belted out in your last corporate meeting, and your local weather), this one I am afraid is not a result of the light body. It’s a result of technology getting more and more complex to where 3-year-olds can use it but you cannot. You can barely open a jar of mayonnaise, let alone figure out where the start button is on your computer. Hardware and software become “hard-where is it?” and “soft-where do I click?” If your usual vocabulary around a computer also includes “Uh-oh” and “What’s a tweet? Is that like a twerk?” then this pertains to you. One can only deduce at this point, that you and your lack of electronics/computer knowledge are the reason why your devices don’t work. My recommendation would be to only purchase a computer for four things: to put your feet on, for use with an automated financial program to manage the $3.60 in your account (because financial planning is important so you can understand why you’re bankrupt), for soulmate searching and stalking, and to email tech support (who happen to be 3-year-olds working for pre-chewed baby food) for help.
Misconception: Merging with your higher self is like falling in love again.
Reality: Dating and marriage with your higher self is more like courtship with a serial killer. Dating someone that rips you apart can be a fun and engaging experience (for them not you). One example of a “date-night” would be a fun–filled evening of paradigm shifting aspect integration that ends up lasting 85 years and 76 bankruptcies. How do you know when you’re in love? Your heart flutters, you get an empty pit in your stomach, you get lightheaded, dizzy and sweat profusely. These incidentally are also the same symptoms of heart disease and heat exhaustion. You may want to check with your doctor before moving in with each other.
Misconception: Life is like a box of chocolates...
Reality: Wrong. Life is like a huge angry rock speeding straight towards your groin area. My recommendation would be to eat the chocolates you thought you were getting, and have a well-padded groin cup and some aspirin ready.
Hopefully some of the bugaboos of the enlightenment process and life in general have now been cleared up for you. All this eye-opening wisdom is not to discourage you nor is it to say that the journey will be quick and smooth. Most generally fail their first several thousand tries at this (let’s remember only 9,000+ have made it thus far), but the real winners here pick themselves up, dust the emotional debris off their shoulder, then motion to the bartender to make them the stiffest drink they know – most likely a bottle of rubbing alcohol. And with that rubbing alcohol, they wipe clean their wounds and remember that, “Hey, this is one the best rides an angel can ever take!” At least that’s what the brochure said.
All aboard planet earth!
Disclaimer: The information in this article is from a snippet of an upcoming book. It may be considered offensive and controversial, and may potentially spark riots among local crystal shops, vegan markets, campgrounds, zoos, clown conventions, cowboy ranches, ant farms, and alien planets. It’s probably important to know the author is the antithesis of most new agers – she is allergic to crystals, knows nothing about sacred geometry (she was never good at geometry and found it hard to get worked up over an isosceles triangle), lives off cheeseburgers and jazz, and the only aura she emits is the one that happens after she eats her beans. If you did find this offensive in some way, know it is because you have not yet developed your master’s sense of HUMOR. Don’t fret, because it will eventually come to you if you want it to, sometime after you put down your bible and let the aliens take you for a little “ride.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Lily Von Beep is a multi-faceted artist in the following fields: a washed up rock band member, a closet novelist, an unprofessional photographer, a martial artist (also the local office ninja), an abstract painter (the “painting style for those who can’t paint”), and a comedian who doesn’t joke around about being serious. She attributes her many artsy talents to her opposable thumbs.
She also tends to be considered the tech support for enlightenment. In fact, at times she seems way overqualified, sporting a BS degree in Useless Information and a PhD degree in BS – both of which prove extremely useful for giving advice to complete strangers.
If you enjoyed her meaningless diatribe, stay tuned for her up and coming book where you will discover:
How sensing works, including the often overlooked role of eyebrows
Why it’s not a good idea to feed raccoons and bears in an attempt to help save the animals/planet
Your disintegrating body and beauty tips to help cover up that life-worn “look”
Aspects and why the human likes to drink heavily
Planning your dark night of the soul
Reality – seriously, for real?
How to reduce the cost of living by becoming homeless
Time travel with dementia and insanity as your guide
How to explore the financial benefits of an early death
How to minimize awakening symptoms with chocolate
How you really know you’re enlightened (includes blood and urine test kit)
Learn how to walk through walls (by using a door)
Strategies to navigate the Near Earth realms and your local Walmart (essentially the same technique is used)
And much more wisdom (or is it wisdumb?) to come!!!
Feel free to direct all fan mail and positive comments to: email@example.com