When I was five years old, one of my favourite game was to stand in front of a mirror, stare at my reflection and repeat to myself like a mantra, “Who Am I? Who Am I? Who Am I?” until the outlines of my face blurred and my thoughts disappeared. I would start to feel something beyond my form, and suddenly I was not just a little girl anymore, but part of something vast, expanding and comforting. I felt such joy and limitlessness. I Am, echoed within my whole being. I marveled at the knowingness that behind everything that existed was this same joyful awareness, somewhere deep down, no matter how hidden.
I didn’t quite have words for my experience, but I would state to my parents, “I love myself!” after these expansive moments. I wondered why there were wars and famine when there was also this joyous expansiveness that was always there for everyone to receive, underneath it all. To my little girl’s mind, it seemed that in the hustle of humanness most of us had forgotten about the real thing.
I decided I wanted to write books about self-love when I grew up. But after that resolution, Life happened. I began trying to fit in and learnt to doubt myself. Most of my life was spent trying to feel like I was enough, to figure it all out, to heal and find a way for my seemingly messy, low self-esteemed humanness to fit together with my spiritual self.
Over the years I had so many moments of despair, sadness, deep loneliness and raging battles within, that at times I felt I was going crazy and dying (and I suppose I was). I felt ashamed for having been on a “spiritual path” practically all my life – studying psychology, self-help and spirituality, devoting myself to the Crimson Circle materials – and still attracting abusive relationships, not being able to muster up the courage to “follow my bliss,” or figure out how to make my professional dreams come true. Not to mention my failure at hacking the abundance issue.
As one particularly tumultuous relationship was finally coming to an end, I realized – with my left arm half-paralyzed and my inner state wrecked – that all my life I had given the vote of how worthy I felt to other people, other beings, ”the universe,” some outside almighty creator. Somewhere in my sadness and frustration I decided that I was done with trying to understand what self-love was. I’d rather die than let anyone or anything else decide my worth ever again. I was so tired of trying to fit in, trying to somehow get the human game right.
It really hit me what Tobias and Adamus had been talking about taking responsibility for one’s own life and creations. Instead of looking outside for validation, I started moving my energies as Tobias suggested at the time. I noticed that as I focused on allowing myself the things that brought me joy in everyday life, I was filling my life with my own energies rather than with someone else’s or the energies of mass consciousness. And, funny enough, my arm eventually healed from that mysterious state of paralysis.
As I started doing the tiniest things to take care of myself, even though I felt a long way from my heart’s desires, my life started to feel more like my own. I realized how I had been using other people to treat myself badly; no one had actually been abusing me, but I had believed so deeply in my own victimness that I kept attracting victimizing experiences. In fact, I had abused others with my victimness and limited perspective of who I was.
The more I allowed myself the sweet things of life – like taking a swimming class when I wanted to learn to surf and couldn’t swim, or eating a packet of ice cream for dinner without guilt, or taking a nap at the office no matter what my co-workers thought of it – the sweeter life got. Whenever I detected resistance rising up within making me feel like I wasn’t worthy or that I’d have to earn that sweetness, I did it anyway. It was a process that took a bit of persistence, but, as I kept re-committing to myself, I noticed a shift in the way I attracted energies.
Eventually I realized self-worth was nothing to figure out, but truly an act of consciousness. By learning to nurture myself without guilt I was directing my energies from a place of innate worth, rather than trying to fix and prove my worth. This established so much safety and trust within myself that I was able to start saying no to the things that didn’t feel right and distancing myself from what didn’t feel like a fit to me. I started to express myself in much more direct ways. It was the Sexual Energies School (SES) in practice, living it in everyday life.
Over time, I realized that as long as I kept working on myself – bettering, fixing, healing and trying to understand myself (and others) – I’d keep bringing into my reality more to fix, more to study, more to figure out. I had been coming from a perspective of being flawed, believing that realization, self-love and balance were things to attain, to be worthy of, to figure out.
The more I focused on allowing myself lovely things, small and large, the more I realized there was nothing to figure out. There really was no one else to grant me my realization, my sense of ease within myself, and the things I wanted to experience. This also changed my relationship with money; it just clicked that my relationship with myself was how I created my life. It was nothing to get right in my head, but rather the way I acted with and towards myself, like taking myself to the toilet when I needed to pee. It’s that simple. And especially when I was in the midst of some shit-storm of self-doubt or a moment of life generally sucking. The point was no longer abandoning myself even in all of my humanness.
Deliberately choosing how I wanted to treat myself in the smallest ways on the human level is what helped me to allow myself. As I let myself just be and enjoy life and do the things I liked, it became easier to receive each thought, emotion, impression, inner battle, feeling, intuition, knowingness, unfolding, opening, darkness, light, and going beyond. I realized receiving myself like this, without judgement, and constantly taking sweet care of myself, was my natural, very sensual state. The more I allowed myself just be, the smoother it became to receive not just on the outside but on the inside too, and to ultimately receive my soul’s compassion.
Self-love has been the most challenging thing I have ever faced because it is so simple. If I were to crystallize it on the experiential level somehow, I’d say self-love is experiencing oneself and life much through the senses of joy and beauty. There’s nothing to figure out so it was really hard on my mind. To me, self-love is an act of consciousness on the part of the human, a conscious choice. And for the soul, well, it’s her natural state.
It’s funny to think that I used to search high and low for the love that was always there, but I also have tremendous awe of this journey. And this is where the Atlantean headband, recently mentioned by Adamus, comes into the picture.
The headband represents the conditioning into conformity, forgetting our natural state of self-love / compassion / being okay with who we are, just as we are (the AND). The way I see collective unworthiness, i.e. how the headband is operating in the world, is the pathological belief that we have to “become” something – smarter, sexier, healthier, more loving or successful – by efforting at it and “trying to get there.”
Maybe we initially created the headband in Atlantis in our innocence of “trying to get there” in some kind of an attempt to figure out our origins. But it is the headband that prevents us from remembering and realizing our natural state of love and okay-ness just as we are. To take off the headband is to act from a place of honor and love for the (human) self. This is what takes us beyond the mind, into our senses, and to remembering who we are. We truly are realized already; we are that we are, always will and always have been. The human’s experiential part of the holy trinity has been a messy one, and so what? It has also always been sacred and worthy of love. Our natural state is the one without the headband, being free of the unworthiness game that we took part in as we forgot our name, “trying to get there.”
So, what brings you joy or consolation, even a tiny bit? Focus on that, allow that. When you do, the unworthiness within your system – the guilt, shame, wounds, every limitation you took as your own on your human journey – will naturally rise up to the surface as resistance, presenting itself as distractions in your reality, whether from within or on the “outside.”
This “shit hitting the fan” is a great sign, because it means everything that kept you in limitation is on its way out of your system. It is also an invitation to go back to what brings you joy and nurtures you. The mud never hit the fan because you were flawed in any way, but because you were not! Your reality is basically always asking you: what would self-compassion be in this? To me, answering to that question is allowing that headband to come off, to get in sync with one’s natural state. Choosing self-respect time and time again (especially through action, as it’s not a mental thing) peels away the stories of limitation and eventually you’ll realize that everything in the human life is a story, and you might as well choose the ones you prefer.
Writing and speaking about self-love has been my passion since I was a little girl, but for quite a while I felt a bit contradictory in this passion because I doubted whether it was just a distraction and some sort of makyo. Even though I let go of it (and pretty much everything else) on my journey, this passion always just kept coming back. And then I realized it was a gift I was finally giving myself in this lifetime: allowing myself to dream big, live my dreams and do whatever the heck my heart is drawn to; truly allowing myself to sing the song of my soul; not having to figure everything out but simply play; experiencing my true nature in the human realm; and reclaiming my name.
As Adamus started talking about the massion, I was fully on board. The massion is not something that is expected from me, for nothing is expected from a master. Rather, it’s like a fountain of flowers sprouting from my heart into being, a joyful expression, a deep kaikho (or kaiho as we say in Finnish). It’s not about trying to make people love themselves or trying to change the world, but rather offering a perspective, illuminating a potential, purely from joy.
It puzzled me when Adamus once said art would change the world (and gave me chills when he laughingly said, “I guess it didn’t” at some past ProGnost), but I get it now. Whatever gets us out of our minds will change the world. Whatever brings us joy, stirs giddiness, makes our heart and body sigh in sweet relief or bask in the sensuality of life, that changes the world. And it’s not that the world needs changing, but I’m so excited because my own world has turned from blue to the symphony of sounds and colours and bloom and glory. In essence, it was by taking myself to the toilet when I needed to (as banal it may sound), eating as much chocolate as I wanted to, and doing whatever the heck I wanted to do, and these choices gently (and sometimes roughly) shook me from my dream of limitation. My world changed by participating fully in human life the way I wanted to, at last, and not thinking too much about it anymore. In essence, I tried something New.
Anna loves flowers, nature, traveling and all things sensual. Her heart beats for writing and all kinds of creative expression. She runs her own company guiding people towards themselves. Anna can be reached by email or via her website.