On the Big Island of Hawai’i, I’m chilling on the lanai having an omelette. Kuthumi is by my side, and we have a tiny little chat that spins off into layers of homecoming. As I enjoy the rainy air and feel the ocean breeze, Kuthumi beams an image-feel of how he used to sit (when not walking) on the porch during the monsoon season, visiting his homelands, being with himself.
Eager to explore the island and enjoy my soul-home to the fullest, I have instead been ill for a few days, an experience which has offered a welcome grounding and an anxiety-spurring, stuff-surfacing space. The deeper I’ve allowed this rest and reset, the vaster the swell of regret and longing has grown in my heart.
The regret of not being out and about. The fear of missing out on something. The regret of yet another day of delay in my creative project (and the general regret of having put my creativity to the sidelines in favor of other work). The longing of a relationship left behind some years back, missing the daily sharing of a beautiful life with someone safe and loving. The longing for soulful, equal connections. The disappointment of not being entirely met by others, of compromise. The soft but still visible scars of relationships dissolved.
As the feelings surface unfiltered, I realize that the current longing has much to do with the finality of this lifetime, with goodbyes to people I’ve loved, already missing all the places and landscapes I’ve called home. Feeling into my human journey, memories rise of the freshness and innocence of the first experiences inhabiting a body – so light, so fleeting, in and out, pure joy – and the ensuing experiments, battle wounds, wisdom, delights, hardships and simple wonders of human life.
All this longing and regret stems, not so much from my present human self, but from being the common thread of many lifetimes past, now surfacing and coming home for integration. Oh, the deep grief of those expressions of my soul who thought their lives were “wasted,” the martyrs dying dissatisfied, their missions incomplete, the world still a mess, hearts unmended.
But it is only a perception that anything is ever wasted or lost. The perception of separation, of less than completeness, of being somewhere or with someone else than we need to be, of the illusory perception of time itself. There’s never anything the soul is not. The soul IS the regret, the doubt, the games, the flu weighing the body down, the discovery of ever-unfolding self-love, the human journey – and everything beyond.
I recently took part in the Time Traveling workshop where we talked about probabilities versus potentials. There’s a recording with the same title (here) that came out many years ago, which I’ve listened to every now and then, finding it so poignant and applicable on my journey. It helped me realize how we mostly we keep pretty closed off from ourselves.
This overlapped an observation made while working with my clients. I could sense into their energy, feeling the difference between the limited, patterned trajectory of their life and the golden potentials bubbling in their energy, but rarely tapped or chosen into existence. I then started my own kind of therapy practice where, instead of just channeling for people, by kicking their pants I could inspire them to take full responsibility for their lives and energies. Many do, and that’s when deep transformations happen and dreams become manifest. Of course, that has also been my own journey all along.
In my view, consciously tapping into our potentials takes inner safety, compassion and ending the spiritual bypassing. That means integrating the wisdom concepts AND sacking the endless healing, limited perspectives, and patterns of unworthiness.
To me the deciding factor has always been self-love: the gifts we are willing to offer ourselves. Sometimes the gift is taking an honest, thorough look at ourselves, facing and releasing (not overlooking or denying) the illusory blocks of shame, envy, comparison, doubt, irresponsibility and blame. Those games tend to keep our brightest potentials at bay. Although the limited perspectives of ourselves are expressions of the soul as much as anything else, when we believe we are less than complete and play the part of the small human, that’s what we attract from (or unconsciously command of) our own energy – small human probabilities.
There’s also the potential of a very flowy merging and coming together of all parts of ourselves in this human tracksuit: living life in joy and in love with who we truly are. When there’s nothing to attain and nothing to regret, there’s no resistance in experiencing my energy in its unfractured flow. This compassionate prism liberates me to finally experience whatever potentials I choose, to manifest the dreams of my heart. I feel that’s why those aspects / facets are raising their heads now - they’ve gotten the memo that the designated ascendee of theirs is done fiddling with limited views.
It doesn’t necessarily mean the human life becomes somehow perfect or stress-free, or that I don’t ever play any games. But I’m also allowing myself to enjoy life and choose my Big Flow, as I call it – ready to (sometimes falteringly) jump off some cliffs, if need be, ready for all and any feelings and emotions as they unfold, ready to play out the human part full-heartedly, as my unfractured self.
So, as you are very likely going to leave this experience of human life with no regrets anyway, in your completeness, what would you choose for your life now?
If all your human foibles, games, weird shit and the general clusterfucks of life were nothing to be taken too seriously? If, actually, nothing was wrong, what would you gift yourself with?
What would you choose, if you allowed your heart to sing, let yourself go crazy, not be so sensible for once (or to be sensible for once if it served your wellbeing)?
What would you choose, with no regrets?
Author’s note: My new soul expression, the YouTube channel Soul and Stuff, is where I talk about self-love (my ever-expanding passion), human life with all it’s silliness, glory, fun and crap – and my own form of wisdom psychology. And if you’re up for some compassionate, transformative butt-kicking, private sessions are available online through my website annataipale.com.