After the last two Keahak channels where Adamus explained how important it is to be intolerant to things that do not serve me anymore, it became quite clear how to work with this. At first I got a bit sad and angry because I realized how much I tolerated all the crap in my life; I worked jobs that were not serving me anymore and tolerated people of all sorts in my life just so things will work out for everybody. I felt I needed them because of my work and that I must be tolerant in order to make a living. But when I looked again, almost nothing of what I was doing was serving me anymore. So in a way all the walls came down and it all fell apart.
It was just before the “Magic of Merlin” event in Romania (good thing I had already paid for the event and the flight). In my despair I thought seriously about whether I should go to Sibiu or instead start looking for a new job and apartment here in Oslo. It wasn’t because I couldn’t adapt to my old place and fix things so I could stay there, but because I just couldn’t take it anymore. However, since everything was already in place, I decided to go to the Merlin event anyway.
The first night in Sibiu was magical. A mysterious moon was in the sky and a warm wind blew across the terrace where I had dinner. But upon waking the next day, I started feeling sad and guilty. “Maybe I shouldn’t be here. Will I find a job when I go back to Oslo? Will I still have a place to live?” I felt like I had made a big mistake. The questions were stuck in my mind so deep that I even felt guilty for being alive.
In the evening I was planning to meet the teachers who were hosting the event. I love them dearly for they were my teachers for the Sexual Energies and Aspectology Schools. Knowing that I would meet them and feeling the love I have for these beautiful Masters made me feel much better, so I distracted myself from my worries and went to the meeting. But when I got back to my room the same worries still played over and over again, and I didn’t even want to go to the event. The way the teachers saw me was exactly the opposite of how I saw myself. I felt like a victim of my creation, of life itself and a victim of the mess that I had gotten into (thinking the mess was something I didn’t create).
But finally, there I was at the event, taking my seat. Because it was my first live Crimson Circle event I did not know how to act and what to do, so I just sat down and watched. As time passed and Adamus took me into many different experiences, I opened up. I discovered that I am the creator of my own life, and this time I didn’t just hear the “AND” coming from Adamus; I really experienced it. I flew around the room AND stayed in my body AND, at the same time, I was outside the building looking at my self through the window AND also in my “nothing room” in my mansion – AND it felt so normal to do that.
At the end of the day I felt much better. I wanted to spend some time with Shaumbra for the first time at an event, and also share some words with Geoff and Linda (finally I could meet them!). But when I got close to them it felt like I was doing something wrong, like I shouldn’t be there. I struggled to speak, but something was really fighting me, something that was using its last desperate breath to keep me in this state. Over the next amazing days I had fun, but at the same time was very grumpy, always feeling like a victim and like I was doing something wrong.
The event ended and I went to visit my mother in a nearby town called Deva, where I was born. The whole time there was a pain in my chest and a pressure on my head. I couldn’t breathe normally for two days and the “doing something wrong” self was very present. One night, walking down the street to visit a friend, the pain in my chest became even more intense. I asked a question to my self: “How would I feel to just abandon myself right now on this street and give up all the fight?” Instantly it felt like I had a big hole in my chest. A feeling of release and both internal and mental orgasm came into my whole being. I had to stop because it was so overwhelming. It felt like I was dying somehow, but I didn’t care anymore. I had had enough of feeling like a victim, enough of this feeling that had been in the background all my life.
Somehow I arrived at my friend’s place and there it started up again. I started crying and had to lie on the couch, completely immersed in what I can now call “total allowing.” For the next 30 minutes it felt like I had the biggest energy orgasm of my life. I had felt the same when I took SES but not so intense.
A few days later I was feeling much better but still not knowing how my life would work out. Another question came: “How would I act if I were an enlightened architect?” I felt that in myself, and within days I received a call from a friend, inviting me to design his sports shop in Bucharest.
Soon I was there, drawing and planning for the shop, the ideas flowing and everything feeling effortless. My friend and I made quite a good team and were planning to start building the next day. But that night I caught a flu and again felt awful with neck pain, headaches and sweating. Lying in bed feeling very uncomfortable, something popped into my mind. At first I said, “Oh, now what? My bankcard got stolen a week ago, I have no money, I am sick, now what? Yes, but I EXIST!” It was the first time I really felt that I exist no matter what. No matter how much money I have or how sick I am or even if I feel like I’m dying, I STILL EXIST. This had such a big impact that it blew apart many of my old fears.
The experience with the questions made me realize that I really am the creator of my own reality, so I continued to play with that. I asked the question, “How would I feel if I would be healthy?” and it worked again. I had the feeling of a healthy body, then a memory came of a day when I felt really great, and I started feeling better and better.
A few days later, the project was finished and I was on my way to the airport in Bucharest, almost out of time. I took a cab, but the streets were crowded and the traffic was very slow. It was just after Shoud 2 with the bon experience, and while I was in the cab this came to me: “Accept the reality as it is and project your own movie.” So I did. I looked at the bon through my own movie, as if I somehow had two layers of reality – one that was already there and the one that I just created. Without effort I rolled in the movie where I was on the airplane reading a paper on my way to Oslo and really felt it. One minute later the cab driver made a big turn, saying he just remembered a shortcut to the airport. Twenty-five minutes later I was at the airport, a journey that usually takes an hour, and soon after, there I was, reading the paper on the airplane.
Back in Oslo I started playing more with the questions and what I learned on my way to the airport, and it has changed everything. I feel that I am reborn as a new Master Creator, still sometimes sensing the old victim paradigm that I used to live in, but now it is only a shadow. I am working on a new project and every day rolling my own movie on a new sheet of bon.
Ah, and I almost forgot. One day I asked myself the question “How would it feel to get my stolen money back?” Shortly after I received an email from the bank telling me that they had returned the money to my account. I know that these are small things but for me they are grand creations.
Anything is possible.
Horatiu was born in Transylvania and at 14 years old decided to become an architect. He studied architecture at the Technical University of Cluj Napoca, now lives in Oslo as a self-employed architect and also practices rock climbing as a professional athlete. His website is horatiudicoi.com