“What you remember is not exactly what really happened” is a statement Adamus has delivered many times. He is so right!
Re-listening to ProGnost 2014 recently, I remembered a beautiful story that happened to me about six years ago. In ProGnost 2014, Adamus encouraged us to take a few days all by ourselves now and then. I was already used to taking lots of time for myself, having created a kind of ‘freelancer’ work within my medical profession. It simply meant that I was able to work as many days a month as I wanted and choose exactly which days I preferred to show up for my 24-hour shifts in emergency care. It was a beautiful creation because, in spite of the heavy work it represented and the fact that I did not appreciate it so much, I was able to feel free from the usual hierarchy system, the regular hospital schedule, and the feeling of having a boss in charge of all my time. Actually, it was not heavy duty at all, because I was already used to choosing a pleasant time throughout every 24-hour confinement, and somehow it always miraculously seemed to run incredibly smoothly and there were never heavy accidents nor serious injuries on my watch.
So, in great joy, I eagerly went off to do my ‘homework’ that Adamus suggested. I went to a travel agency and presented myself with three beautiful days and four nights in a 5-star hotel by the sea. Needless to say, I had a lovely surprise of a special price and promotion on the spot, just because I opened and chose to offer it all to myself from the bottom of my heart. I smiled in joy, because I took it all as being somehow an accomplice wink from Adamus, and as a gift and sign of approval from my inner Master. To top it off, in spite of the fact it was wintertime, the weather forecast said I would have three beautiful warm sunny days. Perfect!
I arrived at the hotel in the afternoon and checked in quickly, eager to go for a walk along the beach. Then came another surprise: For ‘no reason’ I was upgraded – at no extra charge – to the best suite on the top floor! My, what a beautiful suite with a smashing view overlooking the ocean, a huge room with king-size bed, a spacious living room with cozy sofas and a gigantic TV screen, a luxury marble bathroom with jacuzzi, and even an enormous private solarium on the rooftop to enjoy all by myself. I was delighted.
I went out for a walk, did some pleasant shopping in the nearby stores, and finished the day with an early dinner in a beautiful fancy restaurant. I was on a date with myself, so I enjoyed all the best on the menu, including some expensive wine to indulge and make a toast to myself for all the amazing gifts I was receiving.
Back in the hotel, I laid down on the large balcony sofa to enjoy the magnificent night views, the most welcome silence, and an incredible sensation of wellbeing. All I could hear was the soft sound of the waves 400 yards away from the hotel. The evening was starting to get a little chilly, so I went inside. Rather than turning on the TV in the living room, I took my earphones to breath with some of Adamus’ beautiful merabhs from the Quantum Allowing seminar. Certain that the next day would be another pleasant experience of walking along the seashore, sunbathing on the solarium, and gourmet meals in tranquil surroundings, I soon fell asleep feeling happy and blessed.
The next morning, I woke up at precisely 8:08 – another wink from my soul – and tried to get up. Something was awfully wrong. I felt dizzy, feverish and nauseous. Dragging myself to the bathroom in agony, my legs felt wobbly and my head felt empty. After a monumental “purging” episode, I managed to take a quick shower, and then had to crawl on the floor back to my bed, cursing the long distance in the massive suite. I finally reached my pillow but, feeling another excruciating bowel movement coming on, I considered camping out in the living room, which was 20 yards closer to the toilet. With all the water that came from my body it felt like I was melting. I had never felt so seriously ill in my life. It seemed I was going through a cleansing of the last many months or even years. Freezing with cold sweats and chills, I took the warmest bath possible, until my teeth stop chattering.
Trembling away in my gigantic bed, my mind running in circles, I suddenly felt angry. What had I done wrong? Of course, I started blaming my last meal – and damned expensive on the top of it! – the shrimps, the wine – double damned expensive! – the incredible amount of sugar in the egg pudding with caramel sauce I had indulged in at the end. Damn you, greedy girl! The simple thought of it made me feel like vomiting; all that expensive indulgence down the toilet now, dammit!
My anger grew. Little details and remembrances of my other suppressed angers came up and I wanted to strangle all the culprits of bad feelings, whether my recent or ancient. With all that anger, I felt my strength raise a bit. I managed to get up again and cross the massive room to the distant minibar, collect all the water bottles it contained, and bring them to the nightstand. I was still full of rage, but also thirsty, empty, and now incredibly tired with those last efforts.
Back to bed and wrapped in all the blankets I could find, a question suddenly came: “Did you really think you had integrated all your anger aspects, hmm? Silly girl. Start doing your breathing and shut up!” I allowed myself to feel all that anger again, both towards myself and towards everybody I was blaming for my bad feelings. It took a long session of breathing and struggling and letting go, till I relaxed and felt a lot of stuff had been released. I was exhausted.
Now, it was late in the evening and, since I finally seemed to be feeling better, I thought I would get up the next day to go out and enjoy some sun and fresh air. Not a chance! The next morning, I was burning with a sudden high fever, my body ached everywhere, and I was not able to move. In fact, the body seemed absent and unresponsive; all I could do was to turn my neck to the right side, where the wide-open windows showed me the endless shimmering ocean. I wished for my sunglasses to help me endure the intensity of the light, but knew it was better to stay put, close my eyes and sleep away.
My mind screamed out, “What is wrong with me? A stroke?” And then a lot of very old embarrassing situations crossed my mind. I wanted to run and hide somewhere, but the remembrances flooded like a hopeless wave, and I cried in despair. I was terrified for feeling paralyzed, and ashamed of so many things I’d gone through in my life and swept under the rug. I had thought it was all settled and resolved, even forgotten a long time ago. Now I felt guilty for my presumption of having ‘healed’ myself of those bad feelings and experiences.
I was being forced to revisit all my relationships and marriages and sons and lovers and colleagues and friends, members of family and spiritual groups, even patients. I had only time and silence to let them come, and they all lined up to torment me. How could I have thought and said this and that to A and B? How could I have mistreated such a good person? How could I have been so demanding with C and D, and failed to have compassion and patience for the sufferings of E and F? How could I have failed such a diagnosis or only have such a minor success in such-and-such case in all my spotless career? How could I have let me suffer such unfair humiliations within that so called ‘spiritual group’ just to hold onto my supposed role of ‘good disciple’, humble and spiritual person? My sense of guilt and shame grew like a cloak of lead over my shoulders, along with my rage. I cried and sobbed to emptiness, finally falling asleep in complete exhaustion.
Day two, I awoke at the same time: 8:08. My body seemed to have recovered; no more pain, not hungry at all, only a need for lots of water. Reaching for the water bottle, I noticed I could barely lift up my head from the pillow. The smallest movement burst out in dizziness and nausea. What the heck was going on now? I was still feverish and with no energy at all. The long walk to the bathroom was agony, and I cursed once again the huge suite. Should I call for help? Ask for a smaller room?
Back in bed I reviewed my situation. Here I was in the most beautiful suite I could have wished for and feeling like a dead dog! I had only the strength to let it happen. I knew somewhere inside of me that it was a process going on, and I was being dared to go through it alone. I didn’t have much choice; there is not much you can do if you are lying in bed and can’t even lift up your head. I found myself going through all my demons again, but this time with less fear and a blessed sleepiness calming me down. So much for a long day two.
Day three was the same. Same awakening hour, bathroom, shower, water, bed. A beautiful view on my right side, with a peaceful sunny day outside. I listened to all the merabhs I could when awake, and ‘slept’ all day long; or went into an altered state where my mind seemed to function very slowly. The fever went so high I felt my eyes burning and could barely open them. Better to go into sleep and forget about everything. I found out I was not really afraid of the ongoing process. I simply abandoned myself into my Master´s hands. The beautiful voice of Adamus was there for me, and I felt strangely calm. A discrete chamber maid came in, quietly replenished the water and gave a smile but no comment. Strange. I could not even remember having asked for her to come. Perhaps she came to change the linen and found me sound asleep, half dead.
I was fully aware this was a huge cleansing and releasing. Better accept it and not interfere. My demons were still there, but now I was looking at them mostly as an observer. In spite of the high fever, I was breathing deeply, effortlessly, and having beautiful moments of a deep inner connection. I felt such huge waves of love for myself that I let tears of gratitude flow. Suddenly, I became acutely aware that I was fooling myself with my work.
In spite of my ‘beautiful creation,’ I still remained a prisoner of a foreign system, in order to give me more money than I actually needed. After some painful discussion with a fearful spinning mind, I finally decided to quit that job and trust myself. It felt like a serious commitment, so I grabbed onto my courage and vowed to accomplish it as soon as possible. A clear crystal resolution.
I looked at all my three days of ‘homework’ and felt it like a huge session of aspect integration and self-trust; a blessed pause to assess my entire life and make some important resolutions. I was not aware nor worried about what the next morning would bring me; I was even ready to extend my hotel stay if necessary.
I woke up the last morning at the same hour, 8:08, and felt strangely good and light. No trace of fever, dizziness, nausea or weakness; nothing at all to indicate what I’d just been through. I was fresh, reinvigorated and ready to go, as if nothing unusual had happened. I went back to town and completed my final shift in the hospital. It was the calmest shift I’d ever had. Not a single patient showed up all day long. Then, I packed my things for good, quit the job, and never returned.
I’ve told this story several times to my Aspectology students, sharing it as an example of a time for integration that the inner Master sets up, when we are truly ready to allow it. Now I know better, having gone through Threshold four years ago, and acknowledge that my Dragon made a ferocious interruption in my life in that precise moment. I could have embellished it a little more, if I was aware of that by then, but the memory came to me very strongly while relistening to the ProGnost 2014 sessions and Adamus’ stories. Believe me, I know how true it is what he was talking about!
What an incredible experience I had! I cherish it so much that I felt like sharing it, especially with the new ones. Do not resist the Dragon! Open up and breath it in. Allow it with endless trust. He is a friend, not a demon.
And allow me another piece of advice: don’t go for any suggested Adamus ‘homework’ with sexy silky lace nightclothes. Such things can be ruined with unexpected profuse sweating!
After living and working as an orthopedic surgeon in Africa and Portugal, and having traveled all over the world, Placidia finally settled down near Lisbon. She’s been a Crimson Circle teacher of Advanced Studies in Portugal, Spain, Italy and Colombia, her greatest joy now is collaborating in leaving the wonderful Library for the newcomers, through Portuguese translations. Placidia says, “In this amazing period of entering into our Mastery, my privilege is enjoying my time, observing this mad world, smiling, sharing my beautiful experiences, and raising a good wine toast to Life!” Placidia can be contacted via email.