Nothing. Absolutely nothing could be more relevant than making Peace with God. At least this is how she felt right now.
Tamara had come across this realization amidst a turmoil of awareness that had been brought up by her intrepid approach to what she felt to be her Soul. She had been dancing back and forth with this for quite some time, getting closer, feeling amazed, then overwhelmed, then ashamed and unworthy and then boom, she was back at square one, or so it seemed.
So one fine day she decided to just sit inside of herself, feel the width and breadth of this, and get to the bottom of it. She breathed. Sensed. Stayed. Let go of her thoughts. Came into a deep stillness in her core and then dived into a sharp pain she suddenly felt in the back of her heart, just beside her right shoulder blade.
As she dived into the pain, it got more intense. Still, she breathed and persisted, until she came across a furious, seething, vengeful warrior. Tall, wide, strong, armored, and not just angry but downright enraged, he seemed to be fighting against something, but nothing was there. He was fighting against thin air, much like Don Quixote in his battles against windmills.
Tamara approached him and stood there, watching, waiting for him to see her. Which he did after a long while, in the midst of pausing for breath. She looked him in the eyes, so that he could know she saw him. He was not expecting this. He himself looked her in the eyes and something made him stop, step back, and let his armor down.
As she sensed him (for he was her), she felt a great grief, sadness beyond description and a helplessness that no power amassed through victory could transform. He had lost many loved ones, entire populations. He had lost everything he cared for, and could not understand why, if there was a God, did these things happen? Why was there so much suffering? Why?
So, he had become angry at God. He didn’t want to be on the planet, didn’t want to be human, and he couldn’t take it anymore. He had played the roles of villain, victim and savior too, but none gave him solace or answers.
And the doubt always crept in. If there was a God, who could say which side He took in these battles of fate? Would He consider those who came and burned down our villages the ones who deserved His protection or would He consider us, the ones who killed them, worthy of His mercy? And when it was the other way around, whose side would He take then? Were there even sides to be taken?
Tamara came closer to the warrior, extended her hand, offered her embrace. It was a gesture he did not know. He had been fighting for so long that he had forgotten tenderness, gentleness, sweetness. The world was just too harsh a place to allow for such vulnerabilities, and yet she was here. It felt good to allow her embrace. An enormous lump of emotion welled up in his throat and he started sobbing uncontrollably. Like he had never sobbed before. Screaming, wailing, the tears soaking her shoulder. He cried and cried and cried until he had no strength left, falling to his knees in an act of surrender. She kneeled with him and kept him in her arms, simple Present. Just compassionately Present.
She knew all these feelings so well, and now she could finally own them, acknowledge them, embrace them, and release the shame, guilt, and blame. She could set herself free from hatred for she now realized she had done it all and been it all. She had never really been able to overcome the deep, deep emptiness of never feeling whole, and this had lead him/her to play all sorts of power games – being the victor, the savior, the king and queen, as well as the psychopath, the warlord, the mercenary, the nurse, doctor, slave, pauper, decision-maker, and so much more. Power over others, power over things, places, situations, as well as powerlessness; she had played it all.
When Tamara had first started sensing her grander Self, her Divine Essence, she had actually been surprised to have one, such were the atrocities she had both experienced and perpetrated throughout the eons of existence. Whether in masculine or feminine form, wherever he or she had lived on the planet, it didn’t really matter.
And now he had come to her. She had been able to be so still, so compassionate, that this part of her that had been angry with God for a very long time, had finally shown himself. And she could see it all. Of course, if the God in question was the one mankind had created to serve whichever side He was created by, and yet if He was to be loving and kind and all humans were His children, well, this God did not make sense and could not be trusted. If this God was the one making the decisions as to who gets to live or be destroyed, it was not a God that could be understood. There was too much bias, too much separation for this to be the answer.
However, in her slow dance of Human coming closer to Soul, and Soul to Human, she had come to know something different: She was loved no matter what. In fact, one of her most important discoveries was that here on Earth it is the Human free will doing the choosing, and Soul cannot interfere in whatever experience the Human chooses. Such is the freedom given to the human facet. Good and bad are not commanded by outside forces but allowed or revoked from within each heart, each mind, each decision. For ultimately, in the eyes of Soul, there is no good and bad; there are simply choices and their results. There is a realm of experiences to be had in separation from one’s Soul and a realm of experiences to be had in reunion as well. Some are experiences of suffering, others of harmony, but all of them expand realities, possibilities, and consciousness. Knowing this, was essential for Tamara to be able to choose and decide which way to go, what she now allowed into her experience, and what kind of reality she was willing to create and live.
She was tired of being in charge. Really. The habit of control was becoming too demanding, and she had had enough. She had been willing to surrender, to discover a new way through the guidance of her Soul, the particle of God within her, but it had been elusive. Now she knew why. It was this warrior, the exhausted, angry, and desperate warrior who had been standing guard for eons.
Tamara was happy to allow these emotions to move, to invite this part of herself back home whenever he was ready to trust. There was no rush, she now knew how to wait. Her Soul had shown her the virtue of patience and her heart was more at peace each day as she explored the love her Essence lay before her, one step at a time.
She was in no hurry. There was nowhere to get to, just experiences to be had, including her own inner merging. Human and Divine were becoming a single wholeness with all the parts like stars shining in the blackness of a moonlit sky. There was such beauty in the blackness of this sky, as there was also beauty in the radiance of the moon and stars. They could not be without one another. But just as the moon seems to fade in the daylight and its cycles, so too her Soul had seemed to not be there for a very long time.
Her love for this planet and everything on it – every creature, plant, mineral, and human – just grew and grew, the more she united with her Essence. It was a natural thing, this compassionate love. She felt such honor, gratitude, and respect for all, for there were so many journeys, all of them different. Some full of obvious suffering, others where the suffering was hidden. And then a few who had realized they were God also, walking into a new kind of reality where suffering was not the common denominator.
She could see the dramas too, of course, for she wasn’t pretending not to be a human. But she no longer identified and got enmeshed in them. She knew so very, very firmly in her heart that staying Present in the knowingness of God within could radiate tsunamis of consciousness all over the planet, the likes of which no valiant warrior could ever achieve.
She had no interest in taking sides, for she knew how precious compassion had been on her journey. In the long challenges of uncovering all her hidden layers of unacceptability, only the pure compassion of her Soul had been able to keep her safe enough to not be afraid of facing it all without judgement, denial, or rejection. She had learned to become neutral, sensing all the emotions, beliefs, and experiences of her existence without having to fix or change them. In fact, she could not change them for they were gone. They were past. But she could accept them and invite them back home into her, the creator of each one.
It was about dissolving, transforming, letting go, choosing differently now. Acting differently. Being different. Her Soul had shown her how to be still and open, receptive to every single unloved part of herself, and this had changed everything here and now.
Tamara knew how powerful her compassion and radiance were. She knew this so clearly that it mattered not who else knew, what others thought about it or what they did. With her warrior back home, she could now use that strength and courage to breathe impartial love into the world, each day and every moment, firm, determined, unwavered by the storms howling around her. She felt like a rod firmly planted in the ground, yielding to compassion more and more, and getting out of the way by releasing centuries of cynicism, indifference, and righteousness.
Now that the warrior had come home, her heart was strong enough to melt into her Soul and find herself on the other side of identity. Now it was time for a new chapter, a new book, a whole new Earth, hopefully for many. And, with no attachment to an outcome, Tamara knew she could choose only for herself. Choosing for others was an illusion, and she would be in much greater service by living in her own harmony and radiance. It was not a common choice, but it was her choice. It was her Soul’s invitation, one she accepted completely.
To experience a love so grand that no fear could deny it – this was her ultimate design, the choice of all choices for her own journey. It was a love affair with her Soul, and in living it she was complete. No matter what.
Thus is the powerless strength of harmony within.
Tania is the founder of InPassion Coaching, through which she shares the Compassionate Breath and provides Isness Mentoring. She likes to call herself a Changeologist: a conscious explorer of the “science” of change, in other words, energy in motion. She says “Miracle Assistant” is the perfect description of how she assists people in creating and allowing miracles in their own lives, even as she enjoys her own, living in deep gratitude for the miracle that life is. She can be reached through her website.