When Adamus recently said that the darkness is a lie, I felt as if the heavy drapery that had kept me in a semi-dark room for the past three years was finally drawn back. Sunlight flooded in, carrying the knowingness that I was releasing the lie of darkness. It was a moment of deep transformation.
Although in every Shoud I’d gotten signs, ideas, intuitions and aha’s, the reasons for so much bitterness and frustration were finally coming together. Tears of honor rolled down my face for this human aspect who had been in charge of such a mission.
In the days that followed I decided to share my experience. I knew what Adamus meant when he said that the experience could be difficult for some Shaumbra. I had gone through it with no one to share it with, no one who would understand what I was experiencing. I am not in touch with Shaumbra where I live or elsewhere in the world. The monthly Shouds are my sole lifeline that help me make it through each day.
However, wanting to share my experience is one thing. Actually doing it is quite another. It is not easy to walk out of the closet, face exposure to the public and take responsibility for whatever might come. Doubt and fear showed me their ugly faces and I panicked. But I decided to walk on and just do it.
I would like to share two specific situations that relate to this.
First, the date when it all got triggered, 06-15-2013 (which adds up to 666). It was a turning point: a loved one whom I trusted completely and for whom I would put my head on the block, had lied to me. I was so deeply disappointed that I decided to remove this person from my life.
It was easy for me (or so I thought) to end relationships, and I expected to simply move on into a new stage of my life. I felt confident that everything that would come to me would be related to freedom and that the worst was already behind. I was right, but also so very wrong. The awakening is cruel and on the way to freedom it exposed all of my demons and makyo.
Everything was fine for about a week and then I started with flu-like symptoms, followed by fainting, vértigo, and a terrible depression. The anxiety and pain in my body and heart were unbearable. I blamed myself for all that had happened, for having neglected this person and hurting him with my attitudes, thinking that these were the reasons why he had acted in such a way. It felt like a punishment. I wanted to die but I was also scared of what I might find on the other side. What if everything I had learned and experienced in the last few years was a lie and hell was awaiting me?
I couldn’t stop crying and my mother was so concerned that she called this person, who came right away. Finding me in this pitiful condition he knelt next to my bed and we each asked for mutual forgiveness. The 21 days that Adamus mentioned in the Master’s stories had elapsed.
As I started recovering, I thought about what had happened and realized that I had experienced the pain of the original separation of Spirit. I had felt the blame and sadness that stems from that wound we have carried for so long, ever since we crossed the Wall of Fire. The experience helped me understand that I had to forgive myself to be free, and that the true forgiveness came by saying, “That was not me.”
A couple months later, I tried to reestablish my relationship with that person, but I was different. I was no longer the independent, confident and detached woman I used to be, the one who always tried to understand the other person’s perspective, who never created drama, and who always wanted to do the right thing and be a good, spiritual person. I could hardly recognize myself. The old tools detachment, strong will and persistence did not work anymore. All the hidden pains and disappointments relentlessly came to the surface.
I was becoming someone I did not like or recognize suspicious, jealous, insecure, self-esteem lying on the floor, afraid of anything that made me feel vulnerable, and scared most of the time. These aspects coming through led me to chaos and almost to insanity.
In the Discovery Series, Adamus spoke about reordering our reality; and that we go through the disconnection of millions of contact points, so we feel that we want to reconnect with the things we understand. He also explained that the mind is relational, and that for a period of time it would feel frustrated for not being able to associate the experience, so it would come to panic, fear, and anxiety.
The opportunities to “live the experience” seemed never-ending. Someone robbed me and used my things without authorization. My kitchen was infested with rats. Of course these were reflecting back to me how I was robbing and abusing myself. So many old aspects were coming to me in the shape of people, emotions, anxiety and pain, all looking for acknowledgment.
I, who had always tried to be “good,” began looking for trouble. I became resentful, seeing the face of hatred and the desire for revenge. These aspects had been held back because they were not suitable for a spiritual person. Everything seemed to be a proof that darkness was real. All that was hidden was coming out and I got caught in it, fighting against it.
Prior to Shoud 8 of the Discovery Series, a fellow broke into my garden to steal a gas tank. I saw him through the window and yelled at him to stop, but he jumped over the fence as if the tank had no weight and disappeared. The next day, Adamus spoke about thoughts, comparing them to flatulence that we try to hold on to and control. But they are not ours.
Seeking distractions, I attended parties and for the last three years watched people drink alcohol as if it were water. To me it was disgusting. Eventually I realized that this was reflecting my own addictions – one more glass of suffering, one more glass of doubt, one more glass of just enough, one glass after the other. I had never drank alcohol, but one particularly extreme day, following Adamus advice to a Shaumbra lady, I drank the “whole damned bottle of wine” to see if I could forget my reality a bit. It unrooted some very stuck issues and gave me a new experience.
The second specific situation was that, just as Mary Sue had been studying Walter Russell, I had been studying George Gurdjieff. I knew he had been active in 1915, and when Adamus mentioned that date, it felt like confirmation that I was on the right path. And when I read what he told Mary Sue, I felt he was also talking to me.
Gurdjieff wrote a book titled “Beelzebub’s Tales to His Grandson,” and the title made me hesitate to read it. I think he chose this title on purpose, to make the reader go beyond their internal programming and take a risk in reading it. The book talks about destroying, with no compromise whatsoever, the deeply-rooted beliefs and opinions they hold regarding everything that exists in the world.
So this is how three years passed, and every Shoud helped me to understand the process. I was awakening and embodying things that I thought I already knew, but that had simply been makyo. But recognizing makyo is ok. It is the “AND.” It was about realizing, experiencing and accepting multiple realities. It was not about fighting or healing, but about integrating and allowing everything in the pool of potentials.
Now I feel I am seeing light again, and also closing cycles. All of it has been a great opportunity to look at what had been limiting me. I could not understand myself from my mind. Everything I had studied and learned from Masters, and even my past lives, had served up to a point. But it was time to come to a whole different level, where everything needed to be felt and experienced. It was about accepting that this is life in the embodied enlightenment and that I am a Master. With this acceptance, the energies aligned themselves to serve me.
Thinking again about the fellow who stole my gas tank, I tremble because of the depth of that experience. I remember yelling at the top of my lungs as he kept on running away. He did not stop to think if he was doing something wrong, or if the tank was too heavy. He only ran with the firm idea of taking the tank.
That boy taught me something about what Adamus calls “star hopping.” When the Master wants to be on a distant star, he is simply there. When the Master wants to be abundant, he simply is. This is how easily a Master can do things. He just chooses what he wants and doesn’t stop to think, because thought will limit and pollute the ideas, and that is not going to work.
Experiencing extreme situations allows us to go beyond, and I got to understand a couple of things. The tank fellow took my “gases” (or flatulence), the aspects that were not ready to integrate. Maybe sometime they will be ready to come home.
I was listening to a song whose lyrics say, “Memories do not hold you, memories do not kiss you, memories are good for nothing if you are not here.” I feel that when you have a lost love, the desire to be with that person becomes an aspect that goes with them. And the emptiness we feel is the absence of that aspect, the part of ourselves that is gone. But since we do not understand what is really missing, we suffer and keep trying to be with that person.
Today, I have decided to star hop and jump into the knowingness that everything has worked out fine, that I have walked beyond and transcended the lie of darkness. I have done nothing wrong. That was the biggest lie I’ve ever bought, followed by the one that I could not succeed in life, that I was a failure.
I have chosen to put my consciousness in freedom, and that life is just an experience. And, although the rubber band still attempts to pull me back, it is weakening more and more. I simply Walk On, allowing my I Am and choosing to experience and enjoy my realization, my embodied enlightenment and LIFE. What do you choose?
Viviana was born in 1960 and currently lives in Córdoba, Argentina. In 2004 the Magi brought her a gift, then she found Tobias and Adamus and her life would never again be the same. Viviana can be reached at [email protected]
Special thanks to Virgilia Aguirre for translating this article.