One of the spiritual teachings I always dreaded the most is the invite to love ourselves. “I love myself! I love myself! I love myself!” is a mantra that is almost forced onto those desiring to grow and live a happier life. I don’t know about you, but I never felt comfortable with looking myself in the mirror declaring unconditional love, while repeating sweet words. And yet, I recently have come to realize how important it is to offer ourselves something that truly supports us, and which has our back when the going gets tough.
Acceptance does not sound as nice as love. It probably never sold millions of records and made people fall for one another. In fact, it is fair to say that acceptance sounds quite clinical. Almost dry. But lately, my newly formed ability to accept whatever emerges within and around me, has led me to a very important breakthrough. Of course, not without a tear or two, but accepting things as they are is actually freeing me from what has always held me back.
I have suffered a great deal all my life: while to the rest of the world I was this chatty and lively girl, inside I felt haunted. Even at a very young age, I was always aware of a very imposing and stern presence around me. Like a creature lurking in the dark, this “thing” would always be right by my side, whispering into my ears, pulling me back whenever I tried to fly towards new dreams.
She demanded allegiance to her authority from me and anyone I met along the way. She demanded acknowledgement of her great wisdom and power. No interaction ever happened without me trying to be recognized for my knowingness and ability to see what not many others could.
As a child, I’d go around and around wanting to be seen and heard. Mine was not a need or a wish. It just was something expected. I felt big inside. I felt that I was further ahead than those around me, even the adults, and they should just grant me implicit trust and respect. That child became a young girl and then a woman, but not one day went by without her walking on her own rhythm. This aspect never left my side. Every person I met was an opportunity to receive recognition and admiration. What once must have been taken away from her many lifetimes before, she now demanded it all back.
While this may sound like the plot for one of those films noir, for me it was just hell. I often would dread meeting new people because I just could not take the unbearable weight of seeing myself feeding off them. Like a little vampire disguised as lively and charming girl, all I cared for was their obedience and recognition of my great wisdom.
I always thought that it was quite tragic how I got to be born into a family where actually no one seemed to care about how masterful and sovereign I may have been. In fact, they even took me to a priest because they thought I was just weird. In the end, I grew so tired of trying to impress them, I simply “became small.” Ditched all my quirky ways, anything that made me look too different from others, and from then on, just tried to blend in. I understand now that I was only trying to keep this monster at bay, because I could not control it. At times, it was hard to know who was who: was it me, being rightfully proud of myself, or was it my aspect just feeding off anyone willing to fall prey?
I just assumed that my family were not evolved enough to really see and embrace me, and I’d often feel sorry for them.
But one thing that I was only recently able to see is that, whatever malevolent charm I may have been under, most of my family was too. It is like we all came back in this life together, so we could keep this ancient ghost alive, through our tendency to abuse and diminish one another. This trait is particularly prominent within our female lineage; however, I now see how my beloved father would go to great lengths to surround himself with people he could easily impress, resenting those who would confront him. I see now that I too have been guilty of this. We both went from one person to the other, looking for that authority and respect we must have lost so long ago. We both felt it was rightfully ours; however, the way we’d go about getting it was often not gracious or discreet.
It was actually the other day that I clearly saw all this: I met a lovely woman for coffee, and I sensed right away how big her personality is. Since it was the first time we met, I was obviously trying to suss her out, but what stood up to me was the need to “become small” again. Just like when I was younger, I simply retreated into my little corner because I could not handle her flamboyant ways.
Truth is, I just could not handle that this smart and self-assured new friend was not going to be impressed by me any time soon.
I spent the following day with my aspect growling and breathing onto my face, moving as I moved, without giving me any space. She was onto me, and she was not going to let me get away with it this time: how could I be so stupid and meek? How could I let that woman believe, even for one tiny second, that she may be more masterful than I am? I should have proved to her how grand I am, how wise and aware I worked hard to be.
I suddenly experienced a wave of hatred and disgust for myself, both new and powerful, which took my breath away. I knew right away that the time had come to stand up and free myself from the clutches of my inner demon.
Adamus tells us during Aspectology that aspects do not care about us. They just want our soul. I never quite believed this, and I actually thought that our old friend was being a tad dramatic. Perhaps it was a marketing maneuver to make the program more appealing to those desperate to rid themselves of their cumbersome aspects.
I see now that Adamus stated the truth.
The other day it became extremely clear that whatever this “thing” is, she ain’t my friend. I always liked to believe that I was the golden child, chosen for my great mastery, to free her from the dark dungeon she had been confined in, so many centuries ago. It sounds rather romantic, doesn’t it? I naively believed that I could return to her what she was robbed of, had I only tried a bit harder, worked on myself a bit more, got more people to see me and praise me. But it never felt quite enough, and life started to become so limiting and draining. I honestly cannot remember a time when I tried to get to know someone just for the pleasure of it, or when I dealt with loved ones, or even colleagues, without the need to be somehow acknowledged. Every relationship has always been the chance of a free meal for my very hungry aspect.
I have met some incredible folks lately. Some of them within Crimson Circle and others at work. They are very big and bright souls, wise and insightful, and do not need me or whatever it is I wish to offer through my presence. At first, I have found this both humiliating and off putting. I just kept on crying out: “They don’t need me; they don’t need me. No one needs me!” Over and over again, like a painful lament, I’d spend days focusing on the fact that no one was waiting for me to change their lives and cover me with praise.
But now I see how incredible it all really is: I did not come back in this life to be revered and feared by all those small-minded folks, too asleep to see between day and night. I came back because I can stand on my own, and on my own I am walking into my last sunset knowing that whoever chooses to walk alongside me is as sovereign as I am. We are all here truly able to enjoy the splendid array of gifts this life has to offer us, no longer enslaved by guilt, shame, and the need to overpower others. Finally able to be free of the sexual energy virus which has plagued us in past lives, in this one we finally get to appreciate our true essence while singing in unison with our souls.
As I write this, I feel excited by the prospect of starting to enjoy other people like I could never do before. But I also accept that the inner vampire I have been hosting within me as long as I can remember will try anything to hold her space. I would like to tell you that I am finally rid of this nefarious presence, but I know that it is not so. Yet.
Accepting this though, allows me to be more aware of when she may strike next and then choose what serves me best. I know now, that when I meet someone who is both self-assured and confident, my dark aspect may suddenly raise her head and come out of hiding. That is the time to ask myself one very simple question: “What do I need right now?”
As I accept my discomfort, I also allow a quicker way to return to ease and grace. Mostly, I can then enjoy my interactions without fearing they will turn into a feeding feast.
When I sat down with my aspect the other day, determined to stare at her in the eyes without feeling ashamed of myself, I sensed her terror. Not being respected and acknowledged means she will disappear. She will be nothing. She can only exist if others see her. For a moment, I heard her asking me very insidiously, “How would you feel, uh? How would you feel if you became nothing? You will disappear and no one will ever remember you even existed, you stupid fool.”
I sat with this for the longest time, breathing and allowing the same terror to move through my body.
“Yes, I will go back to nothing. I will be nothing again.” I sadly whispered to myself.
And I stayed with the pain that this new awareness brought up within me.
I accepted it and allowed it.
Yes, I am scared to be forgotten but my desire to enjoy my life is bigger than any fear I may feel right now. And I have three new allies which are as potent as any scary ghoul. I call them “my magical 3 As”: Accept. And. Allow.
I accept that some stuff still triggers me because I am in life, and I allow this not to define me. I am the good and the bad, the dark and the light. This and that, here and there. In this life and other dimensions. As long as I keep my allies close to me, I know that I will always be walking into the sunset.
Antonia lives in London UK and is an “Energy Intuitive” & founder of Evoking Grace, an online sacred space designed to inspire you to thrive & live a happier life. She has created a very unique approach which combines intuitive skills, timeless wisdom, and practical tools to help you identify hidden dynamics which stop you from living well and truly enjoy yourself. Her offerings and writings can be found on Evoking Grace, Facebook, Instagram.