In January 2009 the doctors prognosticated for me a remaining lifetime of approximately four months. The reason for this was a relapse of breast cancer that had metastasized into lungs and bones.
Luckily for me, the oncologist was very honest, stating that chemotherapy would only prolong my death for a short while. Of course I decided against this crass therapy. On my way home I had only one thought: “What am I going to do with my eight-year-old dog?” Under no circumstances did I want her to end up in the animal shelter!
For three days the truth of the doctors was also my truth. The evening of the 3rd day I decided to have a talk with Spirit – just like N. D. Walsh described it in his book “Conversations with God” – and for about one hour I ‘let it all out.’ To my amazement I had the feeling like there was actually somebody listening. The next morning, I woke up and just knew that I would live on!
With great clarity I decided to find ways to live on in a good quality of life, and also made a deal with my dog Lucy. I said to her over and over: “As long as you live, I will live too.” It eventually became apparent that I had taken this vow too literal.
Five years later, in January 2014, the veterinarian diagnosed Lucy with liver cancer metastasized to the brain. And since she was already 12 years old, no therapies were recommended. The moment I was told that my four-legged partner had cancer, it was as if I had received my own diagnose all over again! This showed me how my dog and I were one.
Over the course of the year she kept having neurological seizures that intensified more and more. Each time I wished that she would leave her body for good. At the same time, my own immune system was going down hill unnoticed, because the condition of my dog stressed me immensely. My mind spiraled with the question: “Will she die naturally or will I have to intervene? And if I have to take her to the vet – when?”
In November 2014 I suddenly had a strong headache that lasted for three weeks, totally untypical for me. When the pain stopped I forgot about it again. I later learned that during this time a bone tumor broke into the lumbar spine, which allowed the cancer cells into the cerebrospinal fluid. Finally, at the end of December, I had my baby Lucy put to sleep, and a week later felt the first numbness in my toes. I classified this as a psychosomatic symptom due to my grief.
Over the next several months more and more numb areas appeared on my feet, legs and fingers. A slight permanent headache accompanied by nausea persisted as well. No specialist I went to had the slightest idea what caused the symptoms, and trying to get the answer from within didn’t work at all. Just like eight years ago when my spine started hurting, I only got the message from within that all was well. Yeah, from the soul’s standpoint it surely was!
In mid-August 2015 I suddenly lost 4 kilos within two weeks because the entire musculature of my thighs disintegrated. Now that I hardly felt my legs, I realized that something was definitely not okay. The following weeks I kept falling down, as if a short circuit caused my legs to suddenly give up completely.
Then one day it happened just when I was about to walk down a long flight of stairs. The moment I started to go down I experienced something magnificent:
Within a split second I left my body. I felt an incredible lightness as I watched, totally relaxed, how my body tilted down the stairs, head first. While observing this in total compassion, I could also feel my physical body at the same time. As my body tumbled down, I could clearly feel being comfortably held or carried by some type of energy!
The moment I came to a standstill at the bottom of the stairs, I was instantly back in my physical body. In a way, this moment felt like an awakening.
I sat for a few seconds, trembling from the shock. Finally picking myself up again, I realized with relief that nothing was broken. And not only that, other than a slightly bruised sacrum I had no scratch or wounds at all!! What a powerful support of loving energy!
In November I finally went to a hospital to get an MRT and a cerebrospinal puncture done. The next day I received a truly shocking diagnosis: Meningeosis carcinomatosa (carcinomatous meningitis in English). The MRT showed spinal nerves that were covered with tumors from top to bottom. My chance of survival was 0% and the expected remaining time was a few days to a very few months!
Alone in my room again after the diagnosis, the shock got a hold of me. A sudden headache occurred with an intensity I’d never experienced before. It felt like a fragmentation bomb going off in my brain, penetrating every cell. I could only hold my head in my hands and scream helplessly. Finally, a large dose of morphine gave me relief.
Despite the narcotic continuously running through my veins, those peaks of pain came nearly every day. The morphine dosage was increased and I spent the following two weeks in total darkness with a very few moments of being half awake. In that darkness I had another amazing experience:
I felt like being in an endless, deep abyss. My mind was totally offline, and because of that I could sense what so many spiritual books describe: a state of pure, grand existence. I simply was! And by just Being, I was in total acceptance with my human dilemma.
Also, the human part of me that experienced itself in this abyss had no fear whatsoever, nor did this part try to defeat the present condition. There wasn’t a mental judgement for a single moment. Just to Be and observe the condition of my physical body filled me with total peace and loving compassion.
This all-embracing compassion remained when I began emerging from this darkness. I experienced a week of absolute confusion. I didn’t recognize my friends anymore, could hardly articulate my words, and forgot everything from one moment to the other. At some level I realized this confusion and found it terrible. Later I was told that a room in a hospice had been reserved for me because my eyes were already dull. And I was in absolute agreement with crossing over into another dimension.
One afternoon a friend came visiting again. We talked a bit and then she just sat there next to my bed in silence. I had the sudden urge to hold her hand. After approximately two minutes in this position she suddenly got up, walked to the window and turned her back on me. I could feel that she was very upset. When she sat down again she started crying very hard, and finally told me what had happened. While we were holding hands she saw behind her closed eyes how we stood in an empty room. My arm was stretched out towards her because I wanted to happily show her where I was going. My friend clearly knew what that meant and it threw her off balance for that moment.
At the end of the third week something fascinating happened again:
Like usual I was dozing in my bed, when behind closed eyes I suddenly saw a window. It had the kind of blinds you pull down to keep the sun out, and through the slats I could see the brightness outside. The peculiarity of this vision was that they swayed softly, as if the warm summer wind was moving them. But despite the motion there wasn’t any sound. This image radiated total peace, which I could clearly feel.
Later that day the next image appeared. On the right side I saw a huge waterfall, like the Niagara Falls. As in the first image there was motion – the flowing water flowed – but total silence. Again I felt grand peace radiating from this vision.
Three more visions occurred in quick succession:
Directly in front of me a beautiful hummingbird appeared. It looked me straight in the eyes and, hummingbird-like, it seemed to stand motionless in the air. The only movement was its rapid wing beats. While we looked at each other I had the feeling that the hummingbird was delivering a message to me. Although I couldn’t bring it into my consciousness, I still loved its appearance.
The next vision overwhelmed me by its vastness. I seemed to look down onto the ground from above. The land was about to break apart. Everywhere I could see red ‘veins’ or fissures, as if before an earthquake. The gaps diverged more and more, then the ground arose everywhere. To my surprise a beautiful landscape showed up underneath. As far as I could see, a sharply contoured world lay below me with a beauty that looked as if it was from another planet. This vision had the soundless motion as well and I felt the enormous peace it radiated.
The fifth vision surpassed all the others in its grandness. Above me, as far as my eyes could measure the sky, hovered a gigantic brilliant diamond. It continuously opened all of its facets from which a glistening light burst out. This light, charged with all-encompassing peace, constantly flowed into my entire being. The silence in this vision impressed me even more than in the other visions.
All of these visions appeared over and over for three days. Each time I was wide awake with eyes closed. And each time I experienced these moving images with fascination and a peace I had never known before! I noticed over and over feeling very ‘permeable’ and always knew what was going to happen the next moment. I had the impression of information coming in from other dimensions, though I couldn’t allocate it clearly. On the one hand I found this state somewhat weird, bit it also felt familiar.
On the fourth day the doctors were making their rounds and were quite astonished when they saw me. They wondered what had happened because my eyes were bright again and my radiance was much more vital. Of course I didn’t tell them of my visions. When they told me that the relocation to hospice was scheduled for the next day, it touched me deeply and I fiercely called it off immediately. I was definitely back into life!
Over the next few days more and more vitality came into my entire being. At some point a doctor informed me that, if I was lucky, I could climb into a wheelchair by myself in about six months. Well, in the fifth week I took my first steps walking (with assistance).
Once back home, my mind was asked to manage many mundane things, and with this my inner peace temporarily got lost a bit. What comforts me though, is that despite the uncertainty about whether I can ever walk freely and drive a car again, I never ponder about it. I just Am. Every day.
Yes, it is my heart’s desire to have strong legs again and not feel so exhausted all the time, for my life is definitely different now in many ways. The creator that I am has made this choice clearly, so now I live my life in patience and trust that all is well – now and later!
Jessie Jandt discovered Crimson Circle in 2000. She lives in Germany and is a certified teacher for the Sexual Energies and DreamWalker Death schools. She can be contacted at: [email protected] resp.