It was in the middle of June. I was laying in my bed listening to the “Breath of the I Am” music when I felt the presence of the Dragon gently landing on my chest and curling up into a ball. She likes to transmute her scales into the softest fur so I can ‘pet’ her. Communing like that, I invited her to dive gentle but deep, as far as she could, because I felt ready. She looked at me – her wonderful crystal eyes a bit sleepy – and nodded softly.
A few minutes later, reflecting on my latest activities, creative ideas, teaching/sharing ideas, even sharing with Shaumbra on Facebook, I noticed a peculiar scent in all of that. It was not a very pleasant aroma; in fact, it had a hint of something putrid. “What is it?” I wondered, unable to identify it straight away.
Suddenly, a recent conversation with my mom came to my awareness. She had asked me about the meaning of it all, of life, and what will happen after the ‘Enlightenment.’ Here is what I told her:
Every action the human ever does, whether consciously or not, is directed to either gain a certain experience or avoid a certain experience, without exception. And most of the time it manifests as a hidden agenda.
- I want to be a better person, the best version of myself. Why? Because somebody once told me I’m much inferior to my sister and I will prove them all wrong.
- I want to make the world a better place. Why? Because fame and acknowledgment from others fills in the void I constantly feel inside.
- I love to care about others! Why? Because I’m so scared to be alone and finally feel who I really am and all the pain I was avoiding.
- Etc. etc., the list goes on endlessly.
Of course, all those noble intentions are real, but they’re always accompanied by the hidden agendas, and the human can often be completely unaware of them. After ‘Enlightenment,’ it all goes away; you will live, create, help, and support just for the joy of it all. You will become a Free Creator who is implicitly true, genuine, sincere, and has no hidden agenda whatsoever.
Remembering that conversation and looking at myself through the prism of all those answers allowed me to identify the origin of that rotten scent. What I saw was hideous – a gnarly, sticky, slimy, gluttonous, horrible, obese monster with hundreds of mouths and tentacles; moving its ugly limbs, squeaking, clenching the teeth, chewing, drooling, chomping, slurping, sitting in its own saliva and piss. And I could clearly see how a mouth and a pair of its tentacles were attached to literally everything I do.
Intrigued, I approached closer to see what it was munching on. The smell was getting unbearable, but I was finally able to see its prey. The monster was gobbling up all the ‘likes’ and comments on my sharings, rolling in the saliva filled with appreciation, praise, adoration, affection. In between all the chomping I could ‘hear’ him muttering with his many mouths, like an infernal choir.
“Look what I’ve written this month! I’m so wise! Look at the response!! I need more of this! I need to expand my audience, yessshhhhh!!”
“1000 Realized Masters this s-s-summer? I surely will be amongst them!!”
“I’m the sweetest s-s-son ever! Look what I’m creating for my dad’s birthday, he will be stunned! My whole family will be stunned! They’ll finally behold my talent and how conscious I am!!”
“My friend just released his book? Well-l-l-l... It’s not that bad, but wait until I’ll write mine!!”
“Oh, and all the people following me on social media? Yummm-m-m-my!”
It was me. Me. Well, a part of me, but gosh, what a monstrosity!
I’m not saying I was doing everything only from twisted motivation, no! I love writing, I adore sharing and seeing people’s genuine responses, seeing how it clicks and moves them, how it reveals them something about themselves. I absolutely adore my dad – one of the finest men I’ve ever known. But that monster was always present in the background, like a shadow on a hunt and now, finally, I was able to see it with clarity.
I started to cry and cry, realizing how my actions, motives, aspirations, desires, ideas were all partly false, fake, twisted, perverted, rotten, insincere; realizing how I was fooling myself, you, and everybody else.
I could clearly see how jealous I was, even with my closest friends. I could never be 100% genuinely happy for them, because that monster would always whisper in my ear, “But you can do better than them!” I couldn’t really work in teams, even a team of good friends, because when the idea or creative concept wasn’t mine, I couldn’t enjoy it. The monster would hideously whisper, “Your ideas are so much better!”
I felt that I had to manifest only my own vision, my own ideas, and it must be done all by myself. That way, when it›s ready and released to the world, everybody will be just blown away how magnificent and creative I am.
Wow! Just wow. I felt like an absolute imposter, a fake, a fraud, a fucking joke.
How was that monster created? I felt into it and realized that it was a conglomerate of aspects connected by the wound of diminished self-worth, resentment, and the desire to prove my own significance to others. Going through these aspects one by one – each face, each mouth, each set of tentacles – would be impossible, so the Dragon created this representation, a ‘lovely bundle’ to help me release it all at once.
It took me more than a month to go through all the stages of grief that came up. I even tried to unsee all of that hideousness but, duh, there was no way back.
When I finally arrived at the stage of acceptance, I suspended all my ideas and projects related to sharing my Self and my creations with the world, because I felt that it would be pure sacrilege and blasphemy to allow that monster to feed off of something so near and dear to me. All those realizations were really deep, but even then, I could feel the presence of a hidden deeper layer. So, I let it simmer for a while until, at last, I finally felt it.
The monster had even put his tentacles into the most sacred of all my relationships: me with Me.
When I was listening to I Am Abundance, I heard again how the I Am is constantly gifting the human with everything he needs, via his own energy. When I heard that the human doesn’t have to do anything other than just receive those gifts, with my new awareness I could sense the monster waking up and whispering with his awful gurgling voice:
“No, no, no. It has-s-s to be you! You have to create something, invent something so gorgeous that everybody, even your I Am, will admit how smart and meticulous you are, how conscious and creative you are, how needed and worthy-y-y of Realization you are!
Do not just accept some random inheritance of millions that can fall on you out of the blue. That’s so lame! What are you, a beggar? Or a spoiled and helpless offspring of wealthy parents?! Why do you want it to be handed over to you on a plate? You, the human, you have to be the creator, the center of it all-l-l-l!”
I have finally clearly seen how my wounded human’s arrogance built a wall between me and my True Self. I was blatantly refusing to fully receive the gifts and forgiveness of the I Am because I wanted to make it all myself, to prove that me – the human – can create abundance, realizations, projects, relationships, etc. And all I was really doing was feeding that pitiful monster.
I’d receive a tiny bit of my energy so I could take it and create something out of it, manage it, ‘invest’ it, rearrange it, creatively manipulate it, double it, triple it – all so I could impress everybody around, including my True Self. I was like a fucking broker for my I Am!
What stupidity, what a waste, when everything already exists inside my energy, and all I needed to do is to receive it. But you see, receiving when you don’t really feel worthy of it just as you are, is not very possible.
Then, in the August Shoud, when I heard the story about sandcastles and the human ego endlessly building them, I finally felt that this whole story is coming to an end.
Two weeks later I was reviewing the I Am Abundance translation, which is a pretty deep process, and got an interesting insight into the nature of Allowing. When you are invited to bring your Future Realized Self into the Now, it means that suddenly you will have literally everything you ever wanted – Realization, freedom, abundance, money, health, creative expression, relationships, etc.
Give yourself a few moments to feel that; when you already have everything, you don’t have to do anything other than to enjoy it all.
No more aspects to release.
No more dragon digging up your shit.
No more figuring out what to do next to get Realized.
No more trying to be worthy of Realization.
No more choices to make.
No more worries or doubts holding you back.
No projects to start or finish.
No money to earn.
No desires to fulfil.
No relationships to crave.
No body to heal.
How do you really feel imagining that? Would your human be happy if that would literally happen tomorrow or is there a bit of resistance? Is there something like, “Yes, that would be so great, finally!! But, give me a second, I still need to…”
My human ego was still rebelling. It was refusing to fully receive all that, because “I” wanted to make it all myself, to prove to everyone, including myself and my soul that I can create abundance, cool projects, that I am worthy of Realization. AND at the same time, there was this really irrational and dumb fear of extinction – “What if my I Am finally arrives and I will just dissolve into nothingness? If I keep doing something, if I show that I am needed or at least useful, it might decide to spare me.”
If all I can do is receive everything from the future where it is already created by someone else (even if it’s my future self), without exerting my human skills, talents and smart mind, then what is my role in all of this? Am I just a vessel, a ‘shell body’ of sorts?
Well… it turns out that my role is truly to allow and receive all of that. And being able to do that is the toughest thing but also the highest badge of honor for a human. And that fear of dissolving into the no-self consciousness? It’s going away.
My new state of having no more secrets, no shame, being transparent in front of other humans gives a beautiful insight into how the human will co-exist with the I Am. When I’m open and ready to allow anybody to gaze inside me at any moment, when the notion of privacy goes away because I don’t need to hide parts of myself anymore, then I can grasp how it is to be a part-of-the-whole, one of many ANDs, one of many facets of the beautiful shimmering crystal that We Are.
I’ve been hearing all this over and over for about 12 years, but it never truly landed for me before: Would I be okay to just receive it all as the greatest gift and not do anything to create it or even to deserve it?
It’s like allowing the flower to blossom or the sun to set. Do you have to do anything to allow it to blossom? No! You just allow the natural process to happen. You do not try to open the petals yourself. You do not shake the flower to wake it up. You do not invent any special devices and techniques to accelerate the process. You do not stare at it all day and night waiting for it to open. You just know it will, at its own perfect pace. You do not interfere, you allow.
Allowing is not an active thing; it is a passive process. I allow something to happen. I allow it to come into my Now. It is giving up the ego with all its tricks and the compulsive desire to keep doing something. It is full and complete surrender.
In these recent weeks it has become almost a ritual for me: I feel something rising up within, stirred by the Dragon; I give it time to sink in and to realize it deeply; and whenever I feel ready to integrate it, I share the story. Because I am able to share, it means I am not ashamed of that part of my Self anymore and it is melding into the I Am.
So, yes, I wish a deep and sincere Namaste to all of you.
Nazar finds tremendous joy in spontaneous sharing of his experiences and the wisdom that is born out of them. Since 2010, he also enjoys expressing himself as a translator, especially for words and energies of Tobias, Adamus, and Kuthumi. He can be reached via Facebook or email.