For a long time, I tried to hold my dragon back, fearing that if the dragon burns away my old human identity, I would lose the sense of Love. Luckily for me, the dragon didn’t wait for my permission.
The sense of Love was the most beautiful gift I gave myself. I was so passionate about love that I chose to experience it from every possible angle, to study each shade of love that exists on this crazy planet. It’s as if my angelic profession and mission for incarnating here on Earth was to research love, so I wasn’t going to give it up easily.
However, something happened in my quest to dive deep into the sense of love: I got trapped in the experiences of human love and forgot my own freedom; my addiction to love had become my crystal prison.
Perhaps it’s not surprising then that my dragon tended to take the shape of a lover. For example, in my early twenties (before I discovered the Crimson Circle) I ended up in a physically abusive relationship. Looking back, I now see that experience as my dragon forcing me to be brutally honest about my lack of self-love. Of course, I cursed the dragon and asked if there wasn’t a gentler way of directing me onto the path of self-love. Why did it need to be so violent? Apparently the dragon had tried subtler approaches, but I had held onto my addictions very tenaciously. It took me another few relationships to get the importance of allowing: When I allow the dragon to burn away my attachment to anything that isn’t authentically aligned with my truth, the process is quite graceful. It’s only when I resist the flames that it becomes ruthless.
In more recent years, the dragon has re-surfaced many times, again through relationships. Intellectually I got what Adamus meant when he talked about the difference between emotions and feelings, but when it came to practical application, I still found myself entangled in emotions – I was still addicted to the human experience. When I heard realized Masters or spiritual teachers talk about how there are no emotions after realization, I thought: What’s the point of being embodied if you’re not going to allow the human to experience its humanness?!
It caused my mind a lot of headaches, especially since I was hearing many different messages: “Allow your anger.” “Don’t identify with your emotions.” “Emotions are human.” “We are in the AND.” “Release your human identity...” All of it seemed highly contradictory and confusing. Again, my old commitment to the sense of Love showed up: I was sure that if I let go of human emotions, I would lose my sense of Love. I simply couldn’t imagine love beyond emotions. At least, my mind couldn’t...
My dragon conveniently cleared the confusion by burning down my human ego and showing the fragility of emotions. Slowly I discovered the thin – but deep – line between emotions and feelings. For example, if some external situation occurred that caused a reaction of anger, I realized that I can either start identifying with the emotion, defending my right to feel anger, analyzing why I’m feeling anger, and be overwhelmed by the neurochemical wave surging through me. Or, in a subtle but significant difference, instead of trying to control the emotion or letting it control me, I can just let it burn through me until it naturally transmutes and evaporates like smoke. The biggest challenge in that moment is to not interfere with the allowing. Part of the dragon’s alchemy is transmuting emotions into clear feelings. The defining difference between emotions and feelings seems to be that feelings are pure experiences that don’t interfere with my sense of who I am. But as soon as I use the feeling to define my identity, it gets distorted by the mind and turns into an emotion.
To my utter surprise, I found that it’s possible to feel the sense of Love sans emotions or attachment to the human identity! What I’m experiencing now is a free sense of Love, one without the element of suffering, and it feels like the most natural thing in the world. I logically assumed that love requires polarity, since it was first created from the polarity of Earth. I thought that if the pain of love is lost, then the depth, beauty, richness, and intensity of love are also lost. Fortunately, I was wrong.
This new sense of love doesn’t feed the human identity, doesn’t protect the fragile mind, doesn’t defend the emotions. It simply radiates openly and authentically, without fear or limitations. It is intense without being tense. It is deep without being dramatic. It is passionate without being polarized. And it’s still deliciously sensual and intimate! Thank God(self) for the dragon who burned down my attachments, again and again, despite my human’s shattering fear and loud screams of protest. If it weren’t for the dragon, I would never have dared to look within me for the free – and true – sense of Love.
Kim is a writer, a new energy psychologist in training and an actor of life. You can contact her through her website: www.kimseppala.com. Her first book, Getting Real About Enlightenment, was largely inspired by Shaumbra, and can be ordered from Amazon or Alibris.