I have a vivid memory of standing on the historic green of the ivy league college where I was a student at 20 years old. Feeling anxiety and doubt about finding meaning and fulfillment at college I said to myself, will there ever come a time when I will express myself authentically? Will I ever again act spontaneously? Can I be free to be myself? Is freedom even possible?
I’m delightfully sleepy this morning – one yawn after another. When a horse releases tension she will yawn continuously. That’s what I’m doing now. I’m not sure if it’s the re-booting of consciousness or the edibles I ate before I went to bed last night, but I slept better than I usually do. This isn’t typical. Most mornings, I feel anxiety and despair, lost and alone. I’ve written about this despair ad nauseum in the pages of my “book.” I run to my mind hoping to find answers there – something I might do, some action I might take to feel better.
Few if any of my actions are spontaneous; they are instead derived from my mind to compensate for lack, limitation, fear and separation. And so, this morning I must ask the very same question I asked myself 45 years ago. Can I really be free just to be me?
The answer to my question is yes. I am free when I realize I am. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, the ruby slippers have been on my feet all along. I just didn’t realize it. And I had too many old aspects hanging around assuring me that my experiences on the Yellow Brick Road were “real” and I had better fear them. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
The truth is there was never anything wrong. There was nothing to fear or fix, and no need for a wizard to save me. It was only an act of consciousness. And while it may have been a very convincing act, that’s all it really was, an act. My own crazy act of consciousness and creation. I had chosen to forget myself so in the end I would remember who
I am. Simple.
It’s time to remember and make the choice to walk my talk, to observe my old act with compassion and without judgment, to allow my realization. Several years ago, Adamus came to me in a dream and said, “Go to the root.” At the time I was listening to Ancestral Freedom and while I understood the power and truth of the message, I was unable to embody freedom. I continued to identify with the energies of old consciousness, wrestling with my despair, looking for answers outside of myself.
Jesus taught about changing lineages. “Your roots are rotten,” he said. “Graft yourself onto me, I am the Tree of Life.” There is not one human lineage that can save us. In fact, as both Tobias and Adamus have taught, we created human lineages only to carry us through the experience of separation – the Journey of the Angels.
A shift in consciousness is not – and could never be – found in any action taken in fear and limitation, in old energy. By definition it is impossible to cling to the old and enter the new. One simply allows herself to be, letting herself off the hook of old energy alliances. She no longer filters every thought and action through limited consciousness, recreating old energy stories. She is no longer a slave, stuck in the self-fulfilling beliefs of her old consciousness. She knows all energy is hers, and she takes the leap off the cliff of all she has known herself to be. In that moment she is free. She is realized.
Everything begins to shift. The Merlin, the I Am come into awareness. My compulsion to “try” to get it right, to “try” to find abundance, to “try” to become enlightened is no longer needed. The old consciousness I knew so well has become obsolete. Because I am free of the awareness of incompleteness, there is no action needed to resolve my perceived “incompleteness.” This is freedom. My natural state of ease and grace is realized within me, and that state is then reflected “outside” of me as well. As within so without. As above so below.
As simple as it really is, the road to get here has not been an easy one. Shortly after that day on the college green when I asked myself if I would ever be free, I decided to leave college. I walked away. My family and friends thought I was crazy, really crazy. Having just turned 21 I was legally an adult, but my parents managed to get the New York State courts to issue a conservatorship stating that I was not capable of looking after my own affairs and giving them legal authority over me.
At the time I was living at a seminary in upstate New York. The police arrived with the conservatorship to take me into custody. When I realized what was happening, I escaped through the back of the building and hid in an old garbage truck. When they were unable to find me, the police left – but not before arresting the head of the seminary and throwing him in jail on contempt charges.
Soon after that I found a lawyer from the American Civil Liberties Union to represent me in court. The case would determine whether I was crazy or not, whether I was free to live as I chose. I appeared before the grand jury in the New York state’s Supreme Court and somehow convinced them I wasn’t crazy. I won my case – and my freedom. That was 44 years ago this spring. What I could not have known at the time of my victory in court was that I still had a very long way to go before I could truly claim my freedom.
Recently, Adamus told us that this lifetime has been by far our most difficult lifetime. I’m always comforted when he mentions that what we are doing here isn’t easy. Several times he has said that a Shaumbra “left” because it was just too hard. I get it. Walking the path of freedom has been the most difficult thing I have ever done, probably in any lifetime. In fact, it has been harder than hell. And even though I am not – and never have been – alone, no one can face my demons for me. No wonder the angels cry.
And yet here we are. Consciousness is finally re-booting and I’m beginning to see more clearly now. I understand that while walking this heart-breaking path I have also been in service. In confronting my demons of fear, unworthiness, bitterness, despair and loneliness, I have served.
Now on the threshold of “new consciousness” we can do what we came here to do – walk as embodied Merlins, not only setting ourselves free but leading the way for others as well, showing that it is possible. Freedom IS possible. Adamus calls it the “new standard,” and from the new standard comes new potentials.
Easy? No. But we are here now, each one of us with our own crazy and unique story of stepping into freedom and coming home. As Adamus explains – and as each of us knows – freedom and suffering cannot coexist. To give up my suffering – the pain and hardship of the journey – seems like a tall order. But I know I can’t have the freedom my heart desires until I do. I’m ready to reset.
In the final scene of The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy despairs of ever finding her way back home to Kansas. The wizard who has promised to take her home in his balloon has drifted away without her, and Dorothy has lost all hope. At that moment, a golden ball of light appears on the horizon and floats toward Dorothy and her dear companions – the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion. Glinda, the good witch, magically materializes and asks Dorothy what’s wrong.
Dorothy explains that now that the wizard has left without her, she will never be able to return home. Glinda laughs and tells her that the ruby slippers have the power to take her home anytime she’s ready. Dorothy and her friends are amazed to hear this, but the Scarecrow becomes indignant. He confronts Glinda, “Why didn’t you tell her before now?”
Again, Glinda laughs. “If I had told her before now, she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.”
The Scarecrow turns to Dorothy and asks, “Dorothy, what have you learned on your journey?”
Dorothy replies, “If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.”
Glinda looks kindly at Dorothy and says, “That’s all it is. Now you can return home whenever you please. All you need to do is click your heels and repeat, ‘There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.’”
Dorothy clicks the heels of her magical ruby slippers and in that moment her consciousness is reset. She awakens to find herself back in her bedroom in the Kansas farmhouse where she grew up. Her family and friends are there to greet her and welcome her home. She is amazed to see their faces and she recognizes that each one has played a role in her very real dream of Oz.
Like Dorothy I am bringing all my stories home now. Here I find, finally, what I have been searching for throughout my own human story – the fulfillment of my heart’s desire to come Home. Thank you to all of us for embarking on this strange and wonderful journey.
Chris live near Bozeman, Montana where she enjoys the wide-open spaces of Big Sky country, writes almost every day and occasionally teaches yoga. She says, “If you ever find yourself in my neighborhood, please let me know. I would love to connect.” Chris can be contacted via email.