About two years ago I decided to go scuba diving. The silence, the beauty, the transparence of the sea has always fascinated me. Little did I know that wearing goggles that cover the eyes and nose, together with tanks on my back and a tube in my mouth, weights on my waist and fins on my feet, all for the first time, would be a rather cumbersome experience, to say the least. On top of all of this I was then expected to fall backwards into the water, breathe through the mouth tube only – and immediately feel comfortable enough to go straight down to the bottom of the sea a few meters below.
I needed time to get accustomed to it all so that I could trust how I felt and then go down. However, the instructor I was with thought it was all very simple and after just a few minutes on the surface for me to practice breathing into the mouth piece, decided it was time to start going down. I didn’t feel ready. He didn’t feel patient. Either I went down or out of the water into the boat. Needless to say I went into the boat. I was not about to be pressured to trust. I needed to fall into trust in my own time and, no matter how much I wanted to experience the bottom of the sea, I would not force myself down just for the urgency of the moment.
The instructor, of course, having over 40 years’ experience doing this – he almost had fins himself – could not fathom why anyone could not immediately feel safe enough to dive, especially with his extremely competent guidance. I understand his point of view entirely, but I also know that forcing trust with a new experience is a sure way to create resistance; and resistance is a sure way to create the opposite – mistrust – and hence a stuck aspect!
And why I am writing about this?
Picture your aspects. The stickiest ones. The ones you’re fed up with and have said time and again you don’t want anymore. The ones you want to get rid of right now. The ones that always get in the way of your new choices. The ones that you want to accept but argue with instead. The ones that make you angry and frustrated at yourself. The ones you have told over and over that it is safe for them to come back Home, that you no longer need them, that you are capable of going your own new way now.
Now picture me floundering in all that scuba gear. As much as I wanted to experience the bottom of the sea, having made that clear choice and sure I was ready, when I was right in the midst of the experience I realized I needed more time. I needed to go slowly. I wanted to do it and knew I could, but it had to be at my own pace, gradually allowing the trust until it took precedence and I could surrender.
This is very much like what goes on between us and our aspects. It is one thing to decide we are ready to let go of some old habit and create a new path; it is something else for these aspects to feel our complete trust in this, and still another for them to trust that dive into our Essence for it is unknown. It is enticing, it is brilliant, it seems safe, and yet the more we try to force ourselves to integrate, the further away we get from integration.
Even as we are busy trying to force things to change, our mind/personality finds ways to disrupt the process. We hardly even notice as aspects recreate themselves in an effort to continue their existence, bringing a twist in their favor, becoming a little bit more like what we want ourselves to be, but still having the overlays that we have been fighting against so much. When we are not paying attention, not bringing consciousness to our consciousness, they sneak in unnoticed.
Here is the solution I have found: choose firmly. Trust your choice. Let go of the arm wrestling. Walk on. Enjoy your life. And most of all, be compassionately patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself, be thankful, knowing that your choice is already realized. It is quantum physics; you are simply experiencing the steps to its realization just because in 3D, everything is in slow motion.
I remember having chosen and chosen and chosen again to let go of a “game” I learnt to play with bank loans and credit cards. The aspect I had created to keep my head above water in the midst of huge financial blunders was proficient and never ever let me down. But it became terribly tiring trying to just stay afloat. I had had enough of it. I felt it was sucking the life force out of me and I could take it no longer. Yet no amount of saying “Enough!” did the trick. I first had to let go. I had to go about my life, accepting this situation as I accepted everything else. I had to enjoy my life and trust that this too was already resolved, even not knowing when or how. It took two years from my firm decision to the solution, with several solutions along the way, and I am still watching the rest of it disappear. But I am finally in absolute trust. I know it is over. All of it.
An aspect coming back Home and integrating is one thing; the effect this has on our reality is another. Both are quantum, the integration and the effect. However, the way the effect presents itself has its own rhythm. The more we accept this, the easier it is to live in joy, regardless of the apparent lapse between quantum and physical.
This has been my lesson of patience – compassionate patience – and trust. It has been learning to dance with the life that is here and now, accepting what is, as it is. I am gracefully thankful, even though I still haven’t visited the bottom of the ocean. There is no doubt that one day I will bring into my reality a scuba diving instructor who is so compassionately patient that I can take all the time I need, and finally breathe myself into being a goggled creature of the sea at last.
Tania develops creative projects in education and also facilitates Integration Workshops and Individual Sessions through her InPassion Coaching project. She is trained as a Crimson Circle and New Breath Teacher and shares her passion of writing on her blog, InPassionPublications.