In the last couple of days, the word “accountability” has been coming to me, which beautifully brings together the wisdom of the last four months.
At the end of February, I suddenly felt the strong need to disappear. This was not an invite to take my foot off the gas for a while; rather it felt like a death warning. Things were going quite well at the time; I was enjoying my daytime job very much, my contributions within the Crimson Circle group on Facebook were being valued both privately and publicly, my husband and I were stronger than ever. Even my online adventure “Evoking Grace” had started to gain the attention and interest I had hoped for.
It was actually at the end of a session with a client that I felt as if my heart had been squeezed by very strong hands, and from there on it all went downhill. What I got to see about myself and my creations during the coming months often left me breathless, confused, and mortified. Most of all, it left me in awe of the gracious way life seems to unfold even when everything falls apart.
Admittedly, I had been running on low for a while, struggling to feel rested and generally well within myself. I often came away from online client sessions feeling depleted and unsettled. It was only when I went to sit in the quiet of the most ancient church here in London, that I heard a voice echoing in my head: “You cannot recharge if you don’t release.” I knew instantly that the moment had come for me to release the story I had been telling my whole life and which was slowly killing me.
I honestly thought I was ready for it. Feeling strong with my own wisdom, that of my Shaumbra companions, and everything I had learnt through Adamus in the last two years, I just thought “Oh well, if my dragon friend is here, let me dress up for the occasion.” Nothing could have prepared me for the brutal way events unfolded from that moment on.
Within a week, I got myself in trouble at work and became rather unpopular; I saw a woman lying dead on the pavement right in the middle of a traffic jam; my neck completely froze, and I managed to create not one but two cancer scares at the same time. Within the space of a few days, Miss Popularity, the girl who has wise words for any troubled soul, who always finds the smile through the tears, had nothing left to give.
I remember going back to the spot where I saw the dead woman and just stood there, knowing I was done with life. And this was not another little tantrum I could then go write about in the CC forum only to have my wise Shaumbra pals saving the day for me. This was a proper declaration of surrender to a world I simply no longer wished to be part of. I did not care about the amazing husband nor the beautiful dog; did not care about the lovely life we share together. I just wanted to go before I’d inevitably lose both, only to be left alone in this unforgiving world.
I started to see how the “mal de vivre” was nothing new. In fact, it had been with me forever. This ache that grips your heart and never loosens its hold sounds rather romantic in French, but in reality, it often leaves you with nothing to give. It was then that I clearly saw how I never truly gave myself to anyone, not even the man I love. It felt like I did not have enough to spare for the world because something else was eating up all my good stuff.
At the time, however, all this awareness was still very blurry within myself and it was not easy to attend to everyday life while so much was gestating way deep inside of me. One sunny morning I reluctantly made my way to the hospital for my biopsies. I kept playing different scenarios in my head, just in case the doctors shared news that no one wants to hear.
But the truth is, I did not care. Truly. Actually, I wanted it to be cancer.
Yes, I did. And while this was rather disturbing to admit even to myself, it was too big and too in-my-face to simply turn a blind eye. Why does someone like me hope for an illness? What was really going on?
That day I was told that a mole on my face was likely to be a carcinoma (oh yeah, this girl used to love a bit of sun once upon a time) and a colposcopy revealed an abnormal presence of carcinogenic cells and PV (Papilloma Virus) in my cervix. Doctors hoped for the best but told me to prepare for the unexpected.
How did I get here? The following weeks I got into proper survival mode: get up, get to work, hate the world, go to bed. Repeat.
One day though, while lying on the floor as the light filtering through the windows covered me like a soft blanket, I saw myself standing by a well. A very deep, tranquil well. The quiet of this place was both familiar and very much needed. As I dived into the still, crimson waters, I felt enveloped by a warmth and comfort never known before. I knew I was in my own womb, and as I kept on swimming, I heard a soft whisper echoing all around the cozy chamber: “Come, come and be. Come, come and rest with me.”
I suddenly felt so very tired. I started to cry. I saw the women from my mum’s side of the family, generation after generation, all standing by that well, all seeking to be freed at last. Each one of them had been under an evil spell that had forced them to impose themselves onto one another. I saw how I had spent my entire life hoping to get respect and admiration from my mum and my sisters. Everything I had done up to that point, especially my wish to support others in their inner growth through Evoking Grace, had merely been an attempt to hear “Bravo!” out loud.
Seeking this approval had become such an obsession I lost both the joy of living and ignored the constant stream of love and support from other people. I see now that I actually never truly cared about them, for in the end I was only interested in my family’s praise. All the good wishes and appreciation about my work went unnoticed because it never came from my family. Sad, very sad I know.
And I suddenly saw how, good almighty Universe (yes, my lovely Soul in disguise) one day got so fed up with my makyo that, out of utter love, asked: “Girl, are you sure you really want to support others to go back to all that they are?”
“Oh yeah, beloved Universe, I do. I definitely do. I am 100% all for love and only love,” I kept on saying, truly believing my own BS.
“Are you sure, sweet girl? For your words feel heavy and empty, and what you seek will never come to be. That is my promise to you, for I love you so, my child.”
Over the coming weeks these words kept coming to me, and I found myself in a bit of predicament when my mum decided to visit. I had not seen her in two years, I was exhausted and weary, and I truly was not looking forward to this reunion. Things can suddenly turn explosive in our family for reasons no one seems to quite understand or be able to solve.
Trying to embrace myself for yet another challenge, overwhelmed by resentment and ill feelings towards my mum and sisters for all the times I felt let down and betrayed by them, there I was sitting alone, mascara running down my face, feeling a big hole in my heart. Suddenly, I saw some lights hovering around me and knew right away they were my family’s souls.
What a love I felt. What a gratitude, and what a joy. These souls, these bright and shining souls, had come back yet again to show me the goodness hidden in all the darkness I felt and feared. I heard, “Some of us don’t get to be born into families where our light can freely shine. Our only mission in this life, then, is to go out there and help others see their own light, within their own darkness.”
In that moment, everything stopped, and I saw what I could never see before. I never came here so I could help others make their life perfect and show my family how amazing I am at doing that. I never even came so they could admire me and respect me. Far from it, in fact.
I came so others could see that their light never ever dims. Not even in the dark. I came to help them see how that quiet darkness is the guardian of so much goodness and promise, and that once we befriend our own darkness as much as our splendid light, we no longer need any praise or reassurance. Of course, the only way to do this was to live it out myself, because I am accountable for all that I am.
This last week has been rather interesting, feeling like a wonderful way to wrap up the last four months. New clients have come through, work is busy and exciting, my husband and pup are just as lovely as ever. Now, drinking my wine, I think of my mother in this lifetime, the incredible soul she is, and the arduous path she has chosen for herself. I am grateful, so very, very grateful. Because, while she may never, ever be able to see my light, I can see hers and that is all it matters. And I am truly determined to always see this, even when it sucks, and even when our humanness feels unbearable.
That is all I came for – to Evoke Grace within the messiness of life.
I finally caught up with the Shouds and the DreamWalk into Darkness was so welcomed and loved. I felt at home there in the vast void yet to be explored. My health is on the mend (I can move my neck again after many sleepless nights and my biopsies came back all clear), and once again have a genuine appreciation for a life I had stopped loving. I feel free.
While this is both new and strange to even admit, I cannot help thinking how wonderful that my good old friend Universe saw through all my makyo and made me accountable for all my creations. How cool is that, right? It’s like I get a second chance at it all, and this time I’m going to make damn sure I enjoy every bit of it.
Antonia lives in London UK and is an “Energy Intuitive” & founder of Evoking Grace, an online sacred space designed to inspire you to thrive & live a happier life. She has created a very unique approach which combines intuitive skills, timeless wisdom, and practical tools to help you identify hidden dynamics which stop you from living well and truly enjoy yourself. Her offerings and writings can be found on Evoking Grace, Facebook, Instagram.