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Kuthumi’s tired old joke – “On the way to ascension I lost everything” – will probably be funny all over again… one day. But in the meantime, I’d rather quote my dear Mark Twain: “Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.”

I used to be smart. I even had the paperwork to prove it. But lately it seems that SMART means So-called Master Acting Really Thick. Is it just me, or are we all going bloody bonkers? For instance, the other day I found myself out in the garage banging random metal things together. My daughter’s face appeared at the door, “Mom…? What are you doing?”

“Um… trying to replicate a noise in my head.” A long stare, then she went back to her computer game. Nothing surprises her in this house anymore.

But really, this noise inside has been there as long as I can remember. When I heard it “on the outside,” it totally creeped me out, like nails on a chalk board. I remember actually avoiding things that sounded like that, although now I can’t remember what they were… Dismissing it as personal weirdness, this “bang hang-up” was banished to the back shelf of the mental closet. Until recently. During the May 2019 Shoud, when Adamus mentioned the banging noise of those headband installation procedures, I knew exactly what he was talking about. And now there I was in the garage, trying to recreate it even though I’d always feared it. You know, strap on, fly through? Now that I knew what it was about, maybe getting it on the outside of my head would remove it from the inside.

Turns out I wasn’t the only one hearing strange things. A couple days after the May Shoud, multiple people wondered about the banging sound they heard during Adamus’ merabh – and “Why did we take it out of the recording?” Well, it was NOT in the Shoud or merabh music; we didn’t take it out of the recording because it was never there to begin with. They heard it in their own head. Comforting, eh?

There’s a LOT of weirdness in my head these days. Noise, for instance. A couple weeks ago all the normal little sounds of the house worked themselves into a deafening roar until I couldn’t stand it another second. I went outside, put my bare feet on the ground and breathed – vigorously – and managed to stop the “What the hell is wrong with me THIS time?” line before it really got going. “Just enjoy the ride” my Master giggled. “Yah, easy for you to say,” my human fumed. Then we both settled in and just had the experience.

What else has gone wrong in my head? Well, I found my hairbrush in the refrigerator. Left a dish of butter melting on top of the oven. Filled a paper bag with bricks and stared in bafflement when it broke. (Yes, for realz.) Told my kid’s school counselor something about my “weird brain,” but shut up when a strange look flickered across his face. On the way to the Crimson Circle studio for a production, I literally looked at my phone more than 5 times to make sure I had the hour and day correct. Stared in shock at the crispy plant in my room – “I watered you 3 days ago, how can you be dead?!!” Was the watering can a dream? Then sometimes a snarky little voice inside says, “Come on, what’s your problem? People pay good money and risk jail time for this level of reality scrambling!”

WTF is wrong with me?? Oh wait, that’s the wrong question. Every question brings its answer, don’t think I want another round of that one. Delete, delete. Try again.

WTF is going on with me? Oh right, Adamus provided that answer a few weeks ago. We’re breaking out of patterns. And the mind, our most excellent Pattern Expert, is being reduced to rubble. Or perhaps it’s just trying to figure out its role as our Lovely Assistant. Whatever, it’s not a smooth transition!

I was aware of a few others also experiencing weirdness, but I wanted to know more. So, I put out a query to Shaumbra on Facebook – “Anything weird going on with you lately?” The answers confirmed my suspicions (hopes?) that a LOT of us are going through this mental jumbling. It’s good to know I’m not alone in my nuttiness. In fact, it actually felt good to laugh at – I mean with – my fellow pioneers into the Wild and Wacky Unknown.

Since it might make you feel better too, here’s a small sampling of what our fellow compadres have been experiencing (true comments, slightly distilled):

 • Feeling empty. Feeling full. At the same time
 • Sleep… what’s that again?
 • Computers, electronics – and emotions – crashing… completely unrelated of course
 • Eyesight and vision changes – getting worse, suddenly better, look, new colors!
 • Reaching for the toothbrush and picking up the coffee
 • Patience? Not today
 • Can’t remember how talking works, particularly in native tongue
 • Unable to determine current location in time/space/planet
 • Yesterday, tomorrow, appointments, time in general… huh?
 • Floating along as in a dream… wait, I’m behind the wheel, not in bed!
 • People don’t see or notice me; where did this invisibility cloak come from?
 • Being completely and utterly misunderstood – “That’s not even close to what I said!”
 • Instead of anesthesia for dental work, going to Angels Peak (like I said, nucking futs)
 • Dying in my dreams; keep waking up alive though
 • Dizziness, vertigo, sleeping at all hours
 • Surroundings start wobbling like Jello
 • Regular pauses to stabilize myself “here”
 • Lovely new relationship with someone who doesn’t speak my language; the problems go away because we can’t talk about them
 • Wake up to find the garden path, fence, shed, corner market, next apartment building have been rearranged/moved/recolored
 • Dreams with Adamus, Shaumbra, ancestors, other lifetimes
 • Physical pain, weirdness and random challenges
 • Reached to pick up a $5 bill and watched it morph into $20
 • Admin at my kid’s school “accidentally” called me God; slightly awkward… well, for her
 • Switching to another dimension in the middle of a conversation
 • Wait, how do I plug in this phone?
 • From agony to bliss – and back – in seconds
 • Disappearing reappearing belongings, gadgets, buildings
 • Sample size jar of beauty cream, used every day but never runs out
 • Veritable epidemic of CRS* syndrome
 • Muggle-cide... so tempting
 • Stopped for speeding, huge fine, not allowed to drive; go to pay, authorities declare neither my car nor ticket is in their system
 • Seeing the air, smelling and hearing energy
 • Water falling out of my eyes for no apparent reason
 • Companions: We’ve tried for 30 minutes, there are no taxis anywhere! Me: Feelthink “I need a taxi now” – poof – taxi van appears with enough seats for everyone
 • Spilled a whole bucket of white paint in the middle of town during a rain storm… light spreading everywhere!
 • Words… er, um, ddosogpph… huh?

(*CRS = Can’t Remember Shit)

Oh, and my favorite… in a toilet dream, someone pooped out their brain!

What to make of all this? There’s not much to do but laugh, allow and “enjoy” the experience, although it’s not always fun, funny or easy. Well, for the human anyway. Sometimes my human has a knot in her stomach. Sometimes she goes to bed and doesn’t sleep for hours. But the interesting thing is that the important – and even not so important – stuff actually flows quite smoothly. Regardless of how much I sleep (or don’t), there’s still plenty of energy for what I need to do. And if not, it gets done anyway… somehow.

Fortunately, we already have the tools to deal with this insanity: Breathe, trust, feel, stop asking “What’s wrong with me?” and ALLOW the experience ferchrissakes! The human – well, the ghost of my erstwhile mind – wants to fix the scramble, but it’s getting easier to remember to forget about that idea. It’s also getting easier to reassure my human when she’s on the verge of losing it over everything she’s lost.

In those moments, you’ll find me talking to myself… “My dear beloved, I know life is confusing and crazy these days. I know our mind is scrambled. I know people don’t understand you and sometimes you don’t even understand yourself. But I’m here with you now. I understand you completely. I feel everything you’re going through, and every bit of it is beautiful beyond words. My precious human me, feel my arms around you, feel my presence and my love. Trust me, this is a one-time thing. You’ll never go through such mayhem again, so relax and enjoy the last lap of this amazing rollercoaster. You’re always safe with me.”

And that’s when I stop worrying about being smart, because now I’m wise – Wildly Inspired, Simply Existing.

12 comments on "Nucking Futs"

  • Staci Rankin on May 31, 2020 6:42 PM said:
    ADORE the title! Thank you so so much for expressing that...and with such creativity and humor! When I get around to remembering how to setup my printer, I'd like to post this on my fridge. :)
  • himaewood on July 3, 2019 4:48 PM said:
    Oh my gosh. Jean thank you for everything in this column, loved it.
  • ROSANA VEIGA GUIMARAES on June 30, 2019 9:00 AM said:
    E assim é! Obrigada !
  • Viviana on June 29, 2019 2:18 PM said:
    Gracias Jean!!! simplemente hermoso. No estamos solos. Bendiciones.
  • Lucca on June 28, 2019 1:35 PM said:
    Hey Jean, i have been going through this experience since yesterday, and i feel great that i am not alone in this!
  • Jane Olsen on June 28, 2019 8:48 AM said:
    Thank you! It felt good to laugh and then felt like crying. Favorite part was ' human wanting to fix the scramble" so grateful to know there is no rush and no race!
  • Mabel on June 26, 2019 3:59 PM said:
    Gracias por tus maravillosos artículos, cada uno de ellos es una gran ayuda y cálida compañía en estos días. Bendiciones.
  • Людмила Нужная on June 24, 2019 5:34 PM said:
    Jean, thank you very much - I laughed to tears ... was relieved that I'm not the only one losing my mind ... It's great that we go together like Shaumbra.
  • Alandra on June 24, 2019 5:17 PM said:
    I stood in front of a lady for about 3 minutes at a counter waiting to buy a lottery ticket. She just kept reading her book. I said excuse me and she still kept reading her book. I toyed with the idea of simply walking away and knew that if I did she would never know that I had even been there. Instead I said excuse me even louder this time and she finally looked up to see me standing there.... lol.
  • Clementine on June 16, 2019 1:57 AM said:
    This was definitely comforting and a humorous read during this time of shifting from the mind. Thank you!
  • OM on June 11, 2019 10:55 AM said:
    Thank-you Jean, re-reading your excellent and honest article is keeping me sane - so needed, especially today. Good to know am not alone and in great company.
  • Claire on June 8, 2019 5:11 AM said:
    Anyone else dropping everything but able to make impossible catches with their left hand? (ok, right if you're left handed!)

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