My human “had a moment” recently, where she discovered one of the last missing pieces to her puzzle. This the story she wanted to tell.
Probably like many of us, I’ve been thinking a lot about Realization lately, my mind eternally ruminating on what it is, what it means, how it happens, what triggers it, if I’m stopping it, and so on. Of course, I want it very much; it’s what I’m here to do. But then the questions come: “Will Realization make my job – the other thing I’m here to do – more difficult?” “What will happen to my few remaining relationships?” “Should I be getting my earthly affairs in order in case I poof away?” It’s all a busy distraction that I mostly ignore, but sometimes a question comes up that wants a little more attention.
Spring is finally creeping in, and I recently spent most of a day cleaning house – vacuuming, mopping, scrubbing, scraping, washing, sorting, dusting. It was satisfying, but at the end of the day I was exhausted. Bedtime came early and the next morning I woke to a body full of aches and pains. More than a little grumpy, I found myself asking: Is THIS what I’m staying for? To feel like crap in a body that’s getting older and ever more confused about what it wants, devoted to taking care of a house where something always needs cleaned, fixed or updated? I’m staying for THIS?
Fair question, perhaps, but it was time to have a talk with myself and figure out what was really going on. Taking care of human stuff will always be part of life on Earth, after all, and bodies were never meant to be perfect. And, when I’m not fussing about it, I really am living a fine and fulfilling life, engaged with my passion in surroundings I love. But when the body hurts and the mind is tired and the human is fed up, the question comes: Is this worth staying for?
When “here” has things like bills and taxes, and “there” is total freedom; when “here” is one goodbye after another, and “there” is unending celebration; when “here” is a near-constant struggle to keep balance in the chaos, and “there” is peace, rest and release – do I really want to stay?
If Realization knocked on my door today, would I invite her in for a while? Or would I take her hand and slip off into the sunset?
The decision is mine alone, so I asked my Self some questions:
What will change?
It doesn’t matter.
How will I know it’s happened?
It doesn’t matter.
Will I be able to keep doing this job that I love?
It doesn’t matter.
What will be different in my life?
You’ll find out.
What if it turns out I can’t manage it?
That’s MY choice.
But I want to get it right. What should I be doing?
If something brings you joy, do it – and experience it fully. If not, then don’t. That’s all. Everything else will sort itself out.
This is what I’ve always wanted. It’s what I choose.
There was a little more to the conversation, but something dropped in. Yet again, I had been sloshing around in a very old, very unconscious victim vibe. In fact, you just heard its voice a few paragraphs above where “I” had nothing good to say about “here.” That voice has become so dang familiar – “I’ve just gotta hang in there, it’ll get better someday” or “Life is hard, but I’ll get through this” – and it’s served me well for a long time. It acknowledges life’s incurable difficulty, maybe adds in a little boost to keep me going, but never quite allows the freedom. And now, with the aches and pains of a grumpy morning, it was front and center. But then, another part of me stepped up, “No more! I am choosing this, ALL of it.”
Wait, I am? How do I know this stuff is what I’m choosing?
Because it’s in your life, knucklehead!
My Self is kinda wise, so I decided to try this out. Looking at the mountain of snow on the back porch waiting to be shoveled, there was that sigh of “Ugh, one more thing I’ve gotta do.”
“Wait, I’m choosing this.” Something relaxed inside. “I’ll shovel when I feel like it, but I am not a victim of the friggin’ weather!”
Damn, the cat puked on the floor again. “I am choosing this.”
Got a ton of tasks and work deadlines this week. “I am choosing this.”
Body feels so achy and blobby today. “I am choosing this.”
Car needs some work but I’m busy all week. “I am choosing this.”
Gosh, that was a pretty good lunch. “I am choosing this.”
I began to get a sense of what my Self really meant. I am choosing all of this. Therefore, I am not a victim to any of it and I don’t get to feel sorry for myself for any reason. Clearly, I DO get to take care of myself, decide what that means, enjoy anything I want to and revel in the sacred and mundane moments of life. But I do NOT get to whine about one bit of it, because I can always choose again!
Apparently, I’m a slow learner. Many years ago, teetering on the edge of a huge leap into the unknown, I got up at a Shoud and asked Tobias for advice. After I explained my situation, he said, “There’s a bit of victim energy going on and we’re going to call you on it right in front of this whole group, because it would have set up a very bad energy for you to carry with you.”
He talked about some new potentials that might come into my life and said, “But you do have to release the victim energies in order for this to happen. There can be no more victimhood as you pack your suitcase and move forward. It has been the one energy, more than any other, that has inhibited you.”
Since then, I’ve been determined to release 100% of this victim nonsense. So it was a little weird to be today-years-old when I finally got it that “I’m not even a victim to the mundane stuff of Earth because I am choosing this!” A slow learner perhaps, but persistent. Thank you, dragon, for bring this to my attention.
In truth, there are no real problems in my life. Everything is an experience to have, or not. Sure, there are tasks to be done, creations to dive into, people to (occasionally) interact with, but when I am choosing it all, it’s kind of hard to see anything actually wrong. It’s like having a car: You’ve got to add gas and get the oil changed and take care of the tires, but those are not problems; they come with the choice to have a car. Human stuff comes with the choice to be here on Earth.
My body still baffles me sometimes, but I’m choosing this. And part of “this” is this body. Sure, I could bug out, get a new one and reincarnate, but that’s way too much trouble. I chose this body for my Realization lifetime, and if that means I end up as a fat, gimpy Ascended Master, so be it. (Although I have a hunch that as I stop trying to “fix” it, my body-energy will serve me in a whole new way. Because – duh – until now energy has been serving me with a body that needs “fixing.” Like I said, slow learner.)
When I remind myself “I’m choosing this,” the victim vibe evaporates. In a difficult moment years ago, one of my most important epiphanies was “I created this.” Full stop. I knew it was true, but there was always a niggling sense that “Yeah, I created this, but I don’t really know how, and I sure didn’t do a very good job, so how do I fix it?” There’s an immediacy and realness to “I’m choosing this, in this very moment. Otherwise, it wouldn’t exist.” Accepting this creatorship means I can begin seeing how my energy has already been serving me flawlessly. It’s not about whether I got something right or wrong, it’s simply, “Do I wish to continue choosing this experience?” It’s entirely and only up to me. Life is the way it is because I’m choosing it. Period. End of confusion. Question answered. No blame, just acceptance. A gentle slide into allowing.
So, I’ve been using this a lot. Whether the toast is burnt, the dropped cup didn’t break, life is upheaving, my kitty’s snuggled up or the car has broken down, it’s comforting and calming to remember, “I’m choosing this.” New awareness bubbles to the surface, and I can see how there was never, ever a mistake. I’ve been choosing it all along.
How I love my human self. It seems she’s finally getting it.