One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside every one of us.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, conceit, sorrow, hatred, greed, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, inferiority, lies, pride, lust, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins? The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
To me, the most important element of this path of consciousness is going beyond just the exploration of interesting concepts and bringing them directly into practice in real life. It’s about bringing truth from the spiritual or even mental realms into one’s body, life and experience, but the effects of this embodiment hardly ever manifest as expected. It’s one thing to have a mental grasp of new and interesting ideas. It is quite another to experience them unfolding deep within your being.
A number of years ago (in The Alchemy of Light & Dark), I had the audacity to tell Adamus that I was fulfilled, complete, in need of nothing, and so “Now what?” Well, he kept his smirk to a minimum and kindly assured me that as soon as I declare something like that, aspects will start coming up to challenge my assertion, to see if I’m really for real. And he was right.
The thing about this journey is that the Soul demands complete integrity. I either have to walk the talk or I may as well stop talking. I either accept full responsibility for my experiences or I still play the victim. Self won’t let me have it both ways. So, when this foretold “aspect challenge” began rumbling, I had to pay attention. It came about in the form of conflict with another person, which triggered intense feelings of guilt, frustration, and anger. Even though, from the human perspective, none of what happened was my fault, it was time to dig in anyway and see why “I” had created this experience.
What ensued was me getting in touch with a very old, very strong, and very dark aspect of myself, a lifetime lived in ancient Egypt. It was one I had discovered a couple years earlier and wanted nothing to do with. She was horrible in every way I could imagine, and I rejected her completely. Of course, this meant I also rejected a part of myself, no matter what mental contortions I went through trying to get around that. So, in the interest of finally getting through this recurring issue once and for all, I gave her some space and let her into my awareness. It felt like letting a vicious psychopath into the most sacred, private part of my home. Even though I understood the theory that there was a treasure under all that slime, it was very difficult to feel the self-loathing and disgrace that shrouded any speck of wisdom this horrid part of me might bring.
Now, one of the inherent truths of aspects is that they exist within duality. This means that every aspect has its opposite, without exception, so you also get to deal with the counterpart of whatever you’re inviting home. Which meant that now I had another issue on my hands.
It was evening and I was doing lots breathing to help myself deal with the huge emotions rolling through me. I was determined to allow this long-rejected part to get used to the idea of coming home, when suddenly a very pious and noble warrior aspect popped up. Her entire existence had been dedicated to driving away the evil depravity of the other one, and fiercely rejecting anything that resembled it, and now she had something to say. “How dare you let her back? She is utterly deplorable; do you have any idea what she is capable of? How can you do this?”
The dark one, who had been quiet until that moment, shot back, “See? I knew it. You didn’t REALLY want me to come home. You don’t have the guts to deal with me.”
There it was, the battle of light and dark, raging right in the middle of me, neither side willing to give an inch. So, who wins? Which wolf do I feed? Which one do I starve?
The thing about a starving animal is that it gets even more vicious and more determined to do anything it must to survive. The same is true for any part of self that is rejected.
In your journey through the realms of Earth, you have done it all. You’ve embodied the saintliest qualities, lived the most heinous lifetimes, and everything in between. In order to understand consciousness, energy, and yourself, you had to explore all options. There was no mistake in this, but all those intense experiences have left their mark within you, and now you’d probably like to live forever in peace, love and light. You’ve had more than enough of the darkness and feel aghast at any shred of it left inside. But then again, there might also be times when you want nothing to do with airy-fairy goody-two-shoes nonsense. Maybe you try to bust the system at every opportunity, determined to never be taken in again, while other times you’d rather sit in the corner and not draw attention to yourself.
Either way, it’s a reaction to something you don’t want in your reality, which translates into rejection of something within yourself. To the extent that you reject and “starve” either the light or the dark, it will fight back and distort your life. In other words, the rejected part of yourself will bring difficult circumstances that appear to be caused by others because you can’t yet own the reality within.
I could hear and deeply feel the raw, raging brawl going on inside. This was bigger than almost anything else I’d faced. What to do? I breathed and breathed, almost in desperation, waiting for the answer to appear.
And then I remembered. These passionate voices were both aspects, parts of my Self that had gotten stuck in their experiences of extreme polarity. I was at war with myself – but not really, because the real Me was the one observing. It was only a battle when I identified with one side and rejected the other. But beyond the battlefield, I Am that I Am and all is well.
In that moment, as I turned my attention toward loving, accepting and being present with ME, the battle suddenly became irrelevant. It didn’t actually matter who “won.” They both tried a few more times to get my attention, but eventually, like tired quarreling children, they put down their swords and trudged back home; pouting, cranky, still snapping at each other but ready for a nap.
Tired from the inner turmoil, I went to bed, a little concerned that they’d start up again when I wasn’t looking, but also knowing it didn’t matter. In the morning, I felt something new inside, something that was difficult to define for a while. There was a lot of “definable” stuff too – sadness for the lifetimes lost to this battle, weariness for the energy it had taken to keep the struggle under control, grieving for parts of me that, in a way, no longer exist. I had gotten used to their presence, imbalanced though it was. But now there was an entire area of my life to be rediscovered and recreated, because so much of it had been unconsciously defined by parts of me that existed in fierce resistance to each other.
I had gained a much deeper experiential understanding of the concept of integrating light and dark. Oh, I had been happy enough to “integrate my darkness” as long as it meant I was still a nice person. But when a “not nice” part jumps out and creates havoc, even through another person, it becomes obvious I haven’t brought it home yet. When I’m no longer resisting “that which I am not” and everything I do not want to be, then I am finally free to be all that I truly am. And, in that freedom I can choose in each moment how to express it.
It’s not easy to allow this deep integration. But the good news is that there are fewer and fewer rejected parts causing pain and chaos in my life, whether by my own actions or those of other people.
“When the light and dark join together within you, it’s no longer just the elements of light and dark. The merging creates a whole new energy and different consciousness, because it contains the wisdom of everything that you’ve done that was dark, and everything that you’ve done that was light. So, it’s no longer the combination of light and dark; it takes a quantum leap.” ~ Kuthumi