This article has been brewing for more than a month now; a big, complex issue that needed distilling into something manageable, an absurdly simple solution to a lifetimes-long ‘problem.’ It’s ironic how the obsessive search for something almost generates its camouflage, an unconscious resistance to finding, for then the search would be over.
For years, my search has been for the Body Solution, the secret to making my body truly my own, an accurate representation of ME rather than another iteration of my ancestors. We’ve had plenty of hints along the way – from Standard Technology and Ancestral Freedom to Biological Rejuvenation, I Am Cleansing and a whole lot more – yet the body still proves to be one of our biggest challenges. Ironically, everything I’ve written recently about the body – loving it unconditionally, being fully present when I eat, releasing all the controls, etc. – has not been wrong, exactly, but it has also missed the point. In fact, I will say it was the “last hurrah” in one of the biggest games I’ve ever played.
Like most of us, I’ve worked hard to release ancient patterns of lack and worthlessness. I have integrated countless aspects and truly learned to love myself. I’ve given everything for my soul’s passion and my life has slowly changed to reflect this. Things flow easily, synchronicity prevails, my very busy days are softened by grace and ease. Yet this one last issue – the body – often brings feelings of frustration and failure. It’s not just about extra weight or aches and pains. It’s about truth, accuracy, dignity, and finally feeling at home within myself. I’ve tried plenty of schemes to “fix” it, and they’ve usually “worked” for a while, before inexplicably losing all effectiveness.
The October Shoud was a strange one for me. First of all, it was webcast from Hawaii, and I wasn’t there to help. I felt sort of like a co-pilot whose plane had taken off without her. Silly, yes, because there was a very competent team in Kona, but nonetheless I was out of sorts. Then I noticed an error in one of the video clips, MY error. “Dammit, can I get nothing right?” said an old familiar – but usually ignored – voice. “Shush, aspect, not now. It’s time for the Shoud.” But then it really got triggered when Adamus declared: “You’ve gotten this far… please don’t work on your problems. You really don’t have any.”
“No problems??” aspect hollered. “Have you seen me lately? Sure, most of my problems are gone, but this damn body…”
When the Shoud was over I went outside, the “total failure” aspect surging up in all her miserable glory. “How can I possibly be a Standard for humanity, an example of no more suffering, when I can’t even manage myself, let alone feel at home in my body?” Settling into my chair under a tree, I looked back at the house. In the evening dusk it was illuminated from within, a golden glow just like Adamus had talked about moments before. A reminder to shine my light for me. “I don’t know how this’ll help anything” grumbled the aspect, but the real me took a deep breath, knowing there would somehow be magic involved.
The next morning, I was making breakfast when a huge knowing fell into my awareness and I saw exactly what was going on. (Wow, that divine illumination thing really works!!) I saw how I have been engaged in a massive game of hide and seek, with myself, and I finally caught me! I got the entire knowing all at once, but it’s taken me weeks to unspool it into suitable words.
In the past I’ve written about a “galaxy aspect,” a group of related aspects so big that it encompasses far more than a single experience or lifetime and so close that it feels like “me.” I had just found a huge one. Not only did this lifetime start out with body issues stemming from things like tightly controlled meals, tremendous body shame, denial of physical desires, and biological signals ignored, it was also the perfect setup to trigger past lifetime issues of starvation, torture, shame, sacrifice, wretched vows, and every possible iteration of suffering. Add in all the “opposite” aspects created to manage, fix, and defend the body from sabotage by the traumatized ones, and it’s a massive swirl of confusion. A galaxy aspect. (By the way, Adamus draws an excellent illustration of this in Aspectology, which I passionately recommend.)
It was a mess and I was wholly caught up in it. Any time I’d do something to “fix” body, it would satisfy one part of the churning galaxy and produce tantalizing results. But then another part would swing into action, negating any benefit and bringing up more issues. Whatever I tried worked for a while until it got cancelled out by another part, putting everything right back in confusion and frustration.
Then came the Shoud and the inner light that finally illuminated the common denominator – my attention! This entire body game was kept firmly in place by all the energy I was giving it.
All these parts and pieces were jostling and fighting for my attention energy, like a toddler throwing a tantrum, and I was playing right along. (Anybody that’s had a 2-year-old knows how well that goes.) It was only me who had created the entire whirlwind of conflicting information and contradictory experiences. And it was only me keeping it going all this time. I even gave this galaxy aspect an identity, referring to it as Her or She – “She gets whatever she wants.” At least I’d stopped fighting with her (sort of), but the entire galaxy was thriving on my attention.
Well, I’m familiar with aspect work, and now I knew exactly what to do. As Tobias says, the first step in integration is awareness. After that, it’s all about compassion, i.e. acceptance. I had been acting as if there was something “not right” about my body that needed to be fixed or changed. But that is precisely the rejection that keeps aspects stuck – and then gets them annoyed at Adamus for saying the problems don’t exist. (Seriously? That very annoyance should have clued me in!) He also said, “It’s only when you give it that attention, when you get embattled with it, that it sticks around.” Duh.
Now that I’m aware of that galaxy, to stop its endless spinning I only have to withdraw my attention from it – ALL of it. Perhaps easier said than done. Have you ever tried to ignore a screaming toddler who shifts from anger to terror to heartbroken to sweetness to anything that gets your attention? It requires a LOT of clarity. In this case, it means ignoring all the little ways it had “controlled” me, all the old habits and beliefs about my body and what I put into it, all the patterns (conscious and unconscious) that reinforce my ancestral lineage. Basically, every prior bit of information about my body is suspect. It’s a radical choice to trust myself that deeply.
Sitting with all this, I became acutely aware of the many ways the aspects conspire to fulfill their desires rather than mine. Here is a small sample of countless internal conversations:
“Hey, this project is getting tedious, let’s go eat something.” Not now aspect, I’m not hungry.
“You’re having granola? Don’t you know how many carbs are in that?” Be quiet, aspect. This is what I choose.
“You’re heading out the door without food? What if you get hungry?” Hush, I will take care of myself.
“You know that bread is going to make your knees hurt.” This is my body, not yours.
“See? Now you’re lightheaded. I told you we should have eaten.” I’m not falling for that anymore. Stop it (lightheadedness clears immediately).
“Any idea how many calories you’ve had today? Are you sure you want that chocolate?” Shhhh.
“Look at you, fatter than ever. This is stupid.” It doesn’t matter.
Over the days and weeks, a lot of the noise has died down, but I can’t claim that it’s over. This galaxy has been eons in the making, and “She” still has a lot of tricks up her sleeve. Sometimes I still fall for them, but less and less.
It’s essential to remember that I am not combatting control with more control. I’m not combatting anything; I’m choosing. One of Her questions was, “If you don’t listen to me, your body, how will you know what it needs?”
Here is the absolute truth: what my body needs is ME – my love, attention and, most of all, my communication. With that connection, nothing else matters. How do I overcome ancestral patterns or symptoms that plague me? They don’t need overcome, and the struggle actually keeps them in place. Don’t my habits and beliefs create my reality? Yes, of course they do, and they have been all this time – particularly the belief that my body is not my own. But that pure, sweet connection between Me and me – open communication without agenda, unobstructed flow between my consciousness and my body – rewrites everything.
Whether ancestral, karmic, biological or something else, all these patterns (aspects) are only in place because I put them there, and kept them there. They have served me well. But I finally remembered that I created all this, and fighting my own creation is just adding another star to the magnificent – and magnificently obsolete – galaxy.
Now, I must add here that this is not medical advice of any kind. If you have a body issue that requires medical input, don’t make a change just because someone wrote or said something. But realize that you are the creator and then unconditionally accept that ownership of yourself, especially when it includes medical recommendations. You’re not a victim, you’re an explorer. Every single aspect was created by you, in love and service. Some of them got so big and congested that they feel like they ARE you, but once you’re aware of the game, you can change the rules at any time. Or even stop playing altogether (which means this is my last body article for a while). Best of all, your own divine light will finally illuminate what’s always been hiding right in front of you.
I have no regrets about this game, only wonderment at my ability to play it so convincingly.
Hey aspects, ready or not, here I Am.