There are two things converging in my world right now, which has made for some interesting experiences. The alchemy is still unfolding, almost too fresh to share. But, well, here we go.
1 – MEA CULPA
Less than two weeks ago Geoff & Linda hosted the Threshold workshop from the Crimson Circle studio. Although the channels were recorded last year, one of the segments is a live Question & Answer session with Adamus. He said that this is because the audience is constantly changing and therefore the questions continue to evolve. Apparently, the recent audience was dead serious because it was one of the most intense channels I can remember. Pulling no punches and mincing no words, his “in your face” attitude left no doubt about the importance of Adamus’ message.
And what message could be so important as to almost derail the Q&A? It’s nothing new, but perhaps more crucial than ever: “If it’s in your reality, there’s something you like about it. And it’s serving you.” He first applied this to health problems and other physical issues, but it really covers everything. It also could be the least popular thing he’s ever said!
I personally don’t have any serious health problems, but I do have a persistently frustrating relationship with my body and how it manifests in this world. I confess to modifying my diet fairly often, despite what Adamus says, because – gasp! – I don’t know what else to do. Well, that’s been my story until recently.
Adamus has consistently declared that it doesn’t matter what we eat. But when a few bites of certain foods literally add multiple pounds overnight, it’s kind of hard to believe him! So, I usually control what I eat through schemes like low carbs or intermittent fasting. And they really do help to some extent. Then, when I imagine Adamus judging over my shoulder, I grumble “No doubt Ascended Masters can eat whatever they want. But apparently I’m not there yet and the rules are clearly different for us mere mortals.”
Unfortunately, no matter what I do, nothing has really solved the issue. Despite my strong determination to release longstanding ancestral patterns, I still see them in the mirror and feel them in my aching bones. And, in my honest moments, I know Adamus is right; it’s NOT about the food. It seems to have some effect, but the TRUE solution is deeper, buried some place where magic is real and energy flows – unless it’s stuck. Ultimately every imbalance is stuck energy, and I suppose the only one who got it stuck is me.
Mea culpa. Whatever it is, I chose it.
2 – LOVE
Love is amazing. Who doesn’t want to be in love? My notebooks and journals have a lot of recent entries on this topic, and if I were to distill them into one, it would be this: The profoundly beautiful feeling of being in love is 100% my own personal experience.
While that’s nothing new, the whole idea used to annoy me because I wanted a lover, someone to “get me” and care for me in the ways I’ve dreamed of. But I can no longer pretend that love depends on someone else. Yes, I’ve “used” others in the past to trigger experiences of love, but that’s all they were – triggers. Which means feeling “in love” is not dependent on the presence of another person. Oddly enough, even though I am currently unattached, I feel more consistently “in love” than ever in my life! Waves of love wash through me, life has taken on that beautiful rosy glow, and this time it’s not dependent on the whims of another person or even my own lovability. I am free to luxuriate in a delightfully sensual experience of love, lavish myself with kindness and grace, caress my own heart with encouragement and support exactly when it’s needed most. No more disappointment because someone else didn’t get my signals or forgot a special moment or got so caught up in their own situation they couldn’t be there for me.
Love. It’s all mine!
Now, about that convergence. I recently felt a big question from Self: “Am I willing to be ALL IN with this love?” Well sure! Why not? A few days later came Threshold with the very personal challenge about body stuff and once again the words: “It’s NOT about what you put in your body.” Then what is it? I demanded of Self. With the distant rumble of thunder, I knew the answer was on its way.
Soon, I felt the gentle pressure of something waiting to be acknowledged. It was my body, reminding me of all the ways I’d allowed her to be abused over decades and lifetimes. Physical and emotional traumas from earlier years; rejecting the body’s signals and desires; asking too much of her in lieu of kindness; the shame of simply existing in the feminine form. And all that’s just from this lifetime! Dear body also reminded that, still carried in my bones, are the traumas of betrayal, torture, fire, ice, battles and plunder; the righteous pain of self-denial; the self-imposed punishment for the merest hint of pleasure.
Tears flowed as the memories surfaced. What have we done to ourselves? Why did we ever think that suffering was the answer to ANYTHING? Maybe you didn’t, but I sure did. At some level, I chose those experiences. And love helped me remember.
In Threshold, Adamus talks about receiving the forgiveness of the I Am. Now, in this moment of remembering, I want forgiveness from my body for all the torment she’s been through. But I’m not sure it works like that, so I stay with the feelings and let things keep moving.
A steely resolve begins to take shape: I will never, ever hurt myself again, never ignore my body’s signals and messages, never again try to control her or impose my will.
Ouch, there it is. Forcing my body to eat a certain way and do certain things because I think it’s a good idea or “the right way” is only more abuse, thinly disguised as a “healthy lifestyle.” Maybe it’s time to go with HER ideas of what is appropriate.
But wait, I’ve done this before, gave body whatever she wanted, and it didn’t work so well. Bread? Sure. Then my joints start aching, my blood sugar tanks, and the mind squawks “See? It’s not working. I’m taking back control.” But this time something is different. This time, I’m in love.
She indulges in a sweet pastry and I savor it with love. Funny, this time one is enough, rather than the usual binge and twisted logic of “Better eat them all now so I won’t be tempted later.”
In town for some errands, I stop at a mall. It’s not my favorite place – way too many people! – but I’m hungry. “Dear body, what do you want? I'll give you ANYTHING you want.” With fifteen restaurants in the food court, there’s plenty to choose from. The answer comes back immediately: LEAVE! I head straight for the exit and end up at a much quieter place with the best lunch I’ve had in ages.
And on it goes – loving her, feeling her, checking in on her desires, and not just about food. Resting when tired, a luxurious bath in the middle of the day, a walk in the morning forest before work, a warm cup of chocolate instead of wine. Whatever body wants, body gets. You’d almost think she’s as important to me as a lover...
My mind, per usual, is fretting with all sorts of questions. Is this sustainable? If I never push myself, won’t body become a lazy couch potato? No, actually, she likes to work, even likes getting tired. She likes to create and bring order to her world, just not when forced to by the slave driver on top of her shoulders.
But what if she never wants vegetables again? What if she lives on cookies and coffee all day? Surely that’s not healthy! Wait, why do I want to be healthy anyway? To avoid suffering? But what if avoiding the pleasures of life in an attempt to be ‘healthy’ is a more insidious form of suffering? The fact is, I will live for as long as I choose, then joyfully depart for the next adventure. In the meantime, I’m done with every kind of self-abuse.
But shouldn’t I avoid bread if it makes my joints hurt? Maybe. Or is that just the old linear cause-and-effect thinking? Instead of looking for something to blame and control, what if I just love myself when something hurts? Or when my blood sugar drops? Or when I’m tired? What if working “backwards” from love actually transmutes whatever went into my mouth?
The last few days I’ve done some experiments with this and have discovered that love has remarkably different physical effects than fear. Maybe it’s really NOT about the substance! Every time I go back to love, I can feel body release a little more stuck energy and a few more old patterns.
I’m really curious to see how far I can take this. What does it look like, sound like, taste like, feel like to fiercely love myself in THIS moment? What will happen if my love becomes the most important factor in THIS moment? And then THIS one? I’m starting to sense that going ALL IN with my own love is unleashing something that’s been waiting a very long time.
In fact, I wonder… when the dragon has no more guilt and shame to dig up, where does all her passion go? When that assignment is complete, what does she do with all that ferocity? In other words, what if I love myself with the same persistence and fervor with which I’ve been digging up the crap?
It’s time to find out.