Forget bump n’ fill. Sometimes you’ve just gotta go big or go home. Since I’m not going Home any time soon, apparently some part of myself decided it was time for COVID. Up until a few weeks ago I was very proud of myself and my robust immune system, quite sure I would permanently escape the dreaded global fright. After all, being currently stationed in Hawaii to assist with Crimson Circle productions, I didn’t have time to get sick! But alas, my turn had come. With an extra week in the month (that I’d planned on using differently) and an extra person who happened to be on hand for camera work, the world went on without me. Buried under a heap of blankets oblivious to the sunny warmth outside, I passed the days in a strange and painful delirium.
To state the obvious, it’s exasperating and a little scary when the body goes out of commission and refuses to function despite all my mighty will to the contrary. But there’s always a silver lining, if I remember to look, and in this case, it opened an inner door for something deeply desired but entirely unexpected.
It had a devious beginning. I’d been coughing a bit, attributing it to inhaling a little seawater when I got tumbled in the waves at the beach and unwilling to acknowledge the general achiness that was creeping in. Finally, on a Monday afternoon I crawled into bed “for a few minutes,” deciding my general malaise was due to “energy moving” after an important conversation that morning. Ever productive, I decided to take the opportunity to explore the doors that Merlin talked about recently, inviting us to go out the left and come back in the right. (Except, wait… when I’m out there looking back, the right-hand door is now on the left. Does that change anything? Does it matter? What if... oh mind, just shut up!)
A deep breath, and out the door I went – and practically bumped right into a massive table surrounded by many robed figures. The Crimson Council! And they had some questions. “Show us what you’ve been working on” they asked, referring to a specific topic covered in the recent (human) conversation. “What? I haven’t even been thinking about tha…” and suddenly I was showing them, animated slideshow and all! Huh. Apparently, I had been contemplating this after all. My human self was just as interested in the presentation as the Council seemed to be.
Suddenly there was a very pointed question: “Where’s your scepter?” (Except they had a different name for it.) Oops! Where IS my scepter? Clearly, human me was forgetting some important stuff. Summoning it into my hand, I immediately got distracted by its exquisite beauty. An elongated crystal rhombus-shaped (yes, I had to look it up) tip bound in gold, sitting atop a most interesting staff. It’s very hard to describe properly in human words, but it was sort of like a long smooth clear rod that was somehow etched inside with scenes from every Earth lifetime I’ve lived. How it was created I couldn’t fathom, but there it was, a visible distillation of each lifetime. As the scenes progressed toward the top of the staff, the accumulated wisdom lit up the crystal tip with a brilliant radiance. Jolting me out of my reverie, one of the hooded figures barked, not with malice but with clarity, “Don’t come back without it.”
Some other stuff happened, but then body got my attention and I was back in bed. I wanted to know more about that cool project I’d apparently been working on “out there,” but it would have to wait. Everything was starting to hurt.
The next day I made a pitiful appearance at the online staff meeting, staying on mute to not drown out the proceedings with my coughing. Then it was back to bed. Since my sweet caregiver had other work to do, I was left to my own devices most of the time and my mind took great advantage of its captive audience. Dredging up the most ridiculous, random, and disturbing things it could find, the steady flow of detritus streaming through my head hurt almost as much as the fever. After way too many hours of putting up with this, I’d had enough. “No f*@&ing more!!” I said out loud. “For god’s sake just SHUT UP.”
And it did!
In the blissful, delirious silence, I realized it was one of those core level choices that really make things happen. The Master had spoken, and my frenzied mental energy obeyed. The mind was actually quiet. A while later I found out that a truly quiet mind has a hard time stringing words together in coherent sequences, which meant I had trouble expressing myself in written or spoken words. But I was sick and didn’t care. Eventually, of course, the mind came out of the shadows and found a little corner in which to live. It does prove useful once in a while, but ever since that smackdown, it’s been a lot more cooperative.
Over the next few days my body turned the corner and started getting better. Eventually I was well enough to go down to the beach and watch the sunset – one of my favorite off-duty activities on the island. Sitting quietly in the sand and breathing deeply, I closed my eyes to feel the warmth of the setting sun. Soon I noticed beings around me, what I perceived as curious ghosts. They were somehow attached to the area in their own reality, but suddenly noticed my presence, regarding me with placid curiosity. And then, a surprise.
My soul popped around the corner with a big, loving grin – “Howdy!” I knew in every molecule that’s who and what it was, even though it/I had taken on a saucy human-ish appearance for this encounter. And with that introduction, there followed a most unusual “conversation.” The instant I-the-human had a question, before it was even formed into words, I-the-soul had the answer. And I had a lot! The experience lasted maybe 10 minutes, but it would take several hours to write down everything “we” talked about. It was the most exhilarating experience I’ve ever had with myself.
At some point I asked why I got COVID. “For this!” was the instant reply. Huh. Well, maybe it was worth the trouble.
But how can I keep this? “It’s you, silly. Just allow it!”
My soul, personified in that moment as a smart, sassy, wise and hyper-confident young man, was everything I could possibly want. “He” showed me how I can comfort myself whenever needed. “He” dissolved into me for a moment, just so I could feel the sameness of “us.” He/I congratulated me on allowing a deep and beautiful love into my life, on trusting myself, on surviving this lifetime until now, on staying true to myself, and on and on. “He” showed me what happens when I go off on some human tangent, how I-the-soul watch myself-the-human with such delight, compassion, and everlasting patience until we’re done with the detour and come back to my Self.
From my soul I felt zero reproach, zero guidance, zero shoulds or shouldn’ts, zero hopes, zero regrets. Whether I-the-human perceives it or not, I-the-soul is thrilled with me in every single moment. In fact, the rapturous song of my soul is the most perfectly matched “tune” I have ever perceived. And just because my mind-fingers might be in my ears and my mind-mouth is drowning out everything with “La la la la la!” it doesn’t mean my soul has ever stopped singing. It is so compelling that if my human could stay always in that space of instant communion, she would never have another need or want. And yet, my soul loves savoring the taste of needs and wants and desires and fulfillments and frustrations and pleasures and pains and, well, every single thing my human has ever experienced! To be honest, my soul’s level of delight is astonishing.
Of course, that moment passed and life went on, but my entire self has not forgotten it. I can still feel the delight twinkling in the periphery of my awareness. The gentle saucy voice is still there, albeit usually muffled by my still-very-busy and occasionally-helpful mind. But I say without hesitation that if it required an intensely painful bout of COVID to give myself that experience, I’d say I got a bargain.
One thing, however, puzzled me. Where was my soul before that and how did he/I pop in “around the corner”? In my inner sight, it was as if I was sitting in a sort of hallway with transparent walls, completely unaware of another transparent passageway transecting just in front of me. Whatever was in that crossing passageway was invisible to me, even though I could see “through” it into my human reality. A few days later, we resumed work on a production that had been temporarily put on hold. In the intervening time, the expected topic had changed; we would now be recording the first installment of the Heaven’s Cross series. During the second day of recording, a lightbulb went on in my head so bright I had to stifle the laughter. That evening back on the beach, I had experienced my own “crossway,” the intersection of my own realms! The finally-passable intersection between my human self and my Full Self was the “corner” my soul had popped around. I can still see the look of pure delight and glee on his/my face.
Getting sick wasn’t fun and I don’t recommend the misery. But when all is said and done, sometimes a crash n’ reboot is actually worth it.