“What a ride realisation is.” Throughout the past years my partner Sandra Roggermann and I kept coming back to one idea: We need to document this and collect the wisdom of fellow travelers about the big dream we all had eons ago: Full embodied realisation! Wouldn’t it be grand to have a film and a book that chronicles all of our journeys? A legacy, if you will, of the pioneers of consciousness. Leaving a trail of light for the ones that follow. That time, it seems, has come now.
The dream itself is very clear to me. The choice and tenacity from all of us to be here at this specific time also. But the process we all went through in the last few years? That process felt chaotic, messy, painful, maddening and yet at the same time deeply transformative and incredibly beautiful. So how do you explain, let alone film, an experience like that?
I felt I had to start asking myself the same questions I would ask some of you in the coming year: What was the journey like up until this point and are there common threads and experiences? If I am showing up as a realised human expressing himself as a professional filmmaker, I need to answer these questions myself first:
The first time I felt something was off I must have been five or six years old. Like many other kids around me I believed we could all do magic. The world was this vast and wonderful playground. I was joyful and free and I remember caring deeply that other people would be happy also.
And then it slowly happened. I was always a hyper-sensitive kid that could feel into the essence of things. As I turned seven I started to slowly realise that what people say and do doesn’t always align with what they feel. On top of that I was having more and more awkward experiences of people reacting to me without me understanding why. In hindsight, I realise that they saw their own mastery and games reflected back to them, but didn’t want that truth exposed. Of course, I didn’t fully understand this as a kid.
Many of my bad experiences started out as very innocent questions such as asking my Mom’s friend how her dad was, only to find out he was dying of cancer or closing my neighbours gate that had blown open only to find him suspecting me of stealing. For me this was the first rude awakening: Feeling different.
Over the years I grew more and more afraid to speak my truth as it always seemed to ruffle people’s feathers. I decided to keep things to myself and to just observe the world around me in the hope I was going to feel less different.
But by my early teens I had developed a deep fear for life. Incidentally this fear also motivated me to become even more of a chameleon and try to blend in. I absorbed all the correct social behavior of others so people would not notice the imposter in their midst. During this time, I could never quite shake the feeling that I was observing myself from behind a movie-set while seeing myself acting in it at the same time.
Then at seventeen after a night of heavy smoking I freaked out and suffered a massive hyperventilation attack. It was nothing serious physically, but out came years of emotion and frustrations that hadn’t been dealt with. I quit smoking and all drugs on that very day but suffered from being afraid to go out into the world for a few years. For me this was the “jolt” from the master that set me back on the path of the dream again. This felt like the second rude awakening: I could not keep denying these feelings any longer no matter how scared I was.
In my early twenties, I was doing a lot of sports as a way of grounding myself and I was working as a graphic designer. Although a satisfying time, I could never shake the feeling that there had to be more yet I was too afraid to change. I wanted so desperately to belong to the normal world that I kept acting what I thought would be a successful human being. During this time, I also did a lot of different spiritual courses. It felt wonderful to be amongst open minded people again.
But after a while I ran into the same unsafe situations I encountered as a child. These spirituals circles also played a lot of power games and often had very rigid rules and ideals. I had also changed my career to being a film director practically overnight after tapping into the passion of visual language. In the years that followed I was moving in both these spiritual circles and the rather harsh world of ad agencies and commercials. In that schizophrenic constellation, the feeling of “observing myself being in a movie” kept coming back. Now I was actually working in movies which made the irony of feeling this all the more funny.
I was good at my job as I seemed to be able to capture the essence yet I still deeply distrusted people. This started to take its toll after a while. I felt afraid of doing things wrong, thus making me the ideal target for manipulation and power games from others. I never truly committed to any dream project because the world felt way too dangerous for me to show myself. In reality, I was looking for answers outside myself and I was not being “done enough” to want to step out of my own cage and take the risk of truly showing myself.
Being truly done with it was my third big rude awakening: I was in my late thirties and I just hit a wall. I was deeply unhappy and felt totally stuck while this dream kept banging on the door. If this was life, I’d rather not live it and I made a deep choice; follow my true passion and the dream or die trying. Things unfolded quickly after that choice and were greatly accelerated by reflecting these experiences with – my partner Sandra Roggermann, and by the new “in-your-face” channeling methods of Adamus. Life quickly started to make more sense on an energetic and mental level. But the biggest and most rude awakening was yet to come.
“A funny thing happened on the way to enlightenment: I lost everything” someone once said and over the last 3 years it wasn’t always so funny to me. The dark night of the soul felt more like the dark years of the soul. My life changed completely. I had to break down all my ego, lose a lot of friends and accept that all the things in my life that showed up were my choice. Like many of you, I lost most of my passion and pulled back from a lot of social and family interactions. I tried to be a good spiritual student and tried to think my way through realisation. Finally I had to give up that battle also.
The final rude awakening was: Realising that my human isn’t doing this, can’t understand this and has no control over this process whatsoever. That feeling of losing total human control was extremely uncomfortable as that meant I had to give up the act that was my only “safety” in this world. No wonder realisation is the last stall on the symbolic marketplace, as Adamus once said. This journey is just brutal!
All of this finally found its place because I was simply too tired to fight it anymore. I had tried just about every possible mental and spiritual avenue with the exception of just allowing – so that’s what I do at the moment. I breathe and allow. I let most of the creative impulses come from there and sense when it is too mental. It is a delicate dance but there is a deep awareness now.
What’s funny is that during these last years I kept working as a director on one of the most technically difficult yet rewarding film projects I have ever done. The profession I chose turned out to be a literal metaphor for showing me how to be the director of my own life, show up with my truth and how to work consciously with the many “acts of creation” for myself and others.
My personal expression is a very Adam-like one of creative action and movement. It actually loves to be able to live this dream smack bang in the middle of life in a fun and grounded way. Yet the Isis part in me that was restored recently is one of beingness, self-love and feeling into multiple potentials at once. It also helps me to sense when to passionately create and when to stop and let it come to me. The observer part in me, that used to train me like a drill sergeant, is now slowly turning into a friendly ally that can point things out while they happen but doesn’t judge me for it or make a story out of everything.
Each and every one of us has had the same dream, yet we all have had a different journey and different expressions to get there. We are all fine-tuning the co-existence between the Master and the human and all of us are slowly coming out of the shadows again. This time we bring our light and shine fierce and uncompromising. The many different creative expressions that I saw the past years and the many mind-blowing stories that I heard from so many of you has truly inspired me. Sandra and myself absolutely love how we, as consciousness pioneers, share so honestly and create this wonderful space of support for one another and we are honoured at the opportunity to return the favor in the form of this article, the documentary and a book.
Jonathan ([email protected]) is a professional filmmaker and is embarking on a series of new film projects that aim to both entertain and inform people about consciousness and realisation. Sandra Roggermann ([email protected]) is a coach (SenseNavigator, Lumen Coaching) and the founder of the Masters Hub. From January, Jonathan and Sandra are continuing the “24/7 a Masters Gathering” webcast from Robert Theiss.
Sandra and Jonathan have started the production on a feature length documentary called “Rude Awakening” that will document and explore the journey of realisation in an honest, fun and human way. You can follow the latest news on this production on Masters Hub and on Facebook.
They are currently looking for Crowd funders, Angel investors and Ambassadors for this film project. You can add your support through their crowdfunding campaign on Indiegogo.