Do you know a realized master with ADHD or autism? You might and not even know it. I recently realized that I’m realized… but then I also realized that I’m neurodivergent, which means that my brain works differently than the typical way.
I’ll get to realization in a moment, but first I’d like to explain my particular strains of neurodiversity to give some context. I’m neurodivergent in two key ways that I’m aware of, both of these differences come with their own challenges and their own benefits:
• I can’t see or hear in my head, so my imagination is blind and deaf. Often I don’t know what’s in my head until I start expressing it. I can think in thought-words but it takes effort.
• My memory is affected; memories feel very distant since I can’t bring them up within my mind.
• This helps me stay in the present moment. It keeps me grounded and focused on my current life.
• One definition of autism is that it’s difficult to be “normal.” In Kindergarten, I remember feeling like I was completely different than the other kids. I thought, “where did they learn to play like that?”
• Some things come easy to me, but other day-to-day things can be challenging. This is because I process information about reality differently than others, with a hypersensitivity to details and dissonance. The hypersensitivity applies on many levels – my senses, communication, and how I think through problems or experience my creativity.
• This sensitivity means that I can be very aware; however, it can be challenging to assign meaning to what I’m feeling. For example, I might be very aware of a disconnect in what someone is communicating between their words and emotions, but not be able to label it or describe it, or know how to respond to it.
• Trying to process and understand all of the details that I’m aware of can be exhausting and overwhelming. It can also be easy to start overthinking the details. However, once I have an understanding it’s usually a very deep understanding – more than most.
• I care a LOT about clarity and honesty because it leads to understanding and I don’t judge or shame people who are clear with me. I actually need a lot of clarity from others when they communicate so I can follow them without getting overwhelmed with internal questions about the details.
• Communicating “normally” is the first thing to go out the window if I’m tired, overwhelmed, or in a group setting. When I’m tired or busy I’m more likely to be blunt, which can come across as rude or callous. However, I am deeply empathic, just with a different way of communicating.
Autism doesn’t limit me or define me – duh. Nothing will ever do that again. Rather, my autism was a catalyst into my realization. I wanted to be different in this lifetime, somewhat off Main Street from the pack.
In many ways, there’s a lot of overlap between being autistic and being Shaumbra:
• It’s being a little different and not fitting in. Not looking for validation from the outside world, or approval in the eyes of others.
• It’s choosing not to care what others think of you.
• It’s being empathic and caring – a little too much sometimes.
• It’s having to go within for clarity and direction in life. Having to trust yourself and your knowingness.
• It’s valuing honesty and clarity. Being a bit blunt, “pirate-y.”
• It’s not always being able to express yourself to the people around you. Not being valued by most other people because they don’t see you, they’re too busy being human.
• It’s beautiful and unique for each of us.
I have to rely on my knowingness, on my feelings, and on my heart. I have nothing else to go on. If anyone questions me (including my own mind) I might not have a good answer other than “I know what I know.” I’m stupid and slow in some ways. I can’t remember a damn thing, and I don’t really comprehend a lot of humanity – nor do I want to. I need a lot of time to myself, and I’ll pull back from others when I’ve reached my socializing limit. At the same time, I love to connect with others, and I do so with an open heart and no judgement when others are willing to open up to me.
SO WHAT IS REALIZATION LIKE FOR ME?
I think one of the most beautiful things about Shaumbra is our diversity. We’ll all experience our realization in our own way, and we’ll all choose to design our lives on the planet post-realization in our own creative ways.
To me, realization is almost stupidly simple, like the I Am, Allowing, and everything else that we do. For me, it was just a ‘no more’ moment one day – I’m done, I’m COMPLETE. I’m simply unwilling to see myself as anything less than complete anymore, I won’t indulge in it. I will never again search for fulfillment or try to fix parts of myself that could be seen as imperfect (they can change on their own when they’re ready). A master is free to be who they are and know that it is beautiful, no matter what. My human self can doubt it and ask for proof, but I made a deep, passionate choice to be done – and so it is.
Did I integrate all of my aspects? No, probably not. I just don’t need to. I accept them as they are. I am whole and complete, regardless of my so-called flaws or limitations. To think of my quirks as flaws that need to be integrated is such a human perspective. The true forgiveness is realizing that nothing needs to be forgiven. I’ve always been complete/realized, I’ve never really needed to integrate anything to deserve the awareness of it. I was still realized when I was playing the human game of victim/abuser, I was just as worthy then as I am now. I’ve never been cut off from soul, the experience of separation was an adventure where I pretended to forget myself.
Accepting my realization feels so simple and obvious. Why did it take us so long to get here, to this choice and feeling of completion? Why did we have to deconstruct so much and go through so much change for such a simple shift in perspective?
We truly went so deeply into unworthiness and suffering – and for what? I have ancestors on my Dad’s side who died in the Holocaust. Many of my differences that I now love would have gotten me killed – between the Jewish blood, being gay, being autistic. We did our best to guard our unworthiness with a mile-thick steel sarcophagus so that it could flourish unhindered by any hint of acceptance. Now the earth is deciding if it’s ready to give up the very old & abusive power games, like war. Is mass consciousness ready to no longer be a victim?
The shift in perspective to completion is so simple but it changes everything. I’m still in the chaotic aftermath of that shift, with so many changes happening so quickly. My human is playing catch up! Case in point: realizing that I’m neurodivergent. Realizing that I’m autistic was not one of my expectations for post-realization life. I just realized that I’m autistic this year, earlier in 2022. But now I understand that about myself and it brings more clarity, more compassion and understanding for my human… and my human is beautiful, just as it is.
So that brings the question, what next? So far, my life isn’t exactly easier post-realization. Some things are more difficult, some things less. I have most of the same human challenges, if not more due to the increased pace of change in my life and in the world. There’s the constant barrage of mass consciousness. I feel simultaneously 100% free, but also chained. Instead of simply integrating the human and moving on, I have to somehow let the human expand and change so it can survive here in restriction, while also being complete. And yet there’s something so beautiful about choosing to be here in the midst of it all.
AND… I have so much to be grateful for, so much that I love about my life. I have more trust, grace, and sensuality than ever before in my life and that helps. I moved to Hawaii a few years ago, pre-realization. I wanted to stay in the Aloha energies that flow around these islands. I work for myself, owning a small company. I also help Crimson Circle with productions when they’re in town. I have the company of a very sweet, loving partner. I have a handful of close friends here on the island who inspire me and like to be around me. I feel loved and accepted by the people I care about the most.
This year my human says it wants rejuvenation, so I’ll be slowing down a bit, enjoying the continued unfolding on this crazy adventure. I’ll keep shining my light on the parts of me that feel stuck or alone. I’d also love to hear more from other Shaumbra, what is realization for you? What’s life like after, both the beauty and the challenges? We all have so much beauty and passion to share, and I can’t wait to see yours. Please express yourself, both to the world and to other Shaumbra!
Moishe Groger lives in Kona, Hawaii, just 5 minutes south of the Villa – so you might run into him if you come to Hawaii for an event.
His passion is to enjoy life on this planet while he’s here, slowly creating a new standard for how one can be a human in grace. He can be reached via email.