There comes a day on our way to realization when there is not much left to say. Lately whenever I attempt to write how my journey is unfolding, words just fail me. Instead, I have been doing a lot of benching: every day during my lunch hour at work, I go and sit in the local park. Same time, same bench.
Whether it rains or the sun shines, I am there. Watching life go by, while I enjoy the presence of an old friend. My soul.
After a long absence, he reappeared in my life out of the blue one hot summer afternoon during the ongoing lockdowns. I had been offered a job at the time, and the idea of going back to work was both terrifying and truly off-putting. I had spent the majority of the pandemic going through all the old Crimson Circle material, getting acquainted with Adamus & Shaumbra. I just could not get enough, and I really did not feel ready to go back out in that mad world yet.
One day though, while overwhelmed by my resistance, I heard a giggle within myself. It was so distinctive and so clear I could not ignore it. I stopped for a moment, for I sensed someone was standing right next to me. This presence felt both excited and rather joyful, which actually made me quite curious. It was as if this “thing” was telling me to go and enjoy the new job, no matter how I felt about it.
I did accept the offer and managed to hold the job for 4 days, at the end of which I knew I would not return. Looking back now, I realize that I was being asked to be a Master and I simply did not want to. Feeling there was still so much to learn, I went back to my Shouds and the CC group on Facebook, hoping to soon feel worthy of that title.
I was offered a new job back in October, and this time that giggle sounded more like heartfelt laughter. There was so much joy at the prospect of accepting this job, regardless of all the anxiety about being away from my blissful bubble. Mostly, I knew that I was being invited yet again to be the Master. This time I was ready because I was no longer on my own with my scary aspects: a powerful ally had come to my rescue and I felt I could conquer the world.
It had been over 30 years since I had felt my soul. I grew up being aware of a very strong and reassuring presence by my side at all times. I knew I was different from those around me, for I could see right through them and get a sense of events yet to happen. Wise beyond my years, I always felt extremely “big,” which looked to everybody else like I was just a bit eccentric and a lot cocky. To me, I was just someone who had come from very far with a loyal companion, and had ended up in a place where people were surely nice but did not know how special they really were. And I had come to remind them. Every interaction was a great opportunity to talk to others about life, spirits, things they could not see. Now I know I was simply trying to show them how magnificent they were.
The presence I sensed by my side was quiet and solid, like an infallible musketeer. I loved our bond; it made me feel safe in a world that often looked too big. One day, things suddenly started to change and I was no longer the strange child telling people there was no God and they were angels with no wings. Instead, I became a very disheartened little girl constantly trying to keep many, many hands off her small body. Unknown to my very young parents who simply were doing the best they could, I was abused many times during my childhood. Different men, different places, and yet always the same feeling: I just needed to stay alive. And the only way I could do so was by ordering my faithful companion to leave, because all this talk about the magic of life had only turned me into an easy prey for very sad and lost people.
There was a very specific moment when I sat down and chose to give up on all that I was. My special friend, my wisdom, my joy all went away and life was never the same after that.
That day I said goodbye to my soul, but what I did not know is that he never went far. He actually just hovered around me, giving me enough space to fall and get back up by myself. Because he knew I could. I now see how he was still walking beside me, keeping vigil while I immersed myself in this grand game called life. I never was lost, for that wisdom I thought I had given up on, was still very much within me. It kept me alive in a world which was often dark and cruel, moving me towards the hidden corners filled with light and love. And every person and every story were just small pieces of a very beautiful jigsaw puzzle.
It was only recently, while sitting on my bench, that it all became so clear: I had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do; nothing to learn and nothing to forget; there were no bad people or mercy to grant. Everybody has just played a role in my “reminding myself home,” and I was suddenly filled with infinite gratitude.
I saw how all my past lives had missed the same thing: the awareness that I am God also. In every life I had devoted myself to a powerful being “out there” and fought to keep its mighty presence alive among the lost souls of this world. And every time my voice was silenced and my power taken away, resulting in this lifetime being yet another attempt to get it all back. But that afternoon, on that cold bench, I knew I didn’t come back to keep that old fight on. I came back to lay my sword down and get my wings back on.
Mostly, it has become important to acknowledge what I knew all along: I was always going to be ok. I always had the strong sense that no matter the predicament I was in, it would all just be well. And this is not easy to explain to those around, because they have their games to play and their growth to do by themselves.
For instance, it has often been hard watching my own mother consuming herself in guilt because she could not see that I was being abused. Despite telling her over again that none of it happened because of my parents and that it could never define me, in the end I had to accept that this was her story and love her, regardless. But it is not my story and not my game. In my story there are no victims or boogeymen. There are only many angels who have forgotten their way home.
While I get to know my good old friend “Soul” all over again, I often hear my heart singing these days. Despite the ups and downs of everyday life, there is a renewed joy that had gone missing for a very long time. Suddenly I am 6 years old all over again, looking at the world from her window, whispering to her quiet companion: “Where the hell have we come to? Come on mate, let’s go and have some fun. Looks like this place could do with some of that!”
Antonia lives in London UK and is an “Energy Intuitive” & founder of Evoking Grace, an online sacred space designed to inspire you to thrive & live a happier life. She has created a very unique approach which combines intuitive skills, timeless wisdom, and practical tools to help you identify hidden dynamics which stop you from living well and truly enjoy yourself. Her offerings and writings can be found on Evoking Grace, Facebook, & Instagram.