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I had every intention to start my article in a fun and brilliant way. Yet, words are failing me, and my brain has suddenly gone on sleep mode. Perhaps I’d better get straight to the point then: After hundreds of Shouds, free material, SES and Aspectology, I have suddenly realized I love being a student.

That’s it. I said it.

I enjoy being on the learning end of whatever it is that I have been doing since a very young age. No doubt some of the Shaumbra veterans will be horrified by my words, but it is the honest truth. Which, by the way, came to me at the end of the Aspectology school.

I was truly excited at the prospect of finally showing up in all my “f***ed up glory” (as I like calling it these days) with no apologies. And yet, there was a very brief moment when I wondered, “What now?”

Am I a Master now? Am I integrated? If so, I don’t want to be. I still want to be one of the kids looking forward to yet another course. I want to feel that thrill in my body and the anticipation of something which will make my mind expand and my heart melt. I want to hang out with all my buddies online and tell nice stories of how this new course is seriously changing me inside out.

Bla, bla, bla. I know, I know I am fluffing. But it is the truth, my truth. And if I am to be a Shaumbra, then I want to be able to say it as it is.

When I first came across Crimson Circle, donkey’s years ago, I subscribed to the monthly magazine right away. I never clicked on it once.

Somehow, I have always been under the impression that this Shaumbra thing was a strange cult from some African place trying to be all spiritual. I would imagine these bearded men in white tunics and gray hair, all gathering up to talk about life. Of course, there would be ladies too, also dressed up in a spiritual fashion, and talking very gracefully about matters of the heart, healthy food and such. Hmmmm, not for me. Thank you, but no thank you.

I don’t want to wear white tunics and mostly I don’t want to be all wise and gracious,” I kept thinking.

This really amuses me now, but also shows me how even back then I refused to be one of the “grownups.” I’d rather be the wandering student of life, searching for yet another thrill, another boost to my doubtful soul.

Strange how life changes you.

I was born knowing that I was The Master. As a young child, I had the sense that I had travelled far, very far, and I knew more, much more than the moronic adults I had around. I trusted no one, for no one knew better than me. But I found so much joy in talking to them, especially when they did listen, their eyes wide open in disbelief. “Who is this child? How can she know so much?” I always thought they wanted to ask, especially when I’d tell them something about their own life, which they didn’t even know themselves.

I loved helping others feel more. Be more. But all this was also a bit frightening to many, so my parents took me to a priest. “Is she normal?” they asked him. He did not say much, perhaps in the hope that no one in the room would notice his secret lover.

The day to be normal eventually came, when I told my master self to leave so I could fit into whatever mess I was being raised. That’s when my student self must have made its first appearance. The rest is history.

Thirty years on, there is only myself and I, and that is a scary place to be, in anyone’s book. Especially when you realize it during a global pandemic.

It was a morning back in April last year, when I sensed someone next to me, during the first lockdown. A couple of alien-looking shadows in a strange shade of red, like they could have just left the set of Star Wars. They just hovered around. That afternoon I opened the Shaumbra Magazine for the first time, in the hope to find a way to make this stupid virus go away. Little did I know at the time what I was about to embark on.

I mean, these Crimson Circle people were all weird! Swearing, drinking wine, getting dressed up in crazy costumes – they were definitely a cult. But I kept on going back to the Shouds every day, until one day I felt just like I used to when I was The Master. I had come back home, but I did not remember any of my family. I, too, was one of those weird people and I had been for a very long time, but unlike me they all sounded so very sovereign. They kept on talking about Mastery and being Gods also. What did they mean? To me they just looked like a bunch of extravagant folks who perhaps were stuck in the 60’s.

It took me a while to make my first contact on Facebook, out of fear these Masters would tear my eternal student self into pieces with my hideous questions and many doubts. Luckily everybody was quite merciful, and slowly I started to remember.

I remembered where that Master came from, and why as a child I often felt so nostalgic and so misplaced. “Where the f*** am I?” I remember often wondering back then, and what amazes me is that I don’t actually see the little girl I used to be. I can only see a little boy, while often feeling the same sadness.

Being Shaumbra is not for everybody. Nor should it be, I believe. There is no room for that typically spiritual self-indulgence in martyrdom and obsession with making life pretty. There is only You and Yourself. No God will come and save you when you are having a crappy day and you won’t even attempt to blame it on your family or the rest of the world.

So, imagine my dismay when, just before Aspectology, I suddenly saw how I really did not want to let go of any of my aspects. “No way, I worked very hard to be this f***ed up!” was the only thing in my head before the course started. “I invested my entire self to create this fantastic story, and now I have to let it go? No way!”

I did cry for quite a bit actually, both because I could not believe my own stubbornness and also because I felt very sad. Letting go of the story is very simple, yet never easy.

I had imagined after taking SES and Aspectology that I would really want to empty my backpack of whatever I’ve been accumulating over so many lifetimes and finally show up as the Master I have always been. What amazes me is that I know this is totally on me, and somehow, I feel extremely free in that awareness. I could blame my resistance on anything and anyone, but it is mine. And, as I created it, I can un-create it! This keeps my heart open and allows me to choose life, regardless of how I am feeling moment to moment.

I am one & I am many, and nothing has ever felt more real.

As I write this, I realize that I always felt that life is just an incredible adventure. Even at the darkest of times, I could sense my excitement in being able to be here. Every tear would lead to a smile and a newfound wisdom. It is just that I could not really tell anyone out of fear they’d lock me up in an asylum.

I am yet to decide (I hope Adamus appreciates how I carefully chose not to say, “I don’t know!”) when I will allow my Realization. It may be a while before my Master self is fully back on the scene. It may be soon or never, but it does not matter. What matters to me is that I am here at such a fantastically scary time to be alive. While the world around me goes nuts, I am aware that none of its madness needs to be mine. Mostly, I can see now that I have created every little bit of my life, no matter what was happening around me.

The good and bad of it, all my creation. And boy, it has been so much fun!

Antonia lives in London UK and is an “Energy Intuitive” & founder of Evoking Grace, an online sacred space designed to inspire you to thrive & live a happier life. She has created a very unique approach which combines intuitive skills, timeless wisdom, and practical tools to help you identify hidden dynamics which stop you from living well and truly enjoy yourself. Her offerings and writings can be found on Evoking GraceFacebookInstagram.

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