Recently, I’ve had a lot of heartache. I mean physical pain in my chest, especially when I’m in a deep state of allowing. From what I’ve heard, it’s a common Shaumbra symptom lately. I wondered what it was about, as I was quite sure that I wasn’t about to have a heart attack even when it felt exactly like that. I understand now that it’s about me following my heart; my heart is aching to be heard. Something that was so natural to me as a child and even as a teenager. But increasingly, not just because of the gravity of mass consciousness, but also because of the heaviness of the awakening experience, I forgot. The heart was overshadowed by doubt.
Possibly I was too curious, too stubborn or simply too ignorant in the earlier stages of awakening to be bothered by doubt. Most of the time, I followed my heart without much ado. It didn’t make me happy and it didn’t make my life easy, but I knew I was on the right path. I didn’t question myself when my life was falling apart. I questioned life, but I didn’t constantly question myself.
It was only after I was deep into the unfolding of my awakening, after having encountered about a thousand different manifestations of my own darkness, that doubt really seeped into me. Whilst I might have grown more in touch with my inner knowingness over the years, doubt kept throwing shadows on my path and blocking that space between human and divine.
But why is it that I have held onto doubt so tenaciously? It’s not just that committing my life to embodied enlightenment is considered crazy by most people, or that we are before our time. That used to be my excuse, but now I’ve seen how others are committed to visions well before their time, and they are not getting distracted by doubt. I’m referring to Elon Musk here, in case you missed the last Shoud (March 3, 2018). What must it be like to follow your heart and experiment with visions that others don’t even dare to dream about? What must it be like to stay committed to your visions and completely disregard doubt when everyone around you thinks you’re crazy? It’s time to find out. I feel that point of separation approaching loud and fast. I can feel that where I’m going, where I choose to go, there is no space for doubt. An ultimatum given by the master-self: Do you choose mastery, or do you choose doubt?
I believe, by this time, we’re all expert losers. Can you deny it? We’re all experts at losing, releasing and letting go of anything that used to define our human experience. We’ve let go of identities, ancestors, health, relationships, mass consciousness and even our fear of death. How many times have we thought: Surely now there is nothing more to let go of? And, of course, there always is something more to release. Should have listened to wise Tobias who warned us about asking questions! Anyway, my point is that for me, doubt is my threshold, my crystal prison. Only this past month I realized that allowing is the antonym of doubt: When I allow all of me without control, doubt cannot exist. On the other hand, if I hold onto doubt, I’m not really allowing. If allowing can be compared to the gas pedal of our embodied enlightenment experience, then doubt is the brake. The thing is, we’re too far in to turn back anymore, and pressing the brake at this point is more dangerous than stepping on the gas.
The Socratic question to ask here, if we follow the Adamus school of thought, would be: How is doubt serving me, and why do I like it so much? The answer, for me, was painfully obvious. In the past, me following my heart and not doubting myself led to some very unpleasant experiences. Hence, the negative reinforcement of associating self-trust with pain, which led to an addiction of self-doubt. Human psychology 101. But then my master-self stated, quite nonchalantly, that perhaps avoiding pain was never the point. Interesting. You see, the human would think, “How can I re-condition my mind to associate self-trust with positive experiences?” But alas, the master has no tolerance for conditioning of any type. The master has no fear of being human and experiencing the occasional pain that comes with it.
So here’s the soul psychology: Perhaps following my heart led me to exactly those heart-breaking, life-threatening, depressing, embarrassing, and guilt-inducing experiences that served me perfectly, because my soul destiny was/is to realize my enlightenment in this lifetime. In a typical-to-human way I had assumed that following my heart would lead to a happy, easy life. And I’m sure that would have been the case if my soul-destiny were to lead a happy, easy life. But it’s not. My chosen destiny, chosen by soul, is to allow my human and divine to be present here on this Earth, together and aware of each other – even when that means going through some temporarily unpleasant experiences. The human really is very funny: It thinks, “Okay, I’ll trust myself fully, but only if I have a guarantee that my life will be happy, and I will be free, rich and healthy.” But even the human has to admit that self-trust is either unconditional or it isn’t real trust.
I finally realized that all those experiences considered as failures by the human, which had seduced me into doubting myself, served me perfectly. Me following my heart led me to exactly where I needed to be to get to here. Meaning that this magic compass called the heart is working! This realization brought me such relief, because now I can finally honestly say that I no longer need doubt. I can follow my heart, knowing that wherever it leads me is serving me. I can feel an entire angelic choir rolling their eyes and thinking, “Told you so.” Well, it’s one thing to understand something and quite another to know it with full conviction.
Speaking of conviction, this quote from Elon Musk came to mind: “If something is important enough, even if the odds are against you, you should still do it.” Perhaps our creations don’t appear very grand compared to Musk’s, perhaps nobody will celebrate us for going beyond the gravity of mass consciousness because we do it without fancy space shuttles, and perhaps we will remain as invisible as secret service agents under camouflage, only with worse paychecks! If so, only one question remains: Is embodied enlightenment important enough to risk everything – even failure? I can feel my own answer in my heart, loud and clear.
Where is my heart leading me right now? Straight into allowing. Allowing every single emotion, thought, aspect, and experience to flow through me into integration, without resistance. What are my visions beyond the veils of doubt? You go on colonizing Mars, Musk. I’m busy on New Earth.
Kim is a writer, a new energy psychologist in training and a member of the Royal Shaumbra Theater, currently living in Portugal. You can read her blog and contact her through her website: www.kimseppala.com. Her first book, Getting Real About Enlightenment, was largely inspired by Shaumbra, and can be ordered from Amazon (US or UK) or Alibris (for other countries).