“If something is still in your life, it is still serving you,” Adamus has often said.
And I have asked in return, “Ok, it’s serving me, but how?”
When Adamus first spoke about the 200,000 senses that we have beyond the sense of Focus and the mind, it was hard for me even to imagine it. It was quite overwhelming because I compared it to the way of feeling emotions I have known for lifetimes. “What could this other way of feeling even mean?” my mind wanted to know. “What is the difference between feeling and emotion?”
Earlier this year, in the midst of an issue that was literally crushing me inside, I had the splendid opportunity to discover one answer to this question. I was dealing with a strong amount of debt. The most obvious reason for it was that I was struggling to keep my family afloat. That’s what I thought and believed. And, as in any stressful situation, all sorts of thoughts and emotions were holding me hostage, and I was desperately trying to find ways to solve the situation.
My only reprieve was to allow myself into that space of nothingness I had discovered, a space in which I could remain undisturbed by my mind. By spending time there, I had experienced a type of feeling that was very deep and real, and that caused no reaction in my body or mind as emotions do. I was only aware that I was perceiving something. I am very well acquainted with my emotions, and with trying to solve one emotion with its counterpart (sad/happy), but this was something else that I was beginning to recognize. It became my very favorite space of AND.
So, back to the debt. Feeling like I was suffocating under the problem, suddenly a miracle occurred: some amazing and generous people offered me a way to work through the issue. All sorts of emotions ran through me, for this was not just a puff of air. It was a breath of life.
I was very happy, but soon enough the usual oppression came back to my heart. I was totally grateful, but the weight and burden were also still there. Why? The Dragon did not take long to show me a lengthy thread of guilt and shame I had carried right along with gratefulness. I had been taught to be grateful to god or other people, and I had kept this teaching at my core, holding it as a fundamental value.
Up until that moment I had been unaware that, when someone helped me somehow, I immediately developed an energy debt with that person. Instead of feeling free with the support, I installed yet another internal layer of lack of dignity and honor. I only honored the other person, but not myself. Therefore, I had closed myself to receiving, because accepting help was almost as uncomfortable as the problem itself.
And suddenly, I got it. Gratefulness as I knew it was definitely an emotion, an imitation of real feeling. It was loaded with beliefs, commitments, pain – more debt. It was coming from my mind. It had served me well, but I realized it was no longer serving me. This time, there was something different pushing to come into my awareness. It was the realization that, throughout my life, my human way of being grateful had made me create tons of all kinds of debt along the path. If I was grateful, I was indebted.
And now, my friends were treating me with such honor that the usual feeling of indebted gratefulness that was roasting my gut was totally out of place. I knew there was something else, so I surrendered to the space of nothingness, just allowing myself to perceive what else might be there.
In that space, I could think about the transaction that was taking place, but there were no emotions. I did not feel happy, but I did not feel heavy either. Slowly but surely, dignity emerged to my awareness, but it was not a dignity based on the mental type of pride of just keeping the head above the water; it was in full compassion for myself. I could contemplate the full story of the debt without letting the usual jolts of emotion wrack my body or the crazy, circular thoughts of my mind distract me.
I felt a different kind of appreciation for myself, and it changed my perspective. I will call this feeling ‘gratitude’ for the sake of this story. In gratitude, I was totally committed to fully honor the agreement, but I owed nothing. The indebtedness was gone. I felt free. In gratitude, my inspiration to serve grew stronger and my love for these friends became more transparent than ever.
“How has this pattern served you?” I could still hear Adamus asking. I could have easily let the matter go because the impending threat had been solved, but the question about the pattern remained unclarified. The Dragon was not letting me just settle upon solving the financial debt. It was here for me to open up my whole game, and it wouldn’t let me keep an ace in my sleeve. After several dives into nothingness, another clarity began taking shape.
I had always thought that having debt was an issue of abundance. But then I had to laugh because I had plenty of debt. The financial debt was so compelling in this reality that it was putting something on my face that I really needed to see: the owing gratefulness was the result of a life-long (and probably older) pattern of putting other people first and leaving myself second to everything. I would sacrifice my dignity or well-being for the sake of others without hesitation. In doing this, whenever I wanted something for me, I almost had to bite off a chunk of energy by force, and I felt bad about it later. Therefore, I had not really developed the debt to keep my family afloat. That was the tip of the iceberg. It was about my relationship with energy. I felt I did not deserve it. Money was good if I gave it to others, but bad if I took some for me. The point came to make a choice. The pattern was there, but did I still want to surf its waves?
On a raft of compassion, I navigated the many stories I could tell myself about this. After allowing all these memories, and washing the pain away with many tears, I found myself a little bit sore but no longer in pain. I was again in that space of new-found gratitude and honor for myself, ready to choose. What was the choice about? It was not about choosing abundance. Having all of my cards before my eyes, it was about choosing whether to continue playing this game with myself and with energy or to finally stop it, no if’s, but’s or and’s.
I made a heartfully honest choice within myself to step out of the game. “What does this mean?” my mind asked again. I guess that has been her job up until now, always asking questions. I have no idea how things will change, just as I had no idea this magnificent solution would come to me. It was a complete surprise. What I do know is that with my clear choice, I have this other type of feeling that bears no emotions, thoughts, or bodily responses. It just makes me smile.
Maybe they do not know it, but my friends not only provided me with support for the financial portion of the issue, they also helped me overcome a very old pattern of energy debt that was no longer serving me. I was ready to get rid of it all, and they served up the magic. I am in total gratitude to them.
This situation finally gave me the experience of discernment between emotions and feelings. In the nothingness, I opened up to and allowed clarity. I passed from the emotion of gratefulness, which felt like a heavy stone, to the feeling of gratitude, which feels expansive and nurturing. The Dragon is sitting just next to me for now, with almost a smile on its face. I say ‘for now’ because maybe other issues will surface. But after this conscious experience, even if I feel afraid, I also know I can trust.
Every time I say ‘Thank You’ now, it comes from a totally different place.
Virgilia “Vili” Aquirre has served as the Advanced Studies Manager for Crimson Circle since 2013. She is a also a channel for the Divine Feminine. For more information please visit www.yourdivinevoice.com