My eyes were drawn to her right away, the tall, slim dark-haired woman walking elegantly and effortlessly – almost gliding – in my direction. There was only a short moment of confusion as I tried to recall who she was, and then I remembered. It was Her, the one I expected to see every time I passed a mirror.
This beautiful woman was walking directly towards me, smiling, and her warmth radiating to such an extent that it enveloped me long before she reached me. Her movements were graceful and coordinated in a manner implying total harmony. Her smile covered not just her face but her whole body – that’s the most fitting way to express what she felt like. Completely forgetting about Adamus (this happened during a recent session of Keahak 7), I stared in wonder at the beauty of this being. It took a few moments to really know who she was – my Master self – and a few more moments to realise that this radiant being was ME!
She sat down on the meadow ground nearby, melding into me so although I could still see her smiling at me as before, she was also inside me. Her smile became golden tinkling sounds dancing in the air about us and her warm orange radiance spread inside me – something which has remained. Very, very gently she touched my cheek, stroking it tenderly. As she touched me, feelings such as I’ve not ever experienced before surged into me, swirling around. The nearest word to describe these in our human language is ‘Love,’ but this was love of a kind which is so much more ... it touched me with a thousand soft, unseen fingers, filled me with gently undulating colours, transformed me into orchards of twinkling, silver-green leaves, and allowed me to become the rolling, foam-brimmed waves of the ocean. We rose up into the sky on the breeze ... and stayed motionless on the meadow ground, completely melded. I experienced total unbounded, unconditional Love, for myself and to myself from Her. I felt that I was crying, and she touched my cheek again, so, so tenderly. Each touch was like a complete consummation.
My mind began to kick in, noting that the Master was both inside and outside me, but I kicked my mind out; this was too precious to be spoilt by thinking and I wanted just to feel. She began communicating with me, not with words, not even with pictures; it was simply a knowingness, a deep wisdom, and for that I have no words or description. Such a deep unbounded connection such as I haven’t ever experienced before. It was as if the whole of infinity was now inside me, even though I knew my human body brought physical boundaries to this. So completely at home and safe, I felt … this feeling of her/me, the warm radiance, the pure, unconditional love. And yet, although I write about ‘Her,’ this is ‘Me,’ a revelation which is just mind-blowing, to use a very human term. The ‘me’ that I and you know and my Master self have really found each other.
The magnitude of this for me, Kay, my human self, can most appropriately be shown with a story. Imagine a young teenager, sitting listening to Elgar’s Cello Concerto (marvellously passionate music) with her first boyfriend. He feels moved to put his arm around her. She has absolutely NO idea how to react and ‘freezes,’ completly unable to move or show any response at all. They sit like that for about 20 minutes, her mind a turmoil, until he withdraws his arm and shortly afterwards, walks home.
A few years later the teenager is now living in the casual surroundings of a University where people greet each other freely and physically, and finds herself in recurring situations where a response is expected. Again, the questions: “Which arm goes where when you hug? What happens if your noses bump?” Withdrawal became the solution.
And later, the painful memory of a friend’s wedding, knowing the moment when she’d be expected to give both bride and groom a peck on both cheeks was nigh – and the almost traumatic experience when a French friend whisked her off to Bordeaux, took her to choir practice and expected her to ‘walk the gauntlet’ of the whole choir lining up to kiss multiple times! In none of these situations – and the similar ones which continued into later life – was inner coldness the reason for the physical unresponsiveness. It was simply a lack of knowing what to do and fear of embarrassment in case the response was wrong. Touching other people in any way at all didn’t come naturally; there was a barrier between feelings and being able to express them.
The person in the story, of course, was me. And now, my belief of not being able to really connect to the warmth and love inside me has been demolished through this remarkable experience with my Master self. The missing part of me – the puzzle piece which I was, the person I expected to see in the mirror – has been found.
As I looked intently at her face and her body and knew that this is who I am, it struck me that the physical changes my human body has been going through are bringing me closer and closer to how my Master self actually looks. I’ve been experiencing the Master in me for some time now, noticing changes in character, behaviour and feelings, which I attributed to growing expansion. But this recent experience has surpassed everything.
During a walk this afternoon I asked myself what has changed for me through this experience?
The answer is: I feel complete. Even though, having said that, I know it sounds like a cliche´and much, much more expansion will come, it is still the way I feel, now. Through the integration with my Master self and my present awareness, other things don‘t matter any more. My focus has shifted away from the awkwardness of human physical encounters. It doesn‘t matter to me any more if I hug somebody in a clumsy manner or indeed if I bypass with a wave, when a kiss would be more appropriate. It just doesn‘t matter. And I’m no longer wondering if I could actually be a cold person masquerading inside a superficially warm outer shell since I really have felt my warmth and radiance. Above all, I know now who I am.
Kay is a music channeller, composer and Crimson Circle Teacher who thoroughly enjoys Life itself and seeing the beauty in simple things. Her work as a channeller of personal Soul Songs (paused for the moment) grew from the inner calling to move away from her background as a classical musician. Discovering the essence of an individual sound and then combining this with others to create sound spaces fascinates her and will increasingly feature in forthcoming compositions. Kay offers her services and music through her InnerSpheres website, and may be contacted here.