I remember, back when Adamus came in to lead Crimson Circle in 2009, he used to frequently ask us, “Have you really felt the I AM? I EXIST? Have you truly connected with it?”
He would ask members of the audience in the community hall in Coal Creek canyon (before the Crimson Circle Connection Center existed), and always receive mixed responses. For those Shaumbra who had really felt it and connected with I AM, you could sense it. You could see it in their eyes.
Adamus asked us this question many times, over many years, urging us all to feel it. Yet it was only recently that I truly understood why he did this and why is it so important to have that strong and firm connection.
Ten years prior to this, in my early 20’s, I had discovered that I could close my eyes, shut out this reality, and delve deep inside myself. Back then I would lie down, close my eyes and free dive deep inside, searching, trying to find something. I wasn’t even sure what I was seeking; I just knew that something was there. I would spend hours doing this. And one day, I found it. I found that Special Place, the part of me that was at peace. The part that was still, warm, gentle and caressing. I was home.
I had many difficult times in my 20’s and 30’s and going to this Special Place within was the only way that I could cope with my reality. Most mornings, I would have to sit in this place for as long as time allowed, just so that I could gather myself, get dressed and face my day.
Some days, I would spend hours lying in bed, floating and basking in this Special Place. I look back now, 20 years later, and know that these were precious times. The best of times.
This Special Place was my I AM.
I spent so much pure, precious and healing time here that I came to know it intimately. And it knew me, every thought and every fear. This was the True Me.
Over time, it became easier and quicker to access. I no longer needed to shut out the outside world or meditate for hours. It became integrated, always there, with me everywhere and in all ways. I no longer need to go to it. It is me.
Adamus recently started talking more about energy, saying that everything you perceive is your energy. At first, I found this a tricky one to see and accept. But I have been doing this work for many years now, so I knew that clarity would come at some point. There was no need to work at it, so I shrugged it off and got on with my life.
But the message stayed with me. It followed me everywhere, “Everything is your energy.” It permeated my life for weeks and months, shaking the foundations of every moment.
One afternoon, sitting at my kitchen table sipping a cup of tea, I had a thought/realization.
My young daughter was sitting opposite me.
Everything that she is perceiving is her energy.
She is perceiving me.
She has created me.
I AM NOT REAL.
It hit me deep, so deep that it stirred up a strong surge of panic. Gut-wrenching, intestine-twisting blackness.
I tried to avoid it. I just couldn’t let myself go there. Not after everything that I have been though. Not this far down this path.
But it was gnawing deeply. Blackness was swelling. I was completely frozen. I couldn’t escape it. I AM NOT REAL.
No words can truly describe just how awful it is have that feeling. I was at the edge of the abyss.
But then, in an instant, I had one of the most beautiful and sacred experiences of my existence.
In a flash, that place, the one that I know so well, swept in and soothed everything.
I AM. I EXIST.
It came in and eased every molecule of fear and doubt. It permeated every part of me. It supported and caressed me. It held me. It kissed me.
All doubt and all fear that I didn’t exist simply melted away.
I EXIST. I EXIST. I EXIST.
I broke down in tears. Tears of gratitude to that younger me, that messed-up me, that me in my 20’s who was in so much pain, so lonely, so lost. But yet who searched and searched until she found my True Self, the I AM.
Tears rolled down my face as I was overcome with gratitude to myself for spending all those hours, days and years sitting with my I AM, getting to know it so deeply, so intimately, so surely. Knowing it so purely that nothing could ever make me doubt it, for it is me.
So, dear new Shaumbra, when you watch those early Shouds with Adamus and he asks you, “Have you really felt the I AM, I EXIST?” I urge you to do so. Find it. Cherish it. Adore it.
It is you and you need it, for one day you may also question your very existence.
And only your connection to your I AM can answer that deepest and darkest of questions.
Jennifer Walsh-Rupakheti lives in Belfast in Northern Ireland, where she is mum to 2 young Masters and owner and general manager of Namaste Yoga Centre in Belfast. After going through her Rude Awakening in 1999 and then going it alone for 10 years, she was very happy to find the Crimson Circle in 2009. Jennifer has a background in Art and Design and has two pieces of her own silver work in the National Museum of Ireland in Dublin.
Her website is namasteyogacentre.co.uk